Sep
25
Tonight, DWTS premiered its opening and, man, it’s super cheesy. All the “stars” are attending movie premieres (Pamela Anderson) or reading the newspaper (Emmitt Smith) when they suddenly see the DWTS emblem in the sky signaling to them a la “Batman.” Then, wherever they are, they rip off their clothes to reveal – SEQUINS! RHINESTONES! GLITTER! Because, really, what are they doing anyway? Retired athletes, reality TV stars without television shows, Bristol Palin – not exactly working a 9 to 5.
Sep
24
I can’t believe it’s time for DWTS again. Didn’t the last season wrap up, like, yesterday? Seriously, it feels like it did. So we’re at season 15, 162 so-called “stars” have participated, and a shit-ton of spray tan has been spilled. I still don’t understand anything Bruno says. Let’s get some subtitles a la “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Pretty please?
There are a few changes this year: for starters, you can vote on Facebook and let the entire world know you’re a tool fan. Judges can award half points. And you can get 13 votes per voting method (online or by phone).
May
22
I’m surprised to say that the three finalists are people who I’d never even heard of before the season started…and I still tuned in. Because I’m a giver.
Last week when I voted for Katherine and Mark, it was Chris Harrison of the Bachelor/Bachelorette thanking me for my vote and reminding me to tune in to the new season of “The Bachelorette.” This week, it was Kelly Clarkson (check out my new show on Thursday, y’all!) who was promoting her show, Duets (check your local listings).
May
15
Is it over yet? We’ve made it to the Semi-Finals. Finally!!! A dream of mine was nearly realized Monday night – Derek almost bit it on his way down the stairs. Bummer for me! The final four performed two dances and, according to the hosts, it’s the most closely matched semi-finals in DWTS history.
America’s favorite accountant William Levy kicked things off with a tango. This week, he sported a black headband, a blue and white headband that reminds me of my mother’s dinner napkins and a skullcap beanie.
May
08
And then there were six. I mean four. It’s a double elimination week. Damn, I hate math.
This week saw the unveiling of the “Dance Trio” or, as I like to call it, “Threesome on the Dance Floor.” The tempers flared this week, particularly amongst the male pros – Maria Menounos’ partner stormed out during one of their training sessions, and later said, “Sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most.” Then Maks flipped out and had to leave before he punched something. Both left their partners in tears. The way Melissa Gilbert was covering for Maks made me think I was watching a Lifetime movie – “he only hurts me because he loves me.” “Leave already, Girl! He’s not good for you! It’s not going to get better!” Ugh. Speaking of Melissa Gilbert, I wonder if DWTS is contractually obligated to refer to her as “TV Icon Melissa Gilbert” every time they reference her? Tom Bergeron was going a little overboard with it tonight.
Apr
10
Apparently you can’t miss one episode without someone getting a concussion or breaking a foot. And I thought there wasn’t enough material to sustain a season of snark – ha! Forgive me, dear readers. I’m back.
Week 4 was Rock Week, brought to you by KISS - because nothing says “ballroom is sexy” like five sexagenarians in face paint. Nice going, ABC. I’m pretty sure you’ve alienated your core demographic with that one.
Gene Simmons opened the evening’s festivities with the statement, “We’re going to kiss somebody goodbye” before inviting viewers to “Lick it Up.” Get it? Kiss? Cuz they’re KISS? Oh, nevermind. Way to set the tone, Gene.
