Everyone wonders why the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has had ten bajillion seasons and only two marriages. I think the answer is pretty simple. You need to have a season at the Olive Garden. I’m serious. Take away the once-in-a-lifetime adventures, luxurious fantasy suites, hair and makeup teams, and outrageous clothing budgets and have the season take place in a mall. They can bond over neverending soup or salad and breadsticks. If it’s time for a guy to go, he’ll go to the soup bar and find the ladle is dry (literally and figuratively)– no soup for you!
Tag Archive: The Bachelor
And there was not one surprise element in the two-hour finale, or the “After the Final Rose” special.
I’m not sure if I’m so nauseated because I have a bad cold with mucus pooling in my stomach or if it’s the train wreck that was this season. Probably the latter.
Joining Ben’s hair stylist, who clearly quit midseason, the wardrobe department cut its losses and let Ben dress himself for his dates, which included an interesting suspenders/vest combo. (Courtney was quite the actress, pretending that Ben’s vest didn’t bother her.) Later on, he strutted around in a popped collar. Not even kidding.
The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (except for the stuff they’re contractually obligated not to discuss)
The show began as these reunion shows always do – with host Chris Harrison breathlessly proclaiming it to be the most memorable/controversial/dramatic reunion show EVER. The show was sponsored by the color Purple. Not the book, mind you. The look! Most everyone (even Courtney!) got the memo that purple and lilac hues were the color of the hour (or two).
Yes, it’s true. Ben’s head is very confused. He even admitted as much four times during tonight’s episode. That’s what happens when you think with the WRONG one. But, alas, Ben seems destined for heartbreak again. After last season’s disastrous proposal to Ashley, you’d think he’d have figured out that he should take his “decision” and do the exact opposite.
As Ben left for Switzerland, he said that he’d been all over the world on this magical journey, searching for love. Um, not really Ben. Sonoma, Utah and Puerto Rico do not a world traveler make.
And then there were four. In this week’s episode, Ben went on the hometown dates to meet the “lucky” gals’ families. First up was Lindzi who, natch, rode in on a horse. “Horses have been my life since before I was born,” she announced. Ok, not exactly sure how that works but I’ll play along. After reflecting on her breakup for the upteenth time, Lindzi made the first annoying metaphor of the night: “If you fall off the horse you get back on.” Or you get trampled. Quick and painless, and I don’t have to hear about it. Bonus.
I should’ve known from the opening shot of a butterfly spreading its wings in Belize that this episode of “The Bachelor” would be heavy on the cheesy metaphors. There were at least seven that I counted. Between Lyndzi’s “jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean is like love – you take a leap of faith” to Courtney’s “each step (up the Mayan Ruins) was like a step in our relationship” — it was a little much.
The episode started with Ben wearing two rather strange v-neck sleeveless tees on separate occasions. Someone must really love L.L. Bean! I think I saw one of them in my Mom’s closet — in the 80s.
Tonight’s episode began with 9 women in Panama and ended with 6. We got to hear what Jamie and Casey S’s voices sound like, as they’ve NEVER spoken a word so far this season. Also, we got an (awkward) walk down memory lane as two women embarrassed themselves by acting like seventh graders and making a magazine collage project about Ben (Blakeley) and straddling Ben while instructing him on how to make out i.e., whose mouth is open/closed first (Jamie).
Let’s get to the numbers:
1 – number of helicopter rides
Week 5 finds the Bachelor and his harem in Puerto Rico. There are two 1-on-1 dates up for grabs, and a group date, the latter of which consists of a baseball game. The clue for the mystery date read: “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Lyndzi, who is about as coordinated on the field as Bambi learning to walk, said (rather unconvincingly),”These diamonds are way better than the sparkly kind!” Yeah, right. I didn’t buy it either. The winning team won a beach date with Ben.
Thirteen women started the evening, but only 11 were there for the champagne toast at the end of the episode. It was kind of a boring episode in that nobody needed medical attention and/or had a major meltdown.
Tonight’s award for dimmest contestant goes to Rachel, who is credited with such gems during her one-on-one date as “I haven’t felt this way since my last relationship,” “I love fresh air” and “Fire is hot.” She spent the entire date virtually repeating everything Ben said. An excerpt, from when they entered a dark place.
We’re down to 13, folks. Shawntel, one of the finalists during Brad Womack’s season, crashed tonight’s cocktail party to win Ben’s heart. But she went home empty-handed, along with two other women. Ben didn’t give away the final rose. In his defense, it was a “dramatic rose ceremony” (though not necessarily “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever”), what with a ghost from the past in the shape of a funeral director crashing the party and the law student passing out. What did we learn tonight? That women are super-catty when threatened. (Way to reinforce the stereotype, girls!) That a “leap list” is apparently something the kids are talking about these days. (A “leap list” is a list of things one wants to do before reaching a milestone such as getting married or having children, as opposed to dying, which is a “bucket list.”) And that San Francisco may or may not have an open container law that may or may not have been broken during Ben and Kacie B’s one-on-one walk during the group date.