Tag Archive: The Bachelor

Mar 04

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (But Not Really)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

First off, according to US Weekly, Renee’s engaged. To another dude. Zero mention of that. Also, the “swimming in the ocean” was pretty glossed over. Can’t we just get this season over with already?

Sean, Catherine, and her new bangs bring purity and wholesomeness to the stage as the newlyweds talked about their fairytale wedding.  They went to Bora Bora and watched their wedding and entire courtship, because that’s not a narcissistic thing to do at all.  Sean said a Lowe (see what I did there?) point of the trip was when a stingray “latched on to my man parts.”  He says he was a little bruised but no worse for the wear.  Chris Harrison asked how “the wedding night” was – Catherine said it was very romantic, but the fireworks were “quick.”  Um, ok.  Have they fulfilled their contractual obligations to ABC yet?

Jan 06

The Bachelor, Episode 1: How do you say, what’s the word…RIDICULOUS?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17.  Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks.  It’s gonna be a helluva ride.  (or not, but more on that later.)  Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us.  There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables.  Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season.  Lots of crying.

Jul 09

Why the Next Season of “The Bachelor” Needs to be at the Olive Garden

Everyone wonders why the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has had ten bajillion seasons and only two marriages.  I think the answer is pretty simple.  You need to have a season at the Olive Garden.  I’m serious.  Take away the once-in-a-lifetime adventures, luxurious fantasy suites, hair and makeup teams, and outrageous clothing budgets and have the season take place in a mall.  They can bond over neverending soup or salad and breadsticks.  If it’s time for a guy to go, he’ll go to the soup bar and find the ladle is dry (literally and figuratively)– no soup for you!

Photo courtesy of ABC

Mar 12

The Bachelor is Finally Over

And there was not one surprise element in the two-hour finale, or the “After the Final Rose” special.

I’m not sure if I’m so nauseated because I have a bad cold with mucus pooling in my stomach or if it’s the train wreck that was this season.  Probably the latter.

Joining Ben’s hair stylist, who clearly quit midseason, the wardrobe department cut its losses and let Ben dress himself for his dates, which included an interesting suspenders/vest combo.  (Courtney was quite the actress, pretending that Ben’s vest didn’t bother her.)  Later on, he strutted around in a popped collar.  Not even kidding.

Mar 05

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (except for the stuff they’re contractually obligated not to discuss)

The show began as these reunion shows always do – with host Chris Harrison breathlessly proclaiming it to be the most memorable/controversial/dramatic reunion show EVER.  The show was sponsored by the color Purple.  Not the book, mind you.  The look!  Most everyone (even Courtney!) got the memo that purple and lilac hues were the color of the hour (or two).

Feb 27

The Bachelor By the Numbers: Ben’s Head is “Very Confused.”

Yes, it’s true.  Ben’s head is very confused.  He even admitted as much four times during tonight’s episode.  That’s what happens when you think with the WRONG one.  But, alas, Ben seems destined for heartbreak again.  After last season’s disastrous proposal to Ashley, you’d think he’d have figured out that he should take his “decision” and do the exact opposite.

As Ben left for Switzerland, he said that he’d been all over the world on this magical journey, searching for love.  Um, not really Ben.  Sonoma, Utah and Puerto Rico do not a world traveler make.

Feb 20

The Bachelor by the Numbers: What, Bachelor weddings are fake?!?!?

And then there were four.  In this week’s episode, Ben went on the hometown dates to meet the “lucky” gals’ families.  First up was Lindzi who, natch, rode in on a horse.  “Horses have been my life since before I was born,” she announced.  Ok, not exactly sure how that works but I’ll play along.  After reflecting on her breakup for the upteenth time, Lindzi made the first annoying metaphor of the night: “If you fall off the horse you get back on.”  Or you get trampled.  Quick and painless, and I don’t have to hear about it.  Bonus.

Feb 13

Bachelor by the Numbers: Swimming with sharks, and Courtney wasn’t even present!

I should’ve known from the opening shot of a butterfly spreading its wings in Belize that this episode of “The Bachelor” would be heavy on the cheesy metaphors.  There were at least seven that I counted.  Between Lyndzi’s “jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean is like love – you take a leap of faith” to Courtney’s “each step (up the Mayan Ruins) was like a step in our relationship” — it was a little much.

The episode started with Ben wearing two rather strange v-neck sleeveless tees on separate occasions.  Someone must really love L.L. Bean!  I think I saw one of them in my Mom’s closet — in the 80s.

Feb 06

Bachelor by the Numbers: Anyone have Frizz-Ease? Anybody?

Tonight’s episode began with 9 women in Panama and ended with 6.  We got to hear what Jamie and Casey S’s voices sound like, as they’ve NEVER spoken a word so far this season.  Also, we got an (awkward) walk down memory lane as two women embarrassed themselves by acting like seventh graders and making a magazine collage project about Ben (Blakeley) and straddling Ben while instructing him on how to make out i.e., whose mouth is open/closed first (Jamie).

Let’s get to the numbers:

1 – number of helicopter rides

Jan 30

Bachelor By the Numbers: There’s No Crying in Baseball!

Week 5 finds the Bachelor and his harem in Puerto Rico.  There are two 1-on-1 dates up for grabs, and a group date, the latter of which consists of a baseball game.  The clue for the mystery date read: “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”  Lyndzi, who is about as coordinated on the field as Bambi learning to walk, said (rather unconvincingly),”These diamonds are way better than the sparkly kind!”  Yeah, right.  I didn’t buy it either.  The winning team won a beach date with Ben.

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