Tag Archive: Juan Pablo

Mar 11

The Bachelor Finale: Juan Pablo Goes Down As the Smarmiest, Douchiest Bachelor in Bachelor History

What a Tierra-ble season, eh, Bachelor Nation?  Chris Harrison starts the three-hour, live death march by proclaiming it to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history,” and also warns us that Juan Pablo has a “big surprise.” I won’t make you wait because there was no surprise. Juan Pablo is a giant a-hole. But we knew that already.

Here are a few observations before we get to the recap:

Photo courtesy of ABC

Juanuary must have sucked for poor Clare. Listening to ABC hyping him up. Ugh.

Feb 10

The Bachelor, Week 6: It’s a S–t Show. Literally.

Photo courtesy of ABC

“At the end of the day…” OMG, if I have to hear another trite phrase or eruption metaphor, my head might explode. Enough already!

Ay yi yi…how many weeks are left?  The group is in New Zealand, where there’s a ton of sheep.  Every cutaway contains sheep or cows. Cassandra, who left her Caboodles kit in Vietnam, is sporting a  natural look, which is much better.  She’s missing her son, and she and Renee spend time missing their little boys.

Feb 04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly the Dog.  Photo courtesy of ABC

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

Jan 21

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s week three, so you know what that means.  It’s getting serious you guys!!!!  Before we get into it though, I need to address the crap-fiesta that hit the fan this weekend.  You know, when Juan Pablo made some rather disappointing remarks about why he thinks the “Bachelor” franchise should not have any gay or bisexual bachelors/bachelorettes.  You can read about it here if you missed it.

I think it’s a little disingenuous for Juan Pablo to say that his statements were taken out of context or misconstrued because English is his second language, especially since the word “pervert” translates to “pervertir” in his native tongue. 

Jan 13

The Bachelor, Ep. 2: Ay caramba! Can you say trainwreck?!?!?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time.  I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf.  She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.

Aug 05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

Jul 24

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Some Stuff, Avoid Others

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s).  (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)