Love means never having to say “I’m sorry…for neglecting you.” Did you catch the first sentence? “I did it again.” Like, this happens frequently, or at least enough to necessitate a trip to Hallmark for a love/apology hybrid card. Oh, yes. There’s a card for that. Run for the hills, I say! (File this little gem under: between you & me…& my therapist.)
Tag Archive: funny
Desiree rolls up to her Malibu beach house and Chris Harrison is there to welcome her and gifts her with, not one, but TWO sketch pads. (So, what, she’s an artist now?) Cute baby pictures set the stage for this season – love and family are all Desiree desires. Hers is a Cinderella story, you see. And she makes reference to Cinderella, and fairy tales, eight times in the first 15 minutes. There’s also some discussion of a happy ending. #doubleentendresarefun (We’ll get to the unnecessary hashtags in a moment.)
After the rose ceremony, the house was reeling over the ouster of Donna Reid (get it? Super-Fan Donna and Still-Obsessed-with-Jillian Reid? Bah-dum-dum!)
But the drama wasn’t over yet! Chris Harrison presented the group with questionnaires to complete for the next challenge, “Gameshow Mashup.” The challenge was neither a game show, nor a mash-up. The first round asked generic questions about love and romance, while round two asked players to identify “who said that” in the house. The guy and girl with the highest score won immunity, while the losers would get a vote against them. Michael, who has emerged as the sole voice of reason on this show, predicted that the competition would go south pretty fast, and lots of feelings would be hurt.
Everyone wonders why the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has had ten bajillion seasons and only two marriages. I think the answer is pretty simple. You need to have a season at the Olive Garden. I’m serious. Take away the once-in-a-lifetime adventures, luxurious fantasy suites, hair and makeup teams, and outrageous clothing budgets and have the season take place in a mall. They can bond over neverending soup or salad and breadsticks. If it’s time for a guy to go, he’ll go to the soup bar and find the ladle is dry (literally and figuratively)– no soup for you!
It was a freakin’ love-fest on this week’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” Emily loved all the families. The families loved Emily. Three of the four guys told Emily they loved her (Sean held out, but he sure does love kissing her!) She loved Chicago. She loved Jef’s ranch (yes, his family has a ranch). And on. And on. And on. For another two hours. Oy.
Honestly, between last week’s snoozefest and this week, I propose bringing back the Bachelorette Drinking Game. Next week, pour your beverage of choice, sit back, and take a drink as follows:
I like to watch the Miss USA pageant while eating cookie dough, mainly because I know the contestants haven’t had any in, like, ever. This year’s competition, held in Las Vegas, was hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and E! News’ Guiliana Rancic. The pageant is owned by Donald Trump, so you know it’ll be classy.
The judging panel was comprised of a veritable who’s who of D-list celebrities, including former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, Celebrity Apprentice winner Arsenio Hall, a Jonas brother and “business entrepreneur” Rob Kardashian (because “relative of the woman who’s famous for having a big butt and a sex tape” was apparently too long of an intro). What, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney weren’t available?
The Bachelorette: The Guys Get Grilled, Alessandro the Delusional Gypsy King, and a Farewell to “Shelly”
It’s week three of the Bachelorette, and I need to get a few things off my chest before we get started. Did anyone else think Travis and Charlie were the same person? Seriously, we know nothing about their personalities, and it’s week three. Also, why does Emily keep Michael around? Maybe they like to braid each other’s hair? I don’t get it. And what is a Luxury Brand Consultant? Someone who likes nice things? Me too. Done and done.
Apparently you can’t miss one episode without someone getting a concussion or breaking a foot. And I thought there wasn’t enough material to sustain a season of snark – ha! Forgive me, dear readers. I’m back.
Week 4 was Rock Week, brought to you by KISS – because nothing says “ballroom is sexy” like five sexagenarians in face paint. Nice going, ABC. I’m pretty sure you’ve alienated your core demographic with that one.
Gene Simmons opened the evening’s festivities with the statement, “We’re going to kiss somebody goodbye” before inviting viewers to “Lick it Up.” Get it? Kiss? Cuz they’re KISS? Oh, nevermind. Way to set the tone, Gene.
Wow, we’re at season 14 already? Who would’ve thought America would embrace a ballroom dance show with D-list celebrities? I say D-list, because I have no idea who at least four of these contestants are, and haven’t thought about three of them in the last 15 years.
The oddest audience seating pairing of the evening had to be Chaz Bono and Florence Henderson. They looked a little uncomfortable. Assigned seats, perhaps? Also, this is likely the only place (aside from Olive Garden) where Joey Fatone can get a prime table. When you’re here, you’re family!
For the second year in a row, I attended the Best Picture Marathon that’s held the day before the Oscars, where you watch all the Best Picture nominees in a movie theater with other “movie lovers.” (Or misfit toys, your pick). Last year it was ten movies, this year it was nine. Here’s my experience: