Tag Archive: bachelorette

Jul 27

The Bachelorette “Men Tell All”: Complete with bitchy resting face and a creepy live ultrasound!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s Men Tell All time, which means the finale is just around the corner! This time, though, we’re treated to a creepy, live ultrasound to determine the sex of Ashley and JP’s baby, which is totally old news, since US Weekly scooped this back in April.

We learn that three men lied during their lie detector tests (I’m looking at you Josh, Marcus and Dylan), yet have to wait another hour and half to find out about it.

Jul 21

Bachelor recap: Andi’s Love Quest Is Down to Two

The Bachelorette, where even the fungi is photoshopped.

 

Heart shaped fungi? Really?!?!?

You may have noticed I’ve not been doing recaps for a few weeks. That’s because I lost both my grandmothers in rather short succession. But, to quote a certain 1980s sitcom featuring a lovable character named Corky, “Oh-blah-dee, oh-blah-dah, life goes on.” If Andi can go on looking for love after the death of a guy she sent packing, then I can sure as hell sit on my couch, drink wine, and write about it.

Jun 09

Bachelorette Episodes 4 & 5: Lots o’ Death and Some Really Bad Puns, Y’all.

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Episode 4: Death is All Around

“A lot of the guys are starting to grow on me,” Andi says at the start of the episode. What an auspicious beginning! They’re staying at a casino, so you know it’s gonna be fancy! (Promotional consideration by the Mohegan Sun Casino.)

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date and he’s been looking forward to it, because he wants to share his family story (lost his siblings to drug overdoses) with Andi, to the strains of a sentimental theme song.

May 20

Buckle up, Bachelor Fans! (Or, Bachelorette Andi’s giving up her legal career for this?)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Hey, y’all! It’s Bachelorette time, y’all! Is this getting old, y’all? Y’all? Yes, we get it Andi. You’re from the South. You’re a southern belle. Enough already with the y’all, though, OK?

The season started with Chris Harrison addressing another first in Bachelor history – noting that a contestant died during filming (after he was off the show). So, the show’s decided to dedicate the season to him. Let me get this straight. She doesn’t pick the guy, he’s sent packing, he dies, and then the show dedicates someone else’s love story/journey/fairytale to him? Ok, just checking.

Jul 24

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Some Stuff, Avoid Others

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s).  (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)

Jul 08

The Bachelorette: Lots of Picnics, Cloud Nine, and Riding the Love Roller Coaster

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC.

Brooks in his Mr. Rogers cardigan. Photo courtesy of ABC.

The group wakes up on Madeira Island, Portugal, which according to them is, the “hidden pearl in the Atlantic.”  I desperately hope someone from the tourism bureau’s paying attention to the “Bachelorette,” because apparently the palm trees, island breezes, crystal blue waters and breathtaking rock formations don’t sell themselves.  Promotional consideration must be exchanged, I say!

This week, there will be three 1-on-1 dates, and one 2-on-1 date.  A rose will only be given out during the 2-on-1, and nobody goes home before the rose ceremony (unless they feel like it.)

Jul 01

The Bachelorette: Did You Know Caves in Spain Come Furnished with Leather Couches? Me Neither.

Des Bachelors from Hell
If watching 20+ seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me anything, it’s that if you act halfway normal, you have a decent shot at making it to the finals.   Don’t be a crybaby, resist the urge to be a tattle-tale, steer clear of the douchey-ness and mind your own beeswax and you should be OK.  That being said, in Barcelona this week, the caca hit the fan-o.

The episode started with Des, sketchpad in hand, declaring that Barcelona is “so inspiring” and “the perfect place to fall in love.”  (Kinda like Munich. And Thailand. And the Seychelles.  And Paris. And Canada. And New Jersey, the list goes on and on.)  Meanwhile, the hoodie brigade (seriously, between hoodies and v-neck short sleeve tees, that’s all they packed) enjoyed Cervezas at a tapas bar when Chris Harrison arrived with the date cards.  There will be a group date and two 1-on-1 dates.  At some point, the guys pinky swear that whomever gets the first 1-on-1 has to tell Des that James is campaigning HARD to be the next Bachelor.  Drew’s the lucky winner, and he starts the date with zero intentions of telling her.

Jun 13

The Bachelorette: Love Is a Battlefield, and Someone Wasn’t There for the Right Reasons (Gasp!)

Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

This week’s theme of “The Bachelorette” was “Winner Takes All,” and the guys showed the ridiculous lengths they’d go to to win an extra 3 minutes with Princess Des (or as the very funny Selena Coppock calls her, the “poor man’s Katie Holmes”), since, clearly, she’s the last woman on earth.

We didn’t waste any time getting to the first group date, mysteriously titled “Love is a Battlefield” on the date card.  (Hear that, Pat Benatar?)  The guys are greeted in a warehouse by the Commissioner of the National Dodgeball League (yes, it’s a real thing), where the pros WHIP the balls at all the guys.  It’s actually pretty funny to watch.  Desiree can barely contain her excitement, as she looks forward to the thrill of the competition and the guys fighting for her honor. Really? I don’t think the dodgeball guys gave two hoots about them, or Des, as there wasn’t even a glimmer of recognition of the show amongst them. (We’re here to PLAY, man!)

Jun 03

Desiree Asks the Guys If They’re There For the Right Reasons, While Soulja Boy Kisses His Career Goodbye

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree.  (His words, not mine.)  Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.)  It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.

Jul 22

The Bachelorette Finale: It’s an Insta-Family! Just Add Water!

Photo courtesy of ABC

We’ve reached, according to Chris Harrison, “the most dramatic television event of the summer… One of the most dramatic finales in Bachelorette history.”  Well, that shouldn’t be too hard, since there have only been eight seasons total.  We were promised some “shocking secrets” (ahem, one, and, it’s not so shocking).

But this season isn’t like all the rest, according to Chris Harrison.  We’re treated to a three-hour live event, because every engagement should be televised and commented about by strangers in a theater-in-the-round setting.  One question – where’s the bullfighter?

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