I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time. I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf. She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.
Tag Archive: ABC
Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17. Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks. It’s gonna be a helluva ride. (or not, but more on that later.) Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us. There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables. Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season. Lots of crying.
Unfortunately for ABC, DWTS is turning into Make-a-Wish for Seniors.
For weeks, the network’s been touting all these new changes to the show that were revealed on Monday night, so I hope you all were ready for them! Here they are, in no particular order:
- You get 12 votes per phone line, per e-mail address, and Facebook account. That’s 36 votes, y’all. Oooooh.
- The show will only air one night a week. Ahhhh.
- Couples keep their numbers the whole season. Say it with me now. Ohhhhhh.
“This journey has been amazing!” Desiree gushes at the beginning of the episode. So naturally it’s going to be a giant cluster-you-know-what. In case you weren’t clued in to this fact, Chris Harrison called the episode we were able to witness “shocking,” “incredible,” and “dramatic.” And you know Chris Harrison doesn’t use those words lightly.
It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s). (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)
It’s the best week of the Bachelorette – hometowns! You know, when the contestants’ embarrassing family members let their freak flags fly in front of all of America! Who can forget when Chantal took Brad (the second time he was the Bachelor) to the mortuary and made him play house on the embalming table? Or when someone’s grandma wanted to know whether the Bachelor’s any good in the sack? ABC wasted no time getting into it.
The episode started with Des, sketchpad in hand, declaring that Barcelona is “so inspiring” and “the perfect place to fall in love.” (Kinda like Munich. And Thailand. And the Seychelles. And Paris. And Canada. And New Jersey, the list goes on and on.) Meanwhile, the hoodie brigade (seriously, between hoodies and v-neck short sleeve tees, that’s all they packed) enjoyed Cervezas at a tapas bar when Chris Harrison arrived with the date cards. There will be a group date and two 1-on-1 dates. At some point, the guys pinky swear that whomever gets the first 1-on-1 has to tell Des that James is campaigning HARD to be the next Bachelor. Drew’s the lucky winner, and he starts the date with zero intentions of telling her.
We didn’t waste any time getting to the first group date, mysteriously titled “Love is a Battlefield” on the date card. (Hear that, Pat Benatar?) The guys are greeted in a warehouse by the Commissioner of the National Dodgeball League (yes, it’s a real thing), where the pros WHIP the balls at all the guys. It’s actually pretty funny to watch. Desiree can barely contain her excitement, as she looks forward to the thrill of the competition and the guys fighting for her honor. Really? I don’t think the dodgeball guys gave two hoots about them, or Des, as there wasn’t even a glimmer of recognition of the show amongst them. (We’re here to PLAY, man!)
Desiree Asks the Guys If They’re There For the Right Reasons, While Soulja Boy Kisses His Career Goodbye
I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree. (His words, not mine.) Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.) It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.
Not sure what’s in the water but everyone loves them some Sean! All of the women are saying they are either falling or are already in love with the Bachelor. At the beginning of the episode, Sean sees himself building a life with each of the women. He calls Catherine “weird, nerdy and goofy” but says that’s what he’s into. (The ultimate compliment!) “I need more silly in my life,” said the guy who went on reality TV to meet his future wife.