Tag Archive: ABC

Jun
13

The Bachelorette: Love Is a Battlefield, and Someone Wasn’t There for the Right Reasons (Gasp!)

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Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

This week’s theme of “The Bachelorette” was “Winner Takes All,” and the guys showed the ridiculous lengths they’d go to to win an extra 3 minutes with Princess Des (or as the very funny Selena Coppock calls her, the “poor man’s Katie Holmes”), since, clearly, she’s the last woman on earth.

We didn’t waste any time getting to the first group date, mysteriously titled “Love is a Battlefield” on the date card.  (Hear that, Pat Benatar?)  The guys are greeted in a warehouse by the Commissioner of the National Dodgeball League (yes, it’s a real thing), where the pros WHIP the balls at all the guys.  It’s actually pretty funny to watch.  Desiree can barely contain her excitement, as she looks forward to the thrill of the competition and the guys fighting for her honor. Really? I don’t think the dodgeball guys gave two hoots about them, or Des, as there wasn’t even a glimmer of recognition of the show amongst them. (We’re here to PLAY, man!)

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Jun
03

Desiree Asks the Guys If They’re There For the Right Reasons, While Soulja Boy Kisses His Career Goodbye

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree.  (His words, not mine.)  Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.)  It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.

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Feb
25

Bachelor Week 8: It’s the Overnight Dates in Thailand Where…Nothing Happens.

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Not sure what’s in the water but everyone loves them some Sean! All of the women are saying they are either falling or are already in love with the Bachelor.  At the beginning of the episode, Sean sees himself building a life with each of the women. He calls Catherine “weird, nerdy and goofy” but says that’s what he’s into.  (The ultimate compliment!) “I need more silly in my life,” said the guy who went on reality TV to meet his future wife.

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Feb
18

Bachelor Week 7: Family Dinners Are Gonna Be Awkward at Des’ House

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Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s hometown week, where the Bachelor spends a day getting to know the hometowns and families of his four ladyloves.

First up is AshLee in Houston, Texas, whose date was sponsored by L.L. Bean. Seriously, she and Sean sported plaid shirts straight out of the catalog, pages 14 and 39, respectively.  They bonded over the fact that both of their dads were pastors.  AshLee said, “I don’t want something so perfect to be spoiled.” Oh, AshLee. Don’t you know such proclamations are the Kiss of Death on this show?  The pair meet up with her adoptive parents at a picnic table and are asked about their adventures. AshLee brought her adoption up (again) when discussing the Polar Bear Plunge. How, you ask? She left her insecurities in the water. Except for the times she trots them out periodically throughout the show.  I will admit, it was sweet when her dad choked up talking about her adoption.

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Feb
04

Bachelor Week 5: Things Are Getting Rocky in the Rockies

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Photo courtesy of ABC

 

Photo courtesy of ABC

Pack your bags, the group is going on a world-wide journey to find love and it starts in…Montana?!?  Really?  Yep.  The date cards come and there are three dates: one group date, a 1-on-1 and a 2-on 1, all featuring Sean the self-proclaimed “outdoorsy guy.”  Be sure to check yourself for ticks.

Tierra says she should get the 1-on-1 because “she deserves it.”  What she “deserves” is a good ass-kicking.  So irritating.  Tough luck, Tierra, cuz substitute teacher Lindsay got it instead.  Sean packed an extra flannel and Henley and they rode in a “badass” helicopter to tour Glacier National Park.

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Jan
28

Bachelor Week 4: “Pretty Woman” Part Deux and the Girls Are Getting Tierra-ble.

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Week 4, and there are already declarations of “I want to spend the rest of my life with him” among the women.  Yep, sounds about right.  Chris Harrison doesn’t help matters when he announces that Sean is confident his wife is among the 13 ladies that remain in the house.

A shirtless Sean (in his skivvies, no less!) begins the show talking about how this week, he’s focused on making sure the women trust him.  He says this with a straight face.

Selma gets the first date, and says she can’t wait to “take it to the next level.”

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Jan
22

Bachelor Week 3: Rookie Mistakes and the Rosacea Twins Set a World Record

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Rookie

Important things are happening on the Bachelor, y’all!  Like, world records are being SHATTERED.  This is serious stuff, people.

The episode begins with a shirtless Sean working out shirtless in his private shirtless gym.  ABC clearly knows which side its bread is buttered on!  Sean’s “digging a lot of women” and can’t wait for the two one-on-one dates and the group date.  Not everyone’s getting a date this week, so you know there will be drama among the ladies.

Spunky Robyn dreams about receiving the date card, telling producers, “I want the date card to say ‘Robyn, Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.’” Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

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Jan
14

Bachelor Week 2: Sean’s Got Jungle Fever and the House Turns Into a “Tornado of Negativity”

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I thought I’d start this week by explaining the “Bachelor Drinking Game.”  Every time Sean and/or the bachelorettes say certain words, take a drink of the beverage of your choice.  Tonight, it’s water.  (Yeah, I’m a wild woman.  Tell me something I don’t already know.)

So, for example, tonight I…really had to pee.

 

By the numbers:

journey = 1 drink

“love of my life” = 1 swig

talking about how “real” it is = 4 (glug, glug, glug, glug)

Sean is the “perfect guy” = 1 (hiccup)

fairy tale = 2 shots

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Jan
07

The Bachelor’s Back! Let the Drinking Begin!

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Everyone’s favorite 29-year-old Texan is back in L.A. to meet a new crop of single ladies in the hopes of finding his bride.  Nice to see Sean’s oompa loompa tan has faded a smidge since Emily’s season.  But he’s back, and he brought plenty of plaid shirts and v-neck tees with him.

Sean, whose shirtless body was featured no less than three times in the opening sequence, exclaimed,  “I want to love my woman . . . I want to be that rock,” as his shirtless self climbed a rock.  So literal!  Oh Bachelor, how I love thee.

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Sep
24

Dancing with the Stars: All Stars — They’re Baaaack!

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I can’t believe it’s time for DWTS again.  Didn’t the last season wrap up, like, yesterday?  Seriously, it feels like it did.  So we’re at season 15, 162 so-called “stars” have participated, and a shit-ton of spray tan has been spilled.  I still don’t understand anything Bruno says.  Let’s get some subtitles a la “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”  Pretty please?

There are a few changes this year: for starters, you can vote on Facebook and let the entire world know you’re a tool fan.  Judges can award half points.  And you can get 13 votes per voting method (online or by phone).

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