Feb
04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

Jan
21

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s week three, so you know what that means.  It’s getting serious you guys!!!!  Before we get into it though, I need to address the crap-fiesta that hit the fan this weekend.  You know, when Juan Pablo made some rather disappointing remarks about why he thinks the “Bachelor” franchise should not have any gay or bisexual bachelors/bachelorettes.  You can read about it here if you missed it.

I think it’s a little disingenuous for Juan Pablo to say that his statements were taken out of context or misconstrued because English is his second language, especially since the word “pervert” translates to “pervertir” in his native tongue. 

Jan
13

The Bachelor, Ep. 2: Ay caramba! Can you say trainwreck?!?!?

Photo courtesy of ABC

I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time.  I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf.  She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.

Jan
06

The Bachelor, Episode 1: How do you say, what’s the word…RIDICULOUS?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17.  Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks.  It’s gonna be a helluva ride.  (or not, but more on that later.)  Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us.  There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables.  Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season.  Lots of crying.

Dec
08

Someone at Dramamine Kids is Asleep at the Wheel

Last week, a colleague of mine was complaining that she couldn’t take her 2 1/2-year-old son on car trips to visit family because he’d get extremely carsick.  I could empathize, having been a motion-challenged child myself.  ”Have you tried Dramamine?” I asked.  ”No,” she replied.  ”I don’t want to give my son any medication.”  ”Oh.  So she’s one of THOSE moms,” I thought.  Good luck with that.  ”I’m pretty sure they make a version for kids,” I said.  Wanting to prove I’m right, I pulled up the site on my computer and, sure enough, there’s a version for kids named, interestingly enough, “Dramamine for Kids.”

Oct
21

Unintentionally Humorous Cards: The Neglected Love Edition

Love means never having to say “I’m sorry…for neglecting you.”  Did you catch the first sentence? “I did it again.” Like, this happens frequently, or at least enough to necessitate a trip to Hallmark for a love/apology hybrid card.  Oh, yes. There’s a card for that.  Run for the hills, I say!  (File this little gem under: between you & me…& my therapist.)

Oct
15

Potential OPI Nail Polish Colors Should the Government Shutdown Continue

We’re into Week 3 of Government Shutdown 2013, and things are getting rough, y’all.  Like, so rough, I’m submitting a list of potential OPI nail colors should this thing continue.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user _Fidelio_ under a Creative Commons license.

Here they are, in no particular order:

All Dressed Up and No Place to Furlough

This is Red-iculous!

Fiscal Cliff Fuchsia

My PAC or Yours?

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue State

Blame Game Blues

Tea Party Teal

Green Eggs and Farm Subsidies

Blink First Blanca

Sep
16

Season 17 of “Dancing with the Stars” Premiered Tonight – Did You Watch?

Courtesy of ABC

Unfortunately for ABC, DWTS is turning into Make-a-Wish for Seniors.

For weeks, the network’s been touting all these new changes to the show that were revealed on Monday night, so I hope you all were ready for them!  Here they are, in no particular order:

  • You get 12 votes per phone line, per e-mail address, and Facebook account. That’s 36 votes, y’all.  Oooooh.
  • The show will only air one night a week.  Ahhhh.
  • Couples keep their numbers the whole season.  Say it with me now.  Ohhhhhh.

Aug
05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

Jul
30

The Bachelorette Finale Part 1: Really? Is Part 2 Necessary?

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC

“This journey has been amazing!”  Desiree gushes at the beginning of the episode.  So naturally it’s going to be a giant cluster-you-know-what.  In case you weren’t clued in to this fact, Chris Harrison called the episode we were able to witness “shocking,” “incredible,” and “dramatic.”  And you know Chris Harrison doesn’t use those words lightly.

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