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Jul 27

The Bachelorette “Men Tell All”: Complete with bitchy resting face and a creepy live ultrasound!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s Men Tell All time, which means the finale is just around the corner! This time, though, we’re treated to a creepy, live ultrasound to determine the sex of Ashley and JP’s baby, which is totally old news, since US Weekly scooped this back in April.

We learn that three men lied during their lie detector tests (I’m looking at you Josh, Marcus and Dylan), yet have to wait another hour and half to find out about it.

The studio audience was WAY too excited about seeing Ashley and JP. Like, Oprah’s giving away cars and Vitamix blenders, excited. We learn that they’re moving to Miami because Ashley think the Polar Vortex was ridiculous (I agree), and that the baby’s due October 7th. It’s 100 percent clear Ashley wears the pants in this relationship. “Happy wife, happy life!” Oy. After another commercial break featuring a hopelessly outdated Suave commercial (referencing how important it is to have great hair at the rose ceremonies), we experience the live ultrasound. And it was just as creepy as it sounds. They brought out an ultrasound tech who made jokes like this is his big break, set Ashley up on the couch, played piano music as accompaniment (to increase the unnecessary tension?) before the information that we already knew was revealed – it’s a boy. Will the bris be televised? Inquiring minds want to know!

After another commercial break, Chris Harrison introduced the guys, all wearing scarves in various configurations. It was nice to see hair stylist Brett’s mullet was (finally) under control.  Marquel wore a cookie lapel pin to remind us that he’s “The Cookie Monster.” We watched a replay from the season of the guys trying to “win Andi’s heart.”

JJ Pants was a real shit stirrer – even sweet, laid-back Farmer Chris was like, “Dude, wtf?”  Then Chris Harrison brought up the race issue (when Andrew allegedly made some racially charged comments in the house that JJ Pants overheard and told Marquel about weeks later.) Andrew tried to defend himself but mistakenly referred to Ron, the only other black man in the house, when he really meant Marquel. YIKES.

ABC revealed, for the first time, that it has the video, but there’s no audio and it’s far away. Bottom line: there’s no resolution, nor is it likely there ever will be.  Marquel was a class act, and handled it well.

After another break, Chris Harrison tried to bring Marquel to the hot seat, but JJ Pants had to interrupt and bring the conversation back to himself, and continue the shit-stirring. Farmer Chris called him out on his motives (for the cameras, anyone?)

Finally Marquel made it to the hot seat, and we got to see Andrew’s jerk-face making faces. (Hard to tell for sure if he was making faces or if he just has bitchy resting face.) Chris Harrison announced that Marquel will be back on the “Bachelor in Paradise.” Marquel greeted his fans by tossing individually wrapped black and white cookies to the studio audience.

Next, it was Marcus’ turn in the hot seat, where we got to witness his rejection all over again. But he wasn’t too heartbroken, since he’s apparently engaged to a chick he met on “Bachelor in Paradise.” I’m sure his new fiancée is super jazzed to see his eyes well up with tears and hear him express how he still has feelings for Andi, and how he believes the right girl is out there for him and he’s looking for that.

Farmer Chris joined Chris Harrison in the hot seat, and a woman in the audience interrupted the convo and joined the Chrises on the couch in her short shorts, asking if she thought he’d find his wife in Iowa. Clearly, homegirl hadn’t thought things through too well, and production knew this was going to happen because there’s no way they’d invite a stranger who wasn’t vetted to sit on the couch with their Chrises and risk a “Single White Female” situation. Chris Harrison offered her a speed date with the other Chris during the commercial break. It was pretty lame – Farmer Chris asked her if she came to the show alone, and she gave him her number on a Post-It.

Andi made an appearance in a sparkly black low-cut mini-dress and the guys were drooling. All was forgiven. Farmer Chris asked what happened, and Andi said they didn’t have the foundation in their relationship for her to consider moving to Iowa. Cody said she didn’t get the chance to see the “Real Cody.” Marquel asked her why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Nick S., the pro golfer, asked why her guard was up. (Um, hello. She was dating 20 guys and juggling their egos and feelings.)

Chris B. who tried to crash the show on the first night but was turned away, was introduced from afar to Andi as Chris Harrison gave yet another plug for “Bachelor in Paradise,” of which Chris will play a part. Ew.

Here’s what else happened:

  • Andi confirmed she’s not pregnant. Well, duh.
  • Chris Harrison brought out the lie detector test results that Andi had “torn up” from her group date with Brian, Marcus, JJ Pants, Farmer Chris, Dylan and Josh.
  • Three men were completely truthful (Brian, JJ Pants, and Farmer Chris).
  • Marcus, Dylan and Josh lied.
  • Marcus said he slept with fewer than 20 women and that was a lie.
  • Dylan said he prefers brunettes and was ready for marriage, which were lies.
  • Chris Harrison said there were two lies on Josh’s lie detector test results, but Andi said she wouldn’t read them.

Then it was blooper time: Andi taking a break from a behind-the-scenes interview to apply nasal spray and sniff hard, Brian confessing a fear of pickles and getting chased around the house by Dylan holding a giant pickle. (Insert your best pickle jokes here, y’all.)

Finally, Chris Harrison reflected on the two remaining guys: “hunky Josh” and Nick’s creepy premonitions about how he’s going to marry her. Both wrote crappy poetry about her. Who will it be? And were you surprised to see Clare freak out on multiple people during “Bachelor in Paradise?” (I wasn’t.)

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