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Jul 21

Bachelor recap: Andi’s Love Quest Is Down to Two

 

Heart shaped fungi? Really?!?!?

You may have noticed I’ve not been doing recaps for a few weeks. That’s because I lost both my grandmothers in rather short succession. But, to quote a certain 1980s sitcom featuring a lovable character named Corky, “Oh-blah-dee, oh-blah-dah, life goes on.” If Andi can go on looking for love after the death of a guy she sent packing, then I can sure as hell sit on my couch, drink wine, and write about it.

Andi’s in the Dominican Republic for overnight dates with Josh, Chris and Nick, where even the fungi is photoshopped. “It’s so vibrant here and romantic,” she says.  Like any good Bachelorette, Andi dutifully sets out to journal her three different paths with the fellas in a notebook she will hopefully burn at the end of this.

Andi showcases her hairstyling abilities in this ep: the fishtail braid, the ballerina bun, beachy waves, casual ponytail, hippy chick horseback riding, half updo… (Thanks, Suave!)

There’s easygoing, Eye Candy Josh, but Andi says, for the 800th time, that she’s scared that he’s too much like her “type” and see how well that’s worked for her. Andi says she came to the show to be “different.”

And then there’s Farmer Chris, who famously says she could have a career as a homemaker in Iowa. Chris was her secret admirer (I called it, it was the dirty fingernails!)  He pulled out all the stops by getting a crop duster to fly a  “Chris loves Andi” banner through the cornfields. #roseworthy

Finally, there’s Nick the Prick, who’s written crappy Mad Libs poetry for her. Very formulaic. “When I see you I see [fill-in-the-blank].” To wit:

“When I see you I see beauty.

When I see you I see strength.

When I see you I see purpose.

When I see you I see a future.”

Blerg.

Nick got the first one-on-one date, and Andi wants to know why his version of his breakups was completely different from his family’s version. They take a helicopter ride and have a picnic on a private island. Ho-hum. Nick loves her but is afraid to tell her how he feels so he’s completely awkward about it. Apparently, the airline lost Nick’s luggage because he was stuck with a gift shop atrocity: salmon pants paired with a gray Henley (with turquoise sleeves and highlighter yellow piping). He wrote a book (complete with crayon illustrations!) where Princess Andi is hanging out with Bobby from “King of the Hill.” (Um, what 30-something single male sans kids brings crayons with him on a romantic getaway???)

Andi’s ovaries quivered with happiness as she imagined him reading bedtime stories to their houseful of kids. She presents him with the Fantasy Suite card (which looks more like the “tastefully decorated guest house” rather than a Fantasy Suite, but whatevs) and he takes her behind a tree to finally tell her he loves her. You can barely see them in shadow, but Nick’s collar glows in the dark, like a little lightning bug that WON’T. STOP. TALKING.

The next date is with Josh in Santo Domingo, and he’s dressed like a picnic table, so it’s a shame they didn’t go on a picnic for this one. “When I’m with Josh, I feel young and vibrant,” Andi said. They drank sugar cane juice and purchased “Mamajuana” which is street Viagra, so of course Josh buys some. Throughout the date, his shirt becomes more and more unbuttoned. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) They played baseball with kids in a park. Seeing him be nice to the kids made Andi’s eggs jump for joy. (Wonder if that made it into Nick’s crayon drawings?) Josh tells Andi he loves her and he’s never said that to someone before and really meant it. Um, hmmm. But he totally means it now, right?

They talked about what kind of parents they’ll be to their ridiculously good-looking kids. (She won’t be a disciplinarian, he’ll be fun.) “I can definitely see you as my wife, for sure,” Josh says, and Andi can’t get enough. Fer sure. She presents him with the fantasy suite card, and he’s like “Definitely, let’s check it out. Connect more and stuff.” And stuff. On their way to the suite, which was WAY nicer than Nick’s guest house (with a private pool!) they watched fireworks.

Andi says she feels “young and vibrant” with Josh, like she’s running through a field of poppies in a Stayfree commercial. (Not that last part, but seriously – young and vibrant? Are you selling sanitary napkins or what?)

Last, but not least, it’s Farmer Chris’ turn. Chris and Control Freak Andi ride horses and her horse smells her perfume, Eau de FEAR. Chris kept telling her how hot she looked riding a horse and it was getting a little old. Even the horses were over it. They had a picnic (natch) and Andi told Chris she loved … his family. They played hide and seek (again), because you can never get enough of that game!

They have dinner at yet another resort restaurant, where they explore the unlimited opportunities available to smart attorneys in Iowa. (Chris’ words, not mine.) “Alls I can say is…” Stop. Right. There. To start a sentence with “alls” is a problem.

“Alls I want to do is fall in love with you,” Chris says, and Andi bursts into tears. Just what a guy wants to see after he’s professed his undying love to someone. All three guys say they’re in love with her, and Andi finds herself in quite the pickle.

Andi keeps saying she doesn’t want to blame it on Iowa. (But she totally does.) Andi says she feels like an idiot for rejecting Chris, and Chris is such a sweetheart that he comforts her as she breaks up with him. “My head and my heart don’t match up,” she tells him. Ouch. It’s good that she didn’t make him sweat it out til the next rose ceremony, but I don’t think he even got dinner. What about dessert?

It was a sweet goodbye, with them wishing the best for each other. My heart breaks for Chris though, since he was blindsided. Bet he’s second-guessing playing a reprise of “Ghost in the Graveyard.” Chris for Bachelor, 2015?

In the SUV to the airport, it finally sinks in for Chris. “What just happened? What the hell do I do?” You go back to Iowa, Chris! And you never suggest playing “Ghosts in the Graveyard” to anyone over 7. That’s what you do, Chris!

It’s a new day, and Andi is having a chit-chat with Chris Harrison about “great love” and what that means. Andi says she and Chris didn’t have a foundation to build on, regardless of whether it was in Iowa or not. (Iowa was totally the dealbreaker, though.) Andi tells Chris Harrison that Nick and Josh are husband and father material, but has some concerns. Nick is intense and passionate, and carries crayons at all times, but can he be goofy? And Josh is the opposite. What’s his Crayon Stance? We don’t even know that?!?!

Andi says meeting her family is very serious for her. I mean, she’s only brought three guys to meet them in the last six months. Nevertheless, she’s excited to have the guys meet her family, and each guy is ridiculously confident they’re going to be engaged to Andi.

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