Jun 09

Bachelorette Episodes 4 & 5: Lots o’ Death and Some Really Bad Puns, Y’all.

Photo courtesy of ABC

Episode 4: Death is All Around

“A lot of the guys are starting to grow on me,” Andi says at the start of the episode. What an auspicious beginning! They’re staying at a casino, so you know it’s gonna be fancy! (Promotional consideration by the Mohegan Sun Casino.)

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date and he’s been looking forward to it, because he wants to share his family story (lost his siblings to drug overdoses) with Andi, to the strains of a sentimental theme song.

They take a steam train. “The steam train is old-fashioned,” Dylan, a/k/a master of the obvious, says. It sounds like the start of a second grade book report, but whatevs.

“Our relationship…might pick up a little steam,” Andi says. Groan. They sit in (awkward) silence, looking at the landscape. Andi says she’s never had any elaborate dates. They talk about past relationships and Dylan mentions that his longest relationship ended the day after his brother’s funeral, but then clams up. Andi’s hoping they make more progress at dinner. Crickets.

They enter a private dining train reminiscent of “The Polar Express.” I was waiting for Tom Hanks’ cartoon likeness to start singing about hot chocolate. (At least it would’ve livened up this dud of a date.)

Dylan says “the Real Dylan” is fun. Andi’s like, let’s see that guy. He tells her that his sister had overdosed on drugs while he was in college, and last year his brother overdosed. So… not anytime soon. “I am who I am because of what’s happened in my life,” Dylan says, quoting Popeye.  He asks her not to keep him around just because she feels bad for him, thereby ensuring he’ll get the pity rose.

Andi feels guilty that they’re in his hometown and he’s having a tough time being back with these memories. Clearly, the fact that the one-on-one was in Dylan’s hometown is not a coincidence. It felt pretty contrived and invasive, overall. Andi, for her part, seemed like she wasn’t in on it. She offered him the rose, and Dylan happily accepted, noting that it was the one of the happiest days of his life. Aw.

Then it was time for the group date. Pants, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick and Josh faced off against Andi and a group of WNBA players. Needless to say, the women kicked the guys’ collective asses, so they split into teams to have the guys play against themselves.

Brian, the basketball coach, was captain of Team Rosebuds, comprised of Nick, Cody, Andrew, Eric and Marquel.  “Coach” gives his best locker room “Rudy” inspirational  speech. Josh, Pants, Chris, Patrick and Tasos were the other team, a/k/a “Five of Hearts.”

Andi was turned on by all the “mean mugging” going on. The game was a snoozefest. It was essentially Brian vs. the other team. Brian for the layup, Brian for the three point shot. Brian, Brian, Brian. Not surprisingly, the red team won a date with Andi, and Josh took it really hard.

At the afterparty with the winners, Brian (a/k/a “Smitten Kitten”) takes Andi to shoot hoops back on the court. He taught her how to do a lay-up in a leather miniskirt, and then made a mid-court shot. He didn’t try to kiss her which was pretty hilarious/adorkable to see how girl dumb he is.

Andi says she feels most comfortable with Nick, which is ironic because he’s kinda smarmy. She gives the rose to Brian, and Nick struggles to not puke in his hand. “Getting this rose is better than winning a state championship,” Brian says.  Um, really? I’d take the championship. But that’s just me. Meanwhile, the basketball losers return to the suite and sulk.

Stalker Marcus got the last one-on-one date. Andi is afraid of heights, as is Marcus, so they rappel off the side of their 30-story hotel. The plan was for them to rappel past the guys’ suite, but Andi starts shitting herself and saying she can’t look down.

Marcus makes the situation worse, saying things like, “Good girl,” “Don’t look down, look at me,” and “Lean back, hon!” Ugh. I want to punch him in the teeth.

Marcus tries to make small talk with Andi to get her mind off things, but it sucks because you can see just how far up they were in the reflective windows.

Marcus: Tell me about your mom. Is she like you?
Andi: She’s nicer. She plays Mahjong with her friends. She golfs, [but] not very well.

They make out. The oxygen up there must’ve been realllly thin because Andi’s all, “I have yet to find a flaw with Marcus. Is there a single bad thing about Marcus?” Um, yeah. A whole bunch of things, actually. Just wait. The cray cray will come out.  Andi, still not getting enough oxygen, says, “I can’t believe you’ve been single for 3 years.”

They have dinner in the oldest working inn in America. Andi says she’s very open and trusting, and been burned in the past, that guys have cheated on her. She gave Mucus the rose, which he referred to twice as “the elephant in the room.”

Mucus tells her he’s addicted to her. Ew. Wait, because it gets worse. They go dancing in the casino, and he tells her several times that he’s falling in love. And she doesn’t run away. Yikes.

Andi gets a knock on her door and receives a special delivery, and it’s not flowers. It was a love letter from a secret admirer, who has excellent penmanship and some dirt under his nails, according to the black and white blurry “teaser” video. I’m going with Farmer Chris.

At the cocktail party, Brian interrupted Tasos’ one-on-one time, which was pretty bold. He took her back to the basketball court to give her the kiss he’d been thinking about for the past 24 hours. Andi was pleased, and says Brian’s a good kisser.

Eric has a bee in his bonnet, and he needs to talk to Andi. He says he’s been very open with her, and he feels that she’s not being herself with him. “I came on this to meet a person, not a TV actress,” he said. Pretty harsh. Needless to say, this strategy didn’t go over well with Andi. I’m not sure how he envisioned that going down, but I can’t believe he’d honestly think he could call her fake and they’d just continue on their merry way on the road to love.

Andi breaks down and tells the guys if they don’t think this is real, then they should leave. Producers called a cab and Eric drove away.

Chris Harrison welcomed us back from the commercial break to inform us that there wouldn’t be a rose ceremony because it “doesn’t feel right.” They wanted to honor Eric’s tragic death, so he and Andi talk about Eric which TOTALLY feels right. (Not.)

Chris Harrison asked what happened with Eric, and Andi said he wasn’t as open as the others.

The accident happened while they were on hometown dates. She’d just had her last one. That’s when they found out about the accident and that Eric had died. Chris Harrison wanted everyone to be together because they were “family.” Mmmm-hmmmm.

They talk about how losing someone who’s part of the family puts things into perspective. Andi says she’s gone through the stages of grief. (Um, didn’t this happen like, a few weeks ago?)

They all take solace in the fact that Eric was a part of their lives, and Chris Harrison informed us that Tasos was eliminated during the rose ceremony. They weren’t going to show it out of respect for Eric.

Tonight’s y’all count: 11 (5 at the cocktail party).

Episode 5: The Bachelorette: The Journey So Far special:

BUT, fast forward to tonight, and we get to see it as part of the whole 4 minutes of previously unseen footage during “The Bachelorette: The Journey So Far” special. (And when I say special, I mean the Boyz II Men sense of the word. Special.

Anyone else notice how the show’s recapped by a horror announcer? Andi says y’all five times, and tells people to “Stop!” twice.

We basically got to relive the awkwardness of the past 4 episodes. Brett stealing the lamp from the hotel and presenting it to Andi.  Emil introducing himself as “Anal with an M.”

Marcus, if it’s possible, comes off as even more of a stalker in his introduction – “I do hope you keep me, God willing, forever.”

And, of course, Chris B.’s embarrassing attempt to crash opening night, and Chris Harrison sending him on his way.

We got to see the strip club date at the mall, with the men making it rain for charity,

Dylan grinding on Chris Harrison, and Boyz II Men still looking uncomfortable as the guys butchered their song.

The basketball date was …still boring. “In true Bachelorette fashion, this game was a heartbreaker,” the narrator narrated. Good to see the show’s not resorting to bad puns.

Next up were the one-on-one date highlights, and I realized that Eric had a story for everything. On their date, they’re driving in a convertible to the beach, and this is the convo:

Eric: “We ended up camping with a witch doctor in the African savanna.”

Andi: “Stop. Do you know how to drive a motorcycle?”

Eric: “Yeah, I actually rode a motorcycle halfway across Africa a few months ago.”

Next was the “Pretty Woman” date at the racetrack with Chris and excellent narration, like, “After a day at the track, it was Andi’s heart that was racing.” And Andi and JJ play “good OLD dress up.”

“Things were moving full steam ahead” with Dylan and Andi. But then they HIT THE BRAKES when Dylan shared his tragic story. (That last part was mine. I like to think it would’ve made the cut.)

Andi “went out on a ledge to find love” with Marcus on their rappelling adventure. “He, like, got me off the ledge. I mean he literally got me off that ledge,” Andi marveled.

Because the Bachelorette is so classy, it waited until THIS WEEK to show unaired scenes from last week – a/k/a the unaired rose ceremony that they skipped showing out of respect for Eric.

The unseen footage was essentially what happened after Eric left. Here’s what we missed:

We missed Cody talking about how this was a marathon and not a sprint. Deep thoughts!

Nick wanted to make out with Andi, but she was upset so he reluctantly told her to go ahead and spill her guts.

Cody, Josh, Tasos and Andrew all started whining about how they wanted to be the one to comfort her and Nick was being selfish and arrogant. Boo-freakin’ hoo.

“And now, the rose ceremony you never got to see.” (Because we were pretending to be respectful.)  Chris Harrison lectures the guys that if they aren’t there for the right reasons, they need to leave because homegirl’s made sacrifices to find love.

Andi addresses the guys and says what’s done is done and she’s over it. “I’m lookin’ at y’all!” Feelings are raw, natural and crazy, she says. She and her trout pout distributed roses in the same fashion she has all season, and Marquel called her ma’am again. Half of the guys look like they took a flea dip in the self-tanner pool.

“I owe some of the best days of my life to you,” Tasos told Andi when she sent him packing. Really? Andi says the lady who winds up with him is a lucky gal – hell, she’s getting a free wedding planner!

Next week, they’re off to South France, where Andi proclaims that, “It’s like the perfect place to fall in love!” There will be boat rides, fancy dinners, and public miming. Then, Chris Harrison walks in with “devastating” news. Um, really? A guy died and you’re calling whatever you’re going to announce devastating?  Cody and Nick get into it, Marquel confronts Andrew, and they all have their periods, because the ladies are travelling together.

See y’all next week!

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