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Jun 02

Bachelorette Episodes 2 & 3: Strippers + Boyz II Men Make Andi All Tingly

Photo courtesy of ABC

I’m a little behind, Bachelor Nation, so I’m doing a 2-for-1: last week’s episode plus Sunday’s episode, with tonight’s to come. Apologies! Let’s get into it —

Episode 2, a/k/a “the show where one of the guys gets sent home early because he can’t handle his liquor.”

My friend Jessica said she lost count of Andi’s y’alls in the first episode, so I made it my personal mission to count them this time around. Episode 2 had 14. Episode 3 had 9, four of which occurred at the rose ceremony. (You’re welcome.)

Other words that were used more than necessary: epic (3) and vulnerable (4). But first, a quick recap of episode 2: standard format, 2 one-on-one dates, and a group date.

Eric (RIP) got the first date, who said it could be the beginning of his fairy tale. (Ouch.)  They went to the beach, flying kites and building sand castles (they’re first house together!) Gag. They took a helicopter ride (natch) and Eric became the first bachelor contestant to say thank you for the experience in Bachelor history. (Manners!)

I found it a little strange, though, when Eric, the alleged “world traveler,” said the helicopter ride was the “coolest thing ever.” Maybe his “world” adventures consist of a trip to Epcot Center and a spin in the tea cups?

It’s commercial time, and new mom and former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas gets a new look from Suave, since she’s more into convenience these days. “I feel like I’m the Bachelorette all over again!” she exclaims. Which is crap, because now she’s getting puked and pooped on. (Or maybe that was her original experience?)

The helicopter lands on Bear Mountain and they walk in the snow. Eric’s Mind. Is. Blown. (“We were on the beach 20 minutes ago!”) They have a lazy snowball fight, and they get snowboarding lessons from a professional snowboarder who sounded like he was going through puberty. They have dinner in a cabin and I question where they packed their stuff for the four outfit changes that occurred on this date. Eric gets the rose and they make S’mores, as Eric starts in with his story, “Well, in Guatamala, we roasted marshmallows over a volcano.” Yes, Eric, we get it. You totally bonded with the Pirates of the Caribbean.

It’s time for the group date and the guys arrive … drumroll please, at a nightclub in a mall to be strippers, and Craig says he’s nervous but “hopes Andi sees him in a good light,” which means he will inevitably make an ass of himself later in the evening.

Out come the “Hollywood Men” a/k/a cheesy strippers NOT from Hollywood, and Andi tells the guys to suck it up because it’s for “charity,” a/k/a “Bachelor Gives Back.” Riiiiight. I’m sure this is totally like Save the Children.

The guys were split up into three groups – firemen, army guys, and cowboys, and two solo routines: Marcus the Aviator, and Nick was the Stripping Robot.

I felt bad for Carl the real firefighter, because he had to listen to the other guys ask the strippers stupid questions, like, “Is this real equipment?” Answer: No.

Btw, anyone else curious where Brian got the mystery black eye?

Marcus is mortified. He askes whether he can wear his own underwear and they say no, you must use official stripper banana hammocks. If I was a guy, I’d have to sit this one out. I mean, are the Speedos fresh or recycled? I’d want proof. Craig tells everyone he wants to stuff his underwear. Andi says she’s impressed with the guys’ packages.  I lost my appetite.

Nick comes out in his robot outfit and bends over, showing Andi, in her words, “parts of a man no woman’s supposed to see.”

Then the firefighters come out and get into some audience participation. The script was amazing, and the announcer was deadpan: “This house is on fire. Someone call 911.” In one of the best moments of the evening, Dylan got confused and gave Chris Harrison a lap dance.

After the ladies “made it rain for charity,” Craig gets trashed and becomes even more obnoxious than usual. During his one-on-one time with Andi, and given the opportunity to ask her anything, he asked (slurring), “What’s your worst thing about your parents? Boom!” Craig keeps drinking, and decides nothing would impress Andi more than if he got naked and jumped in the pool.  He thought wrong. The producers had to help him find his clothes and take him back to the house.

Bradley insisted on singing opera to Andi, which is starting to grate on me. (Wait until Week 3.) Andi gave the rose to Marcus, the introverted stripper with a heart of gold.

The last date went to Farmer Chris, meaning JJ Pants, Nick V., and Andrew were dateless this week. They went to the polo fields/racetrack, which gave Andi a chance to re-live her “Pretty Woman” fantasy two weeks in a row. Chris seems pretty funny. When getting ready for the date, he said, “Let’s put some lipstick on this pig.”

They sipped mint juleps, and then ABC bribed an elderly couple, married for 55 years, to strike up a conversation about how long they’d been together. (A total “When Harry Met Sally” moment.)

Chris says he’s already a winner because he’s with the most amazing woman on the planet. Um, stop. No, really. Stop. He gets the rose.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, the guys are salivating over Andi like she’s a steak. Marquel didn’t bring any cookies (disappointing.) Brett did a puppet show with his dress socks, and Andi kept him around anyway.

Josh can’t stop talking about how attracted he is to Andi and how she’s his type. He really digs her, turns red, and talks nonsense until they make out which he says was “so natural.” Because nothing says NATURAL like having a camera crew capture your first kiss on network TV.

In an effort to land in Andi’s good graces, Craig played guitar and sang a song that included the phrase, “I bared my junk to 13 other guys.” He thought he’d actually get a rose after that, which was one of the funnier moments of the night.Nick S., Craig, and Carl were sent home.  I think bromancers Patrick and Andrew need to team up “Three Men and a Baby” style and adopt a dog.

Photo courtesy of ABC

Episode 3, a/k/a “the episode where Boyz II Men should really fire their manager.”

In part one of this two-night event, we see Andi, for the second week in a row, driving her rented convertible. She’s so over L.A., and ready to take the love train to Santa Barbara. (Promotional consideration provided by the Bacara Resort & Spa)

The first date went to Nick the Pessimist, who asked before the date, “What are the chances this will work out?” They went bike riding (with helmets), talked about the chill energy, and about how they had to get out of L.A., after spending a whole week there. They went hiking at a place called “Lizard’s Mouth.” And by hiking, I mean getting off their bikes, removing their helmets and walking ten steps to sit on a rock to watch the sunset. Nick compliments Andi on her resume. (Wtf, is he offering her a job?) Andi thinks it’s “cute” that Nick’s skeptical. ‘Cuz I’m sure that won’t grate on you if you spent your life with Eeyore. They have dinner on the steps of a local courthouse, he throws out a bullshit view of romance – we know we can find other people, but we want to put in the work, but we know we can find other people, and Andi’s eating this up with a spoon. She gives him a rose, and they make out in the courthouse. Respect the law.

The group date card arrives and Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric Andrew, Patrick and Marcus’ names were on the card. Marcus, who’s wearing a shirt, is not pleased to be on the musical date. “We’re gonna separate the boys from the men,” Andi teases.

The guys are going to sing with Boyz II Men, and Opera Man Bradley thinks he’s got the date in the bag. “I knew it!” he gloats, since it’s 1997. “This date was orchestrated for me!” he boasts. Oy. As the Boyz say, “It’s gon’ be a long night!” Brian’s pumped, because “they made me fall in love in 7th and 8th grade so many times over again!” Even Eric says he’s pretty sure he “touched his first butt” to the song “I’ll Make Love to You.” *swoon*

The Boyz have some grey hairs in their goatees, and they weren’t wearing their matching suits, but they try to teach the guys to sing “I’ll Make Love to You,” and it’s as painful as it sounds.

One of the Boyz calls tone deaf Josh “special.” Cody, who looks like a Chucky doll when he sings, says he was kicked out of choir.  Brian will be lip syncing, and Patrick was a pretty crappy singer, too.

Bradley oversang it. Ron sucked, too. Tasos was the only one who didn’t make my ears bleed. Andi was a pretty terrible singer, too, so the Boyz just had her keep saying “yeah” throughout the song. It was slightly less painful than Desiree’s “Right Reasons” video with Soulja Boy.

For the big night, the guys dressed up Motown Philly-style. Andrea Bocelli  Bradley tried to opera-sing it, went so far as to put his hand to his ear and the non-existent earpiece (reminiscent of Cyndi Lauper in the “We Are the World” video), called Andi “baby girl,” and was as ridiculous as you thought he would be. Cody was 2 full beats and a full octave off. Brian was tone deaf. All the white girls in the audience were waving their arms in the air like they just didn’t care, and the Boyz were shaking their heads in disgust.

At the after party, Andi gives Josh the rose. Marcus’ shirt should’ve be green because he’s MAD JEALOUS of the other guys. He seems to be coming unhinged, saying, “What Josh and Andi have is nowhere near what Andi and I have.” Spoken like a true nut job.

JJ, the Pantsapreneur, got the final one-on-one date, where they dressed up like senior citizens, complete with painted-on wrinkles and age spots so they could see what it’d be like to grow old together. Pants is all, “ok, fun!” when any normal person would be like “This is the worst date ever,” especially after they transformed him into a creepy old man. They went on the Santa Barbara boardwalk to try to fool strangers, because that screams dream date to me. They pretended it was their 50th anniversary and they walked slumped over to feed swans, riding Rascal scooters.

Andi thought they fooled people, when really people were wondering why two clowns in bad wigs and makeup were making out on a tire swing and giving piggyback rides to each other with a camera crew following them, screaming about Judith and Herb. They shared a Werther’s Original, so their elderly experience was complete.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Ron got a call with some bad news, a close friend died, so he left early. A little ironic, since that person won’t be growing old. (Too soon!)

Question: How long can you make old people jokes and limp from bench-to-bench? Answer: All day long, if you’re Andi and Pants. “You look ridiculous in the most flattering way,” Andi said. Aw, love.

At the cocktail party, Nick sent flowers that were delivered during Eric’s one-on-one time, and Andi couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. Nick says he wanted to make an unnatural experience natural, by doing something he’d do for her in real life. Eric wanted to kill Nick.

Pants and his wild pants had a bee in his bonnet and he “needed to get something off his chest” – namely, that the previous week, Andrew got a restaurant hostess’ number during a group date and bragged about it to the guys waiting in the van. What a dumbass. Did Andrew think this wasn’t going to come up? Why it came up then, a week later, is a little strange, but whatevs. Pants and Josh take Andrew aside to talk it out “like men.” Josh says Andrew’s actions were disrespectful and they wanted to discuss it. Andrew hightailed it out of there, ran away, and locked himself in his room, like an innocent person is wont to do.  Marcus told Andi he believes in love at first sight and gushes about her, and slipped her a note, again talking about how nobody has the connection they share. I hope she sleeps with her shades closed, because Marcus seems like the kind of guy who would watch her sleep.

Nick, Josh, and Pants all had roses. Additional rose recipients this week: Stalker Marcus, Coach Brian, Marquel (who ma’amed her for a third (!) time, and lived to tell the tale), Tasos, Cody, Patrick, Farmer Chris, Eric, Dylan, and Andrew.

That means Opera Man Bradley and Brett were sent packing. Bradley should’ve toned it down a few octaves and Brett really should’ve prepared a sock puppet show.

 

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