May 20

Buckle up, Bachelor Fans! (Or, Bachelorette Andi’s giving up her legal career for this?)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Hey, y’all! It’s Bachelorette time, y’all! Is this getting old, y’all? Y’all? Yes, we get it Andi. You’re from the South. You’re a southern belle. Enough already with the y’all, though, OK?

The season started with Chris Harrison addressing another first in Bachelor history – noting that a contestant died during filming (after he was off the show). So, the show’s decided to dedicate the season to him. Let me get this straight. She doesn’t pick the guy, he’s sent packing, he dies, and then the show dedicates someone else’s love story/journey/fairytale to him? Ok, just checking.

Andi is READY for love, y’all. So ready, in fact, that she’s ready to give everything up.  She’s strutting to the Fulton County courthouse in a severe ponytail, visiting crime scenes in an official local government jacket, and she’s giving ALL THIS UP. “I remember just getting this,” she says wistfully as she removes her diploma from the wall. That’s because you JUST got it, like, a little over a year ago. (According to the Georgia Bar, Andi Janette Dorman became an attorney in November 2012. I know how to use Google.)

Well, she’s giving one thing up, that’s for sure. She can kiss being a criminal prosecutor goodbye. Hope she enjoyed the months she was one/finds everlasting love because there’s no way she’ll ever be able to enter a courtroom to prosecute gang crimes and not get harassed about her reality career.

Andi hugs her parents goodbye in their SWEET digs (would love to live in that basement!) and embarks on her lovestory/journey/fairytale. “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it,” Andi says. What’s the “it”? Love? Vacation? Attention?

Then it’s on to the obligatory Los Angeles shopping trip, where she recreates the Julia Roberts on Rodeo Drive scene in “Pretty Woman,” minus the prostitution. She’s trying out silly hats! Look, she’s making fish faces! She’s driving in a convertible! Oh, now she’s posing for publicity photos in front of a (fake) wall of law books, which hopefully she can keep for  her infomercial career, which is all you can pretty much do after being on reality TV anyway.

It’s time for a commercial break, and just when you think you’re in a Bach-free zone for three minutes, surprise! You’re not! Not to be outdone, last season’s bachelorette, Desiree Hartsock, stars in a Suave commercial. Because nothing says forever or wedding day dreams like a bottle of $3.99 conditioner.

Then, we’re back to Andi bubbling with joy about the prospects of finding her dream husband in a room of 25 guys handpicked by Heidi Fleiss’ brother. “Like, I could get engaged by summer!” she marvels.

Andi’s sister arrives for some squealing and asks the important questions like how many guys does she plan to kiss on national television, and helps her zip up her gold shimmery Oscar dress. “You could be meeting the love of your life right now!” she says. Right. Because the odds are like, what, 5 percent with this series? Andi switched out of the Oscar dress for a flesh-colored sparkly number. “I can see the end because I’m finally starting my beginning,” she gushes. At the ripe old age of 26.

And then, it’s time with a capital T. Andi’s limo pulls up, Chris Harrison helps her out of it, and they shoot the shit ‘til the first limo of oogling guys arrives. How does Chris Harrison pretend to care after 28 seasons? It’s not like anything new is going to happen. Unless we are in for the MOST. SHOCKING. EPISODE. IN. BACHELORETTE. HISTORY. He’s a great actor, that Chris Harrison. He deserves a raise.

The guys roll in and start saying stupid things like, “That smile is devastating!” and “she’s glowing!” Um, yeah. It’s a sparkly dress. Let’s meet them, shall we?

Marcus, the 25-year-old sports medicine manager from Dallas. Andi thinks he’s hot and says this several times through the episode. She loves that he’s so worldly. She also explains, to every guy, that she’s “a hugger” and that she gives hugs on the first date. Lots of exposition going on here.

Chris, the 32-year-old Iowa corn/soybean/feed animal farmer, with Chiclet teeth. His spray tan really makes his teeth pop! In their one-on-one time in the garden, he says he’s a fourth generation farmer and Andi says she loves the outdoor life. Riiiiight. Girl likes getting pampered.

JJ, the 30-year-old “Pantsapreneur” from San Francisco, is giddy about this season’s “love quest.” Ugh. I think he’s the male equivalent of professional “free spirit” Lucy. Maybe they could meet up if this doesn’t work out? Because it won’t.

Marquel, a 26-year-old sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas was sweet, saying, “I’m just here to complement you, I’ll take a distant second.” Cute, right? Until he ma’am’d her. Yep. Yikes. But he redeemed himself by somehow smuggling in a giant plate of cookies and having an impromptu cookie party with Andi during the cocktail party. He confessed that the love of his life right now is cookies, as he offered her a black and white cookie. I’d give him the first impression rose right there.

Tasos, the 30-year-old wedding coordinator from Denver, brought Andi a lock to put on the fence to recreate the Lover’s Bridge in Paris. They threw the key in the fountain. Apparently, he didn’t watch Emily’s (or was it Ali’s?) season since I’m pretty sure they did the same thing and it failed. Miserably. So, way to recycle unsuccessful traditions, Tasos. (It was one of the blonde girls, and it didn’t work out in the end, is my point.

Cody, a 28-year-old personal trainer from Chicago pushed the limo up the hill, and is one of the only fair-haired guys.

Steven, the 30-year-old Snowboard Product Developer from Encinitas, California, was “stoked” to be there. He offered to teach Andi to surf and used “rad” in a sentence. Multiple times.

Rudie, the 31-year-old attorney from Long Beach, asked for permission to approach the Bachelorette. *gag* He gave her a magic marker/construction paper Fourth Amendment waiver as permission to “search” his background. Oh, goodie. Another guy who LOVES talking about himself. Joy.

Carl, the 30-year-old firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, gave her a globe with an arrow on it to mark their first meeting. Sweet.

Jason, the 35-year-old urgent care physician from Wisconsin with an unfortunate haircut, had the worst line of the night. He says he can diagnose people by looking at them. “I think you have a fever because you look pretty hot.”

Nick V., the 33-year-old software sales executive from Chicago in a polka dot tie, is one of 11 kids. Didn’t think there was anything that interesting about him, but he got the first impression rose.

Dylan, the 26-year-old accountant from Boston, went all “the boy in the bubble” on her and gave her a ton of space because he was so nervous.

Patrick, the 29-year-old advertising executive from Newport Beach, brought a soccer ball, which he dribbled weakly. He says he plays but he’s nothing like the last guy. (Really? Because he seems a LOT like the last guy – very arrogant and kinda rude.)

Emil, the 33-year old helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, is the oldest looking 33-year-old IN BACHELOR HISTORY. He did, however, have a really funny line. When introducing himself to Andi, she had trouble pronouncing his name. So he told her that “it’s anal with an M.” Bet she’ll never forget! (She also sent him packing.)

Brett, the 29-year-old hairstylist from Pennsylvania with the semi-mullet, brought a floor lamp that he stole from the Sheraton hotel. He awkwardly presented it to Andi, telling her his mom said he should, “Never greet a lady empty-handed.” (Ever hear of a shower cap? Those are easy to move and actually useful.)

Craig, a 29-year-old tax accountant (like there’s another kind?) from Denver, popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate that Andi’s the bachelorette. He was WAY excited and remained red-faced and slightly manic the rest of the evening. (A young Chris Farley, perhaps?)

Ron, a 28-year-old beverage sales manager from Nashville, whom I cannot pick out of a lineup.

Bradley, a 32-year-old opera singer from Michigan. (Wonder if he knows Sharleen?)

After he introduced himself, he promised to serenade Andi in the cocktail party, before taking out a planter. (Yay for the klutzes!)

Josh B., a 29-year-old telecommunications manager from Denver. Denver in the HOUSE!

Nick S., the 27-year-old professional golfer from Florida, who rode in on a golf cart. Andi says she’s “got a little swing.” Thud. This crowd is rough! (A little golf humor. I played in high school to meet boys. It didn’t work.)

Brian, a 27-year-old basketball coach from Pennsylvania, had a crooked tie and seems a little dim.

Andrew, a 30-year-old social media marketer from California, is smarmy looking. He seems really into Andi, like he’s already planning to put “Andi and Andy” on the wedding cocktail napkins in scripted font.

Mike, the 29-year-old Utah bartender, wanted to re-enact meeting under “normal” circumstances, which just came across as lame. He slipped her his number, which is irrelevant since they don’t have access to cell phones. (Duh.)

Eric, the ill-fated 31-year-old explorer from California, gave Andi dolls he said he received from a little girl he met at the foot of the Andes Mountains who asked that he give them to his girlfriend. (Pretty sure he bought them at a gift shop.) He said he’s travelling for “work.” Who pays you to travel to every country in the world? Where do I sign up? I understand there’s an opening. (Too soon?)

Josh M., a 29-year-old former pro baseball player from Atlanta, who’s totally Andi’s type, and the feeling’s mutual.

Andi is “blown away” by the caliber of men that came out for her. She tells them, “From experience I can tell you it works!” Note that she didn’t say well. It doesn’t work WELL. Andi also said she felt the love of her life was in the room. Again, not buying it.

She’s relieved that her fear that the guys were going to pull an Ashley Hebert and not be glad the Bachelorette was her was completely unfounded. They were pretty jazzed it was her.

Meanwhile, at the craft services table, Chris Bukowski (from Emily’s season), shows up bearing roses, and a feisty security guard confiscates them. He says he wants to meet Andi. Ew. Just, ew. Since Andi has a brain in her head and presumably saw how gross Chris acted on “Bachelor Pad,” I was pretty sure he was going home, but the producers strung it out for awhile.

Meanwhile, Andi’s having an awesome time playing golf, getting gifts of pants, being serenaded by Opera Man, and eating cookies. Patrick and Andrew are in another room, developing a bromance over Formula One racing.

Back to the front yard, where the security team “checks” Chris for weapons (by asking him if he has any weapons, not checking him for actual weapons) and the guard says he’s giving the roses to his wife. Chris Harrison tells Andi that Chris crashed the party, and asked what she wanted to do. She told him she wasn’t interested, and Chris Harrison told him to scram. Chris B. says he’s been out there for seven days and isn’t leaving. Chris Harrison’s like, “Dude, respect her wishes.” Chris B. insists he’s not leaving. Well, that’ll be awkward when they start going on their group dates and pass Chris B. camped out on the lawn. Chris finally leaves with his tail between his legs, after Chris Harrison warns that things will only go badly for him.

Inside, Andi’s ready to give out roses. She again says she’s blown away by the caliber of guys. Of course, that’s easy to say when everyone’s on their best behavior for the first 15 minutes.

The group went from 25 to 19. Sk8erboy looked like he was going to have a meltdown, while several other guys’ self-tanner was pooling under their collars.

Here’s who received roses: Nick V. (first impression), JJ “Pants,” Adventurer Eric, Marquel, Smiley Craig, Tasos, Josh M., Brian, Bradley (Opera Man), Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl, farmer Chris, Dylan, Brett, Patrick, Cody, and Nick S.

That left Rudie, Emil (a/k/a “Anal with an M”), Dr. Jason, Josh B., Mike, and Steven roseless. In his post-rejection interview, Dr. Jason was crestfallen, asking whether there was something he could’ve done differently. Um, maybe not showing up looking like the Little Dutch Boy on the first night of a dating show? Get a haircut!  Josh B. was totally sour grapes and called the show “stupid.” Then he pouted some more, stomped his feet, crossed his arms, took his toys, and went home.

Then came the teasers for the season: Venice, Belgium, sledding, train riding, frat boys gone bad, Andi crying over how “real” everything is, guys crying (presumably about the “realness”). Andi dramatically removing her mic and saying it’s not a fairytale. Get ready, Bachelor fans!

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