Mar 04

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (But Not Really)

Photo courtesy of ABC

First off, according to US Weekly, Renee’s engaged. To another dude. Zero mention of that. Also, the “swimming in the ocean” was pretty glossed over. Can’t we just get this season over with already?

Sean, Catherine, and her new bangs bring purity and wholesomeness to the stage as the newlyweds talked about their fairytale wedding.  They went to Bora Bora and watched their wedding and entire courtship, because that’s not a narcissistic thing to do at all.  Sean said a Lowe (see what I did there?) point of the trip was when a stingray “latched on to my man parts.”  He says he was a little bruised but no worse for the wear.  Chris Harrison asked how “the wedding night” was – Catherine said it was very romantic, but the fireworks were “quick.”  Um, ok.  Have they fulfilled their contractual obligations to ABC yet?

Chris Harrison also taped a cheesy segment with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog to promote the new Muppet movie and couldn’t be bothered to shave.  First the M&Ms, now the Muppets.  Nothing like a movie tie-in to prolong Juan Pablo’s inevitable ass-whooping from the ladies, after the break.

Lauren H, Kylie, Danielle, Elise, Alli, Victoria, Chantel, Christy, Lauren S, Lucy (who still insists on listing her occupation as “Free Spirit”), Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, Kelly (and Molly the dog – my favorite bitch!), Sharleen, Renee, and Andi were on hand for the festivities. (Conspicuously absent was the reporter chick from Disney World. (No idea what her name is.)  Kelly was concerned that Molly didn’t like Juan Pablo.  (That Molly’s a smart gal.)

Chris Harrison asked the question “Why isn’t just being attractive enough?” with a straight face. Danielle said the conversations were not deep, and several ladies mentioned that Juan Pablo didn’t ask them about themselves.  He had two conversations with Alli where he asked her the same “Where do you see yourself in X years” question — yet another fine illustration that listening isn’t his strong suit. (Along with having a personality or being capable of producing an original thought.)

Kelly said he used his daughter as an excuse a lot when he didn’t want to kiss some women but had no qualms about kissing others shortly after.  He wasn’t talking about his daughter when he was in the ocean with Clare, that’s for sure!  Cassandra (Mom #2) said he would change the rules (that he made) a lot.

As for the “swimming in the ocean” thing: Clare’s roommates (Andi and Kat) didn’t know she’d sneaked out of the room to go “swimming in the ocean.” All the ladies disagreed with Juan Pablo’s move to shame Clare.  Opera singer Sharleen, ever the blunt one, called it “a case of buyer’s remorse.”

Chris Harrison called Sharleen the most intriguing contestant in the history of the show. During taping, she said she wished she was dumber, and was waiting for a “cerebral connection”  with JP. As Juan Pablo would say, “It’s OK, it’s OK.”  Sharleen said she had no idea she was one of Juan Pablo’s “favorite girls,” while the other ladies said it was totally obvious.

Next up was Renee. Renee made it sound like all single parents belong to a special club and can automatically connect with each other on a different level.  It’s not like you’re super compatible right off the bat with every single single parent. If that were true, there would be major hooking up going on at parent-teacher conferences.  Renee said she was “in a situation now where I am very happy.” Um, you’re engaged. (That was quick, even by Bachelor standards!)

Chris Harrison called Andi up to the hot seat and she dished about her nightmare evening in the fantasy suite.  She said up to that point, she’d enjoyed getting to know Juan Pablo, and felt that the possibility of falling in love was there.  She said they had fun for awhile in the suite, but then he name dropped and talked about his soccer and travel, and he was giving off a negative vibe.  “I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.”  True that.  JP made some comments that pissed Andi off – that she’d barely made it to the overnight dates, discussing his overnight date with Clare, for example. Andi confessed to faking falling asleep to get the date over with/make the morning come sooner.

After another commercial break, it was finally time for Juan Pablo to face the firing squad. (Funny, all the “I Love Juan Pablo” t-shirts in the audience during “The Bachelorette” finale were missing this time around.)  JP said he wouldn’t take back or change anything he said to the women, even after Chris Harrison asked him, again, whether he had any regrets about how he treated them.  Juan Pablo said he was “just being honest.” Clearly he doesn’t understand what the word “honest” means.

Lauren (the girl who hauled the piano up the driveway on Night One) told him she wished he’d been more straightforward and honest that the feelings weren’t there.  He’s all, “I didn’t come on the show to kiss 27 women.” Really? You didn’t? Because I’m pretty sure why you came on the show.

Cassandra called JP on his bullshit excuse that he was looking out for Renee’s son, saying “if Renee wasn’t for you, you shouldn’t have gone to meet Ben on the hometown [date].” Juan Pablo seemed genuinely perplexed, since he introduces Camila to everyone as his “friend” on a first date.  Daddy has A LOT of friends. [Disclaimer: I’m not a parent, but that seems like an A+ strategy. What could possibly go wrong?]

Andi, God bless her, is still trying to get JP to understand some things, which was like talking to a brick wall.  She wanted him to understand that the women came on the show to find a husband, and his conversations with the women were not reflective of him looking for a wife.  Save your breath, girl.  (Tonight’s phrase of the night: “That’s your opinion… and it’s OK.”)

Kelly, as the child of a gay parent, was offended (and rightfully so) by JP’s statement to the media that there shouldn’t be a gay Bachelor or Bachelorette because they are “more pervert.” He said it was “taken out of context.” Kelly said to tell it to her in Spanish.  Victoria, the chick who got drunk and left the show after her meltdown, and apparently didn’t learn English until she was 15, totally redeemed herself when she asked him to stop using the “English as a second language” line.  He says he loves gay people.  I still say bullshit.

After everyone’s super uncomfortable, it’s time for an awkward transition to the bloopers, where we see Juan Pablo say, “Somewhere there’s that somebody that is gonna have the qualities that you are looking for and that she will accept me and my little package.” He said it again, and the producer had to explain to him that he’s telling everyone he has a tiny penis.  Also, Molly took a dump in the pool. But, ees OK.

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