Feb 26

The Bachelor is Finally Imploding

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

The show went from 27 eager bachelorettes down to two. In the last two weeks, two women left the show because they just weren’t feeling it. It started in Week 7, when Sharleen finally realized going to a kid’s “dance” recital where they scream/sing about going to Broadway wasn’t her jam, and removed herself from competition.  She said she was missing the “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo, which is an understatement. The dude is SIMPLE.  And full of himself.  And annoying.  And irritating.  And a bigot.  But aside from that, he’s a joy, I’m sure.

Nikki also got a date in Miami, where she got to meet JP’s entire family, including his ex (and baby mama), which he said was “natural.” Um, no. Nothing about this show is natural. Chelsie was sent packing after she read letters from her parents aloud to JP, because she was homesick. Bitch, this ain’t camp. It’s the Bachelor. And Clare droned on and on about how her dead daddy’s video to her future fiancée is safely ensconced in a bank vault somewhere in Sacramento.  Clare and Nikki have a fight where Nikki calls Clare crazy and compares her to a dog that peed on a tree to mark “territory that may not be hers.” Seriously, ladies? You’re fighting over HIM? You can do better.

So this week, it was the hometown dates, and Nikki was up first.  They went to Oklahoma Joe’s for “gas station BBQ” which, I’ve been there, and it totally is. (My ex took me to Kansas City for a BBQ weekend for my birthday, because what gal wouldn’t want to eat BBQ for breakfast, lunch and dinner for three days straight? The same girl who wasn’t THRILLED to spend a romantic weekend at an indoor water park. But that’s another post.)

Next, they head to a bar for mechanical bull riding in the middle of the day. Listening to Juan Pablo say, “I’m OK, I’m OK,” in falsetto while being thrown from a fake bull is NOT hot, but Bitchy Felicity has the love blinders on. She takes him to have dinner with her family, and they seem nice and normal. We find out that ABC pays for JP to fly first-class, while the rest of the harem travels coach. Classy.

Nikki confides in her mom that she’s in love with the Bachelor, and that there’s a physical and mental attraction there. Really? Where’s the mental attraction? Unless you like ‘em ignorant and dumb, then you’re good to go.  JP tells Nikki’s dad he loves her honesty, and wants to make sure he and his daughter would be accepted into their family if she’s the one. Nikki’s Dad defers the decision to Nikki.

Dad wants to know what Nikki sees in JP as husband material – she says he makes her comfy and there’s a “magical component.” (Pixie dust? Crickets? The dustpan in “Fantasia?” WHAT MAGICAL COMPONENT?????)

Andi and her dramatic hombre hair meet JP in Atlanta. They went to a shooting range for target practice, and we learn that Andi’s a good shot. The guy at the range was more excited than Juan Pablo about this. Turns out the shooting range was good practice for meeting her family. A sign reading “WELCOME HOME POOKIE” greeted them at the front door. Pookie’s dad was very upset that his daughter didn’t get a one-on-one until there were 8 women left, and didn’t approve of Juan Pablo. (Smart guy.)

They toast at dinner, and dad clarifies that their table’s been blessed with “two wonderful children, a good son-in-law, and a visitor.” HA!

Juan Pablo wants to know if he proposes to Andi if he and his daughter will be accepted into their family and that’s when dad gets squirmy.  He’s like – you’re dating three other chicks, I’m not giving you an answer. The guy who proposes to my daughter will be like, she’s the only one.  Andi’s trying HARD to convince herself she’s falling in love with him, but there’s no mental connection there.

Next up is Renee and her date in Sarasota, Florida. Renee hasn’t seen her son in 2 months and takes Juan Pablo to the Little League park to watch her son play baseball and then to her parents’ house for dinner.  I think it’s a little much to bring an 8-year-old kid onto a TV show to meet the guy your mom and 26 other women have been dating over the last two months that she was away from you. Explain that to your future therapist. Renee doesn’t tell Juan Pablo that she loves him, and she regrets it. Her mom has the best advice of the night: Be sure you’re in love with him, because you can always love your pets. Preach.

Last stop was Sacramento, Clare’s hometown. She took him to her favorite childhood park where she’d eat ice cream and feed the ducks with her dad. Her dead dad. Again. She told Juan Pablo that on his deathbed, they danced to the song she’d already picked for the father/daughter dance at her wedding. Then they threw rocks in the water in memory of her dad. Enough already.

Juan Pablo said to Clare, “I can’t wait to see why you are the way you are.” And, oh boy, did he ever. He met her mom, four of her sisters, and a brother-in-law. Her sister Madeline’s been married for 20 years and Clare says she values her opinion the most. I’m sure the others LOVED that. Clare says she’d accept JP’s proposal “in a heartbeat.”

We learn Clare’s parents got engaged after 3 weeks and were together for decades. Because that usually works out SO WELL.  One sister likes him, but Clare’s sister Laura isn’t ready to give her blessing. Her mom sits there silently, and Laura tells Clare to cut the crap and stop being manipulative. Clare stirs the pot and starts crying to her other sisters, saying it’s “killing her spirit.” Anyone else think this sounds like AshLee the professional organizer from Sean’s season?  When Clare’s mom finally speaks, she says JP seems like “a very stable man.” Noooooo! (Apparently, Clare the hairdresser gave Juan Pablo the douchebag a haircut and highlights, as evidenced from the photo on ABC’s website. How boring could that have been that it ended up on the cutting room floor?) “Frost just the tip!”)

At the rose ceremony, JP sent Renee home, and gave roses to Nikki, Clare and Andi. Honestly, Renee dodged a bullet. She is/was too good for him.

In part 2 of the episode, we see Nikki and Clare tell JP they’re in love with him in St. Lucia, while the fantasy suite was anything but for Andi.

Clare had the first overnight date, and she’s going back and forth about whether they’ll spend the night together since their “swim in the ocean” went south in Vietnam, so to speak. They spent the day frolicking on a yacht, and went to dinner in a cave. Clare wants to talk all things Camila. When the overnight key was presented, she wanted to make sure that he wasn’t going to slut shame her, and he was like, oh, it’s week 9, this is totally different, blah, blah, blah. We can spend the night together “talking” and still respect my daughter. Blah.  She tells him she’s falling in love with him. Big shocker. He calls her cute. Then they made out in the hot tub. Yawn.

Next up is Andi’s date, where they played steel drums at a seafood festival. And by played, I mean made a bunch of loud, obnoxious noises that disturbed people’s digestion. They sit down at a picnic table with some local kids, and right away, Juan Pablo tries to show what a great dad he is.  JP gets them juice and plays soccer with them, and Andi’s ovaries are exploding at this point. They make out under a waterfall.  They have dinner, and she accepts the fantasy suite key. JP wakes up and says he had a wonderful night with Andi. Andi, who’s bolted from the fantasy suite, had the opposite experience. She peaced out that morning, and said she saw a side of him she didn’t like. She said it was all one-sided, and he wasn’t into her, he was more about himself. He was a name-dropper and talked about his overnight date with Clare.

While Andi’s fuming, her buddy Nikki shows up for her date in a Pocahontas bikini, because that’s what you wear when you go horseback riding. Duh! She accepted the fantasy suite date card and tells him she loves him. Juan Pablo annoys me to no end because he calls all the ladies “cute” and asks them every 2 minutes what they’re thinking. Just because you don’t have a thought in your brain doesn’t mean you have to bug everyone else. Chill out.

Then, for whatever reason, we watch Juan Pablo and Chris Harrison shoot the shit about the dates before he watches the final messages the women taped for him before he makes his decision.  During his talk with Chris Harrison, JP says his meaning is getting lost in translation. Um, no. You’re just an idiot. Remember, you were born in the United States and you went to college in New York. You live in Miami. Stop blaming the language barrier! You’re a douche!

Nikki and Clare’s videos are just what you’d expect – starry-eyed love and ticking biological clocks (you could barely hear what they were saying, it was so loud!) Andi’s is more abrupt, and she says she wants to discuss her feelings in person. Go, girl!  We got to see Andi give Juan a withering cross-examination. Andi’s pissed because she gave up a lot to be there, and says he wasn’t taking the process seriously, and knows nothing about her.  When she told him she tried to get deeper with him but he’s like “It’s OK,” and “besitos” it’s annoying. And also, when he’s talking about his overnight dates with other women? He thinks that’s perfectly fine because “he’s being honest.” Honestly? He’s an asshole.  This whole “English is my second language” bullshit is so tired. You’re a dolt with zero personality, but that’s just me, being honest.  He told her she “barely” made it to the final three. Excuse me? How should someone take that, exactly? It’s insulting.  She pointed out that he has no idea about her religious views, her politics, social issues, or how she wants to raise her kids. He asked her what his religion was, she responded “Catholic” immediately and it backfired. He got very dismissive – like, that’s it! My feelings for you are over! Don’t come crawling back, because I won’t take you back!

She also told him to knock off the dismissive “it’s OK” bullshit. And he couldn’t. At the rose ceremony, he gave a stupid explanation to Clare and Nikki about how Andi had to leave.

Next week, it’s “The Women Tell All,” and I can’t wait to see the women confront him for being a bigoted, hypocritical asshat. And, in two weeks, we’ll get to see his family call him rude and “not an easy guy.” His FAMILY. That’s saying something.

Is Juan Pablo the worst Bachelor in Bachelor history?

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