Feb 10

The Bachelor, Week 6: It’s a S–t Show. Literally.

Photo courtesy of ABC

“At the end of the day…” OMG, if I have to hear another trite phrase or eruption metaphor, my head might explode. Enough already!

Ay yi yi…how many weeks are left?  The group is in New Zealand, where there’s a ton of sheep.  Every cutaway contains sheep or cows. Cassandra, who left her Caboodles kit in Vietnam, is sporting a  natural look, which is much better.  She’s missing her son, and she and Renee spend time missing their little boys.

Clare feels there’s a gray cloud hanging over her, since she’s not sure where she stands with Juan Pablo, and fears things might “explode” after last week.  (I’m not sure WHAT the ABC promos department was watching when they said things were going to hell, but this was a super-boring episode.  No conflict, nothing happens.  Zip, zero zilch.)

Andi gets the first one-on-one date and worries about ceding control.  She notes tensions are high, they are in the land of volcanoes, after all, and the tensions are ready to erupt. (Um, not really.)  JP takes her on a speedboat to a place called “the squeeze” which the locals tell him is very romantic. (Ahem, Wikipedia.)  They get out in the middle of a lake and wade between large, narrowing rocks to a waterfall where they made out under super hard water pressure. Good thing she’s not claustrophobic!

They have dinner on a geyser – I was hoping it would blow the smug smirk off Juan Pablo’s face, but no such luck.   The geyser actually erupted and ruined her dinner!  Andi doesn’t seem like the “roll with it” sorta gal/stepmommy material.  She’s perturbed that the eruption made her hair wet.

Andi asks Juan Pablo where his head’s at.  (Up his ass, perhaps?)   That’s a totally legit prosecutorial question, by the way.  I’ve been to lots of hearings where the hard-charging prosecutor asks a witness where his head’s at.  JP unzips his coat to reveal a rose and they make out some more.  Andi is jazzed to get the rose, saying, “It’s so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well!”  Nauseating.

The next day is the group date with Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat, and birthday girl Cassandra, who reminds us a dozen times that she’s turning 22.  Awww, she’s still excited about birthdays.  How cute.  Chelsie says New Zealand is just like Ohio…because there’s grass and cows.  She should be sent home immediately (she wasn’t.)

They go rolling down the hill in these giant see-through balls called Ogos — in their bikinis.  You have to go in them with a partner and there’s water sloshing around and it seems gross and also painful with body parts and pointy elbows flying around.  Chelsie says rolling down the hill was the most fun she’s ever had in her entire life.  Bitch be trying too hard.  Juan Pablo and Nikki found romance in their Ogo, making out as they rolled and bounced down the hill.  She’s lucky she didn’t chip a tooth.

The party continued at “Hobbiton” where we learn “Lord of the Rings” was filmed.  Sharleen lets her freak flag fly, and is beside herself with excitement at being at the location.

Nikki continued her disco cowgirl look with a black and white sequined Charlie Brown-esque miniskirt and has JP eating out of her hand when she tells him she’s falling for him.

I finally figured out what’s been bugging me about Nikki – she reminds me of a snotty “Felicity.”  Like, if Keri Russell was a bitch, instead of constantly flummoxed between Ben and Noel, she’d be Nikki.

Sharleen is struggling with her feelings (or lack of them) and calls the process “inorganic.” Well, duh. Nothing about this show is organic.  JP essentially tells her she’s thinking too hard and just needs to make out with him, which she does.

Meanwhile, the other girls are celebrating Cassandra’s birthday, and Cassandra seems genuinely touched.  Renee applauds JP for looking at her and Cassandra as coming with “packages” and not just baggage.  JP calls Renee and Cassandra his “special ones,” even telling Cassandra that right before he sent her home.  On her birthday.  He said he didn’t want to let her go, but her son missed her too much.  He’s so full of shit.  He gave the rose to Sharleen, and then sent Cassandra home in the rain.

The ladies speculated that he took Cassandra someplace to wish her a happy birthday, and by “wish her a happy birthday,” he meant sent her home in a local taxi.  He explained his decision to the ladies and a random Hobbit cat who was unimpressed.

Clare got the last one-on-one, and she’s still smarting from the events of last week.  “There’s a difference between being honest and hurting someone’s feelings,” she tells producers.  And she seems to finally realize that this is a two-way street, that it’s not just about how the guy feels about you, the woman has a say in her relationships and her feelings.  Just when I think she may be coming around, Juan Pablo kisses her and melts her brain.  They have a picnic, and he pseudo-apologizes.  Clare considers it an apology, I consider it a guy who still doesn’t get it and is a jack-ass.

He starts the convo with “I don’t know if you understood me that day.”  Uh, yeah, I heard what you said.  It was pretty clear that he tried to play it off that their “indiscretion” was on her because she hasn’t dated a guy with a kid before. Um, no.  Still calling bullshit.

Clare tries to get him to discuss boundaries and he avoids that question too.  She wanted to know if they did anything inappropriate, and he said that making out in the ocean “didn’t feel right” to him.  Yeah, he seemed soooo conflicted with her legs wrapped around him in the ocean.  She said he apologized that he upset her, but I didn’t hear that.  Must be something wrong with my TV.

OK, Juan Pablo constantly asking for translations is getting super-annoying.  (He did that twice tonight.)  Hello – you were born in Ithaca, New York and went to college in Rochester. Your family lives in Miami.  Seriously.  Knock it off.

Clare tells JP she prefers when they’re just being “real” and not going out to fancy dinners, so they change into sweatpants and she sports a wifebeater.  They slow danced around the living room.  Aw, I almost forgot how he humiliated her on national TV. Almost. I’d be more impressed if they went to dinner at the Olive Garden instead of these ridiculous luxury dates like I suggested awhile back, but apparently that’s a little TOO real.

The next night, Juan Pablo arrives at the cocktail party in his gas-guzzling Hummer.  He tells Nikki he’s wearing pink underwear which she apparently finds sexy and they make out.  JP talks to Renee about her son.  Kat’s sweating it a bit and, feeling the heat, pulls out the daddy card.  She tells Juan Pablo she’s been journaling throughout her journey (Oprah would be proud).  Kat says her daddy issues hold her back with guys.  “I don’t really like to talk about it much, but I’m going to have verbal diarrhea and air all my dirty laundry on national television!” Go big, or go home, Kat!  (Or both!)

It was too little too late, or a little too much, as the case may be.  The roses went to Nikki (Bitchy Felicity), Renee and Chelsie.  Andi, Sharleen, and Clare already had roses.

When Kat left, Sharleen looked really uncomfortable, almost like someone stole her balloon.  Kat seemed a bit deflated all night, made a marathon reference as she left, and cried in the limo.  Her problem, she says, is that she’s been told her whole life what a catch she is, YET SHE’S STILL ALONE!!!! WHY?!?!?!?  Sharleen says she’s very confused and feels guilty being there.  She’s feeling more doubtful about their connection and believes some of the other women are a better match.  She’s giving love one more week to bloom.

Next week, the harem head to Miami, where Nikki and Clare get into a fight and JP cries.

The highlight of the episode was the outtakes, where the women and Juan Pablo chased sheep on the group date and ended in a sheep poop fight. (Yes, you read that right. They flung sheep poo at each other.  Told you this was a shit-show.)

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