Feb 04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

Before I get to this week’s episode, here are a few of my thoughts about last week’s goings on.  *crickets*  I kid.

As for Sean and Catherine’s wedding:

  • I’m sure ABC required them to invite “Dancing with the Stars” peeps – otherwise, how else would you explain Lisa Vanderpump and Jiggy, and Andy Dick’s attendance at a major life event?
  • The rest of the episode was classic Bachelor – fish-out-of-water Sean shopping for lingerie at La Perla (and blushing all the way through), wedding planner Mindy Weiss pretending to love the “grown sexy” concept and, when Catherine told her she wanted her wedding to be so sexy people conceive that night, feigning excitement with an, “Oooh, I LOVE that!”
  • There wasn’t a dry eye while Catherine recited her from the heart vows, “I can’t wait to shine together and make everyone completely blind!”
  • Oh, almost forgot, there was a confetti cannon.

Week 4 of the Bachelor Thoughts:

  • I noticed for the first time that Elise is from a town named Forty Fort, Pennsylvania.  Classic.
  • The remaining women traveled to Seoul, South Korea to find out if they were JP’s “Seoul-mates.” The group date was at a mall, where they performed with the Korean Spice Girls in front of the South Korean equivalent of JC Penney’s.
  • Nikki’s negative attitude reared its ugly head.
  • Sharleen and Nikki had matching cheek zits.  Wonder if it’s something in the water?
  • Juan Pablo prefers Cliff Huxtable sweaters.  (Watch for his yellow shirt shout-outs in Episode 5.)
  • JP plays the “I’m a father, I have to think of Camila, who will watch this show” card when he doesn’t want to kiss a woman, but throws that rationale out the window when he’s with one of his frontrunners.
  • Seriously? Who would let a child watch this show?!?!?
  • Elise and Lauren had to take the 12-hour flight home when they were sent packing, rose-less.

Week 5 Recap

Last week, JP said his biggest fear was that his daughter wouldn’t approve of his behavior on the show, so of course that means he’s going to screw that up this week.  And, boy, did he ever.

House Mom Renee got the first one-on-one date in Vietnam, which she expected would be “life changing.”  Nothing like putting a little presh on the sitch.  The girl REALLY wants a kiss.  That’s all she can talk about.  He rents a pedicab and takes Renee around like a child.

They pick out a tailor made dress for her in a hot little shop.  JP bought her a fan because she was profusely sweating, which I can totally relate to.  Renee and I have what my doctor refers to as “very efficient self-cooling systems.”

Then, they picked out gifts for their kids, a dress for Camila, and a hat for Renee’s son, Ben.  (According to Renee, Ben is a “mature 8.” Whatever that means.  Poor Renee thinks she’s found this amazing guy who’s a wonderful father and husband material.  Just wait til after the break.

Is it just me or was the cadence of Juan Pablo’s voice super irritating this week?  Like, more so than other weeks.  Maybe it’s because JP is becoming more and more of a cad. Thank goodness Juan-uary is OVER.  They made wishes on floating lanterns and Renee wished for a kiss, which didn’t come true.  JP said it wasn’t happening because he didn’t want to disrespect her son.  (WTF?)

The next day was the group date, where Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi floated in bamboo boats with partners.  Clare apparently didn’t have any friends in the house so she partnered up with Juan Pablo and they detoured into some bushes to make out, which upset some of the other women.  Then they walked up to someone’s house, picked food from a giant backyard garden, and had dinner with the family.

At the cocktail party, Juan Pablo grabbed Clare and they sneaked off to his suite and jumped in the pool to make out like teenagers.

Sharleen started to pull back from her feelings with Juan Pablo, becoming unsure of her connection.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” Um, what?  He called her cute and they made out by the ocean.  A move he then repeated with Andi.   He wants to know what she’s thinking and girl, there’s not enough time on the date.  All of the girls who are not named Clare questioned their connection with him, and rightfully so.  He gave the date rose to Clare.  Of course.

At this point, I realized that I get super confused with Andi and Alli. I thought they were the same person. Anyone else have this problem?

Later that night, Clare decided she didn’t want the night to end, so she sneaked to JP’s place at 4 a.m. to “swim in the warm ocean.”  Let’s do another first in Vietnam, she says.  Oh, there was a first, all right.  They rode the waves and, apparently, a whole lot more. Clare said it was the best night of her life. She compared herself to a baby giraffe with wobbly legs.

After the commercial break, it’s Nikki’s turn for the one-on-one date.  She’s really starting to be a pain in the ass.  “I always get the rose on the group date,” she said.  Courtney much?

They rappelled down a cave named Hell which was very fitting.  Nikki is (of course) afraid of heights.  I think it’s a prerequisite for every woman who appears on the show to have a major fear of heights.  Right after they check ‘em out for psychological testing, they ask, “Are you afraid of heights? You are?  Perfect!”

For the upteenth time, we hear someone explain that rappelling down the cave is a lot like falling in love – you have no control.  But JP kisses Nikki and she’s somehow able to find the courage to continue on to the dinner waiting a few feet below.  We learn that Nikki “bounced around for awhile,” became a care assistant, and went to nursing school.  She said she likes working with sick kids because they’re innocent and hopeful.  She also said she’s “super compassionate with a huge heart” – funny, that side of her is NEVER on display. Nikki got the rose and says she feels like she stuck her finger in a light socket.  After a two minute talk, he says “this is a potential wife right here.”  Ugh.

The ladies take a Willy Wonka-esque trip down the Lollipop River to the rose ceremony.  It was the most awkward rose ceremony cocktail party EVER.  (And Chris Harrison, for once, didn’t feel compelled to tell us this!)  Clare tried to break the tension by making a toast ,“To finding love, being loved and making love.”  Juan Pablo pulls Clare aside to tell her that their moonlight romp in the ocean was “weird” and he felt bad about it because he’s trying to be fair to the other women.  He also said he didn’t want his daughter to see what happened between them when she watches the show (!)  Of course, Clare is completely embarrassed and starts crying, telling him that it wasn’t her intention to disrespect his daughter, and he’s like, don’t cry because of me while I’m slut shaming you. I’m over it. Don’t worry about it.  She asked him later why he didn’t just say no, and he gave the worst answer possible, “I didn’t want to take away from the emotion you had.”  Um, WHAT? That makes, like, zero sense.  Don’t blame it on the language barrier.  I call bullshit. Also, Clare told the other women that her puffy eyes were because of her wacky allergies.  Riiight.

Juan Pablo sends Alli, Danielle and Kelly (and her adorable pup!) home.  Meanwhile, Clare is mortified, and wants to “crawl back into her little turtle shell” – I think that was part of the problem, the turtle coming out of its shell and all.

Here are a few final thoughts: If Juan Pablo truly cared about making a good impression on his daughter, finding true love and a mother/role model for Camila, why would he go on a TV show created by Heidi Fleiss’ brother?  Where the “overnight suite date card” is offered to the final three women?  And, assuming he doesn’t pull a Brad Womack and not choose anyone, how’s the woman who “wins” supposed to feel (also assuming it’s not Clare, and even if it was, how he handled everything was pretty dreadful).  Ew.  Just, ew.


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