Jan 21

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s week three, so you know what that means.  It’s getting serious you guys!!!!  Before we get into it though, I need to address the crap-fiesta that hit the fan this weekend.  You know, when Juan Pablo made some rather disappointing remarks about why he thinks the “Bachelor” franchise should not have any gay or bisexual bachelors/bachelorettes.  You can read about it here if you missed it.

I think it’s a little disingenuous for Juan Pablo to say that his statements were taken out of context or misconstrued because English is his second language, especially since the word “pervert” translates to “pervertir” in his native tongue. 

Ok, so fifteen women remain.  Chris Harrison arrives to explain how things will go down, since this is only the 27th iteration of the show, after all.  There will be two individual dates and one group date.  Anyone standing at the end without a rose — say adios.

Juan Pablo shows what a super father he is by having a picnic with his parents and daughter and force-feeding her chicken.  Meanwhile, Cassandra is the recipient of the first one-on-one date in Long Beach, where she wore a hideous tomato red jumper.  Cassandra keeps telling everyone that she hasn’t had a first date since she was 18 years old, she’s 21, now, her son’s 2.  So, I’ll let you do the math.  Go ahead, I’ll be here when you finish.

Cassandra has clearly never heard of a duck boat tour before, because her mind was blown by the amphibious boat/car they drove into the water.  She said this was the most fun she’s ever had, which is a little sad for a former NBA cheerleader.  They end up on someone’s yacht for five seconds, jump off, and make out near the amphibi-car.  Later, Juan Pablo and Cassandra make dinner at his place.  To make her less nervous, he dirty dances with her in the living room.  Because nothing calms the nerves like a lil’ bump ‘n grind while dinner’s burning.  They look at pictures of their kids and Cassandra mentions, yet again, she hasn’t felt this way since, you guessed it, three years ago.  Cassandra gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Renee and Elise have a heart to heart about why they’re on the show.  Renee said it’s hard for her to date as a single mom.  Elise said her mom was dying of cancer and her last wish was for her daughter to be on the Bachelor.  Renee is like, “OMG, it’s meant to be!” Um, which part? Elise’s mom dying of cancer? Or being picked to be on a reality show?

The date card arrives for Kelly, Renee, Sharlene, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki and….they’re playing soccer, of course.  JP tells us AGAIN that he used to be a professional futbol player but he gave it all up when his daughter was born.  Isn’t that, like, the opposite of what most professional athletes do?  It’s not like he birthed her.

Alli’s played soccer her whole life so this date is right up her alley. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)   Others weren’t so excited about the activity.  Take Andi, who’s not a fan of balls flying in her face.  Sharleen didn’t have any experience playing soccer, but she tried, and that made Juan Pablo’s heart sing.  The blue team was getting their ass kicked by the red team, so Juan Pablo helped them out and they stopped keeping score and nobody was sent home to wallow in the van while the victors enjoyed a cocktail party.  Because everyone’s a winner.  Oh, and Lucy managed to keep her clothes on.  Win-win for all.

At the cocktail party, Nikki takes JP aside and tells him she has trouble opening up because she doesn’t want to get hurt. (Who does, girl?)  Then Andi the law-abiding attorney and Juan Pablo break into the concession stand to make out in front of the industrial refrigerators, and Andi can’t shut up about how “giddy” she is.

Let’s see…what else? We learn Danielle was adopted. Alli wants a bunch of kids.  And Sharlene kisses like she needs more practice with her pillow at a slumber party.  Sharlene and JP take center field for some one-on-one time, where Sharlene marvels about their chemistry in a monotone voice.  (She’s like the female Ben Stein.)  JP likes that Sharleen’s a classy lady.  She asks him about the word he called her last time – “mondo, was it?” No, mondo means “picked clean” in Spanish.  He actually said “mundo” or “world.”  That’s the magic word, apparently, because Sharleen couldn’t get enough of JP after that.  (Was this what the promos called “the most awkward kiss in Bachelor history?”)  The group date rose went to Nikki and her armpit tattoo.

The last date card was for Chelsie, and Elise was NOT HAVING IT.  Elise keeps telling herself that she has a strong connection with Juan Pablo. Oh, yes…because JP leaves all the girls he has great connections with to hang out at the pool with the rest of the harem while he goes on ridiculous dates.  While Chelsie’s on her date, Elise is on a mission to tell the other women that Chelsie’s, in the words of a Britney Spears song, “a girl, not yet a woman.”  (Elise is 27, while Chelsie’s a “young 24.”)  Worlds apart.

Juan Pablo takes Chelsie the “science educator” to eat Venezuelan food.  Their bellies full, they proceed to head to a bridge to bungee jump.  JP says he wants to make Chelsie feel comfortable, then proceeds to confuse the hell out of her when he says it’s OK if she doesn’t want to do jump, but in the next breath that she should do it for him.  “Look at me, look at me, look at me,” he pleads, like he’s got special hypnotic Venezuelan mind powers.  “I want you to do whatever you want to do.”  The bungee guy apparently wasn’t being paid by the hour because he was ready to GO.  Finally, Chelsie decides to take the leap since she believes JP actually gave her a choice.  (Silly, silly child!)  They jump and make out upside down, which totally scrambles Chelsie’s brain.  Forget about getting a scientific breakdown of what just happened.  Now, she’s talking about how jumping and free-falling is “the epitome of building a relationship” because you can’t have kids with people you don’t trust.  (Sure you can.)

Newly bonded and freshly showered, they have dinner on the steps of Pasadena’s City Hall and discuss their fears.  Juan Pablo says he’s afraid his daughter won’t like him.  Chelsie’s afraid of not being happy.  JP gave her the rose, and Billy Currington serenades them.  That would’ve been awkward if she didn’t get the rose.  JP calls Chelsie “wife material” and a keeper.

Back at the house, Kat and Elise have a chat, and Elise says, “younger girls don’t have experience.” Um, Cassandra just got her license to legally drink and she has a two-year-old child and she’s a 21-year-old mom.  What experience is she referring to? Because Chelsie totes just jumped off a bridge, even though it wasn’t even her decision.  Life experience, bitch!

The day of the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo arrives at the house to make a Venezuelan breakfast for the ladies a/k/a see what they look like without makeup.  The only one awake at that hour is Molly the dog.  Kelly was the first one up because she had to let Molly out.  Kelly saw JP and was mortified, covering her face and running upstairs to put her bra and face on.

Juan Pablo decided to cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead.  Nikki and Andi wore fringe bikinis, which were a little too cowgirl for me, and Elise wore an old lady white mesh cover up.

Kat took full advantage of pool time with JP.  She said she wanted to position herself well and apparently that meant having her crotch in his head for 20 minutes as she sat on his shoulders.  Kelly (and by extension, Molly) were not amused, and called Kat a whore who was trying too hard.  (Kelly’s words, but you could tell Molly was thinking the same thing.)

Sharleen wasn’t impressed either and started questioning whether she belonged there.  She starts crying to Juan Pablo because she’s “too real” for this process.  Then they start making out.  What?  I really hope we get to hear her sing before she leaves.

Clare cried in the bathroom to pledge mom Renee about how she’s feeling neglected by Juan Pablo.  She spends some one-on-one time with JP and when asked about the other women getting dates, says, “It’s not a jealousy issue but I wish it was me.”  That’s pretty much the definition of jealousy, Clare.  Danielle the psychiatric nurse was strangely silent during the meltdowns.

At the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo gave roses to Andi, Renee, Kelly (and Molly), Sharleen (whose dress looked like my Mom’s dog’s chewtoy, though she wore it well), Elise and her tacky red sequined dress, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren and Danielle.  He sent Christy and free spirit Lucy home.

In case you can’t get enough of “The Bachelor,” Sean and Catherine’s wedding is live on Sunday, y’all!  ABC’s calling it “the most romantic event of the year.”  Well, it’s only the third week of January, so that’s not saying much.

And for those who may have missed the “Love Stories” show on Sunday, here’s what you missed.  Trista and Ryan renewed their vows last month, Ryan has finally run out of cheesy poems, and proclaimed that their everyday life is “poetry.”  He also read his original vows for the renewal = LAZY.  Everyone who’s still together (Trista and Ryan, Molly and Jason, Desiree and Chris, and Ashley and JP) are all “happier than they’ve ever been.”  We were also treated to a montage of Sean and Catherine’s relationship, from the moment she proclaimed, “I’m a vegan but I love the beef” to their engagement photos where they frolicked on the beach in giant panda heads, to Catherine’s non-stop references to how she can’t wait to “throw down” in “consummation station” (a/k/a the honeymoon suite).  We get it, you can’t wait to have sex.  And now all of America will know you’re doing it Sunday night at 10/9 Central.  Lovely.

Next week, we get to hear Sharleen randomly sing opera (yay!) and Clare and Nikki start fighting.


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