It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s). (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)
The show is two hours long, and the producers, based on how much of a non-event this season’s been, know there’s not enough material to make it worthwhile, so they fire up the party bus. Yes, Chris Harrison and Des rode a party bus (again) around Los Angeles to crash “Bachelor Nation” fans’ viewing parties in random living rooms. Des says she’s pumped to join her fans as they watch her “fairytale” unfold – natch. The fans, however, don’t seem very surprised to see Chris Harrison and Des on their doorsteps, and the parties featured centerpieces of a dozen roses and plenty o’ wine, cheese and crackers. (My Bachelorette viewing parties consist of me, in sweats, drinking wine and eating popcorn in my slanket, yelling at the TV.) Nope, this wasn’t staged. NOT AT ALL.
Next, the party bus heads to New York, where Ashley and JP, the last “successful” Bachelorette couple, joined the party crashing fun. There was lots of screaming, lots of wine and, apparently, Jason and Molly Mesnick tagged along – with THEIR BABY. Trista just happened to be in the neighborhood, so she swung by, too.
After four parties and countless cheese platters, the producers brought some former bachelorettes to sit around and shoot the shit about bad boys. Yep, Ali and Emily had advice. Emily: “Don’t let them get away with it!” (insert Kalon flashback), Ali: Yeah! (cue Rated R flashback). Des says she’s concerned about seeing Ben and Brian (the guy with the girlfriend), and James not being there for the right reasons. Ashley was mute – there to keep the lemonade fresh, apparently.
The “Men Tell All” portion of the program finally starts, and the guys are freshly showered and spray tanned. No hoodies, no v-necks! I’m so impressed! James and Ben got booed. Mikey T, however, was not. Zak W’s tan had a bit of a greenish hue, which really brought out his Crest White Strips smile.
To his credit, Jonathan, the tool who was sent home the first night for getting smashed and insisting that Des visit the fantasy suite with him, apologized to Des and to the people who had to view his “joke gone wrong.” The recaps featured Kasey continuously calling Desiree “wholesome and pure,” like she was a contestant on “America’s Top Virgin.” Ben’s sore loser behavior was called out, after we saw the “You guys missed out, I’m a single dad from Texas” meltdown. Oh, yes, ladies. We’re the ones missing out.
Brian, the guy with the girlfriend back home, chose not to attend the taping, so it was Rag on Brian Day, not that he didn’t deserve it. (Side note: I thought all the guys/girls had to return, not like it was optional? What’s the deal?)
Then we got to watch Ben use his son (again) to make a good impression on Des – coming out of the limo in matching suits. We got to sit through that horribly awkward 2-on-1 date with Ben and Michael, again. This time, Ben tried to make excuses for his bad behavior, saying how he was the victim, being bashed for eight whole hours. Chris tried to get Ben to see that he was acting like a douche to the guys and was a different person in front of Des. Ben claims he doesn’t see it. *sigh*
In what looked to be a lively portion of the evening, Dan said he (who?) met Ben’s ex (and baby mama) in Vegas who told him some not-so-nice things about Ben, which were conveniently edited out. D’oh!
Next, James was in the hot seat, where he couldn’t seem to stop making his pecs dance. James said he’s a victim of bullying. Seriously? What a jerk. James threw Mikey T under the bus as having said all these things about meeting tall blonde women on Mikey T’s boat in Chicago, he was just the innocent bystander in the van. James wants an apology. (Really? From whom? And for what, exactly?) Mikey T said if things don’t work out with Des, they’ll have a good time in Chicago, life goes on. “If people don’t have a plan B in life..” and Kasey called bullshit, saying are you really going to say on your wedding day, if this doesn’t work out with you, I have a plan B? Mikey T got heated and stood up, so you know he means business/got cornered.
Juan Pablo, the former professional soccer player, said he wouldn’t let his 4-year-old daughter or his sister date James. (Good call, since she’s FOUR.) Then Juan Pablo was introduced as the guy who had the biggest impact with the least amount of screen time in Bachelorette history. We saw flashbacks of him having Skyped with his kid while in the house, and vaginas everywhere swooned. There was a group of girls wearing “I love Juan Pablo” t-shirts in various languages. JP for President! Juan Pablo says he wants someone to go to sleep with, have breakfast with, and watch movies. OMG, so do I! Call me, Juan Pablo!
Next, Zak was in the hot seat (rather, the love seat) where we watched him yodel and model naked. Chris Harrison asked about his “love affair with Des” – um, not sure I’d call it a love affair. She Lloyd Dobler’d him – “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.” Zak admitted he came on a little strong. Chris Harrison asked about Zak’s “dark place,” and Zak said he spends half the year with a bunch of dudes on an oil rig.
One burning question was answered: Had Desiree kept the secret journal from Zak? (Clearly she hadn’t, because Chris Harrison had it.) Chris Harrison then humiliated Zak by reading the poem he’d written in invisible ink (spoiler alert: it didn’t rhyme). Chris Harrison continued to ask Zak what went wrong, and if he still loved Des. Zak says he’s still in love with her.
Then it was finally time for Des to confront the men. She came out in a Tina Turner glittery number. Des accepted Jonathan’s apology for being a douche and getting her journey off on the wrong foot. She told Ben she thought he was insincere and called him out on his arrogance in the limo. In regard to James, she told him that, “You don’t think of your second wife while you’re with your first.” She said in retrospect, he manipulated her. The whole show, he kept changing his story. Totally annoying.
What we’ve learned:
- Des still can’t pronounce Juan Pablo’s name.
- She should’ve given Juan Pablo a 1-on-1 date.
- I think Juan Pablo is adorable. (So, not much.)
With Zak W, Des told him they both hide behind their smiles. Zak said he wrote a song about his feelings and he wanted to share it with Des and all of America. (Hello, Wes? “‘Cuz love, well, it don’t come easy.”) “It hurts the most to say goodbye. When all you know is just one side. And watch you leave with other guys…” You get the idea. Grown women in the audience were crying. It was a little much. (Way to not come on too strong there, Zak!)
Finally, it’s time for everyone’s favorite part, the bloopers, which featured Des falling on her ass while rollerblading on the beach, Juan Pablo’s inability to pronounce the world “yodeler,” and Des visit to a Port-a-Potty (gross!).
Next week is the two-part finale that Chris Harrison promises will be the “most emotionally intense finale in the show’s history… due to circumstances nobody could’ve anticipated, not even in  26 seasons.” From the sneak peek, it looks like there will be lots of crying into fists, crying in huts, etc. Also, Des says, “Honestly, for me, it’s over.” What’s over, Des? Breakfast? Are you upset because they’re not serving breakfast since it’s after 11? WHAT’S OVER?!?!?!?