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Jul 01

The Bachelorette: Did You Know Caves in Spain Come Furnished with Leather Couches? Me Neither.

If watching 20+ seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me anything, it’s that if you act halfway normal, you have a decent shot at making it to the finals.   Don’t be a crybaby, resist the urge to be a tattle-tale, steer clear of the douchey-ness and mind your own beeswax and you should be OK.  That being said, in Barcelona this week, the caca hit the fan-o.

The episode started with Des, sketchpad in hand, declaring that Barcelona is “so inspiring” and “the perfect place to fall in love.”  (Kinda like Munich. And Thailand. And the Seychelles.  And Paris. And Canada. And New Jersey, the list goes on and on.)  Meanwhile, the hoodie brigade (seriously, between hoodies and v-neck short sleeve tees, that’s all they packed) enjoyed Cervezas at a tapas bar when Chris Harrison arrived with the date cards.  There will be a group date and two 1-on-1 dates.  At some point, the guys pinky swear that whomever gets the first 1-on-1 has to tell Des that James is campaigning HARD to be the next Bachelor.  Drew’s the lucky winner, and he starts the date with zero intentions of telling her.

Drew and Des (the Double D’s!) walk down the streets of Barcelona where they enjoy the “guitar-istas” (his word, not mine) and come across another silly Bachelorette tradition – if you drink water from a street spigot, that means you’ll return to Spain!  Or get the runs.  I forget.  It’s one of the two.  They stop off for a drink so Drew can confide in Des that his father’s his hero – a recovering alcoholic with cancer (cue the violins) which, apparently, was a secret back home until tonight.  (Not even people at work know!)  Um, so you do realize this is on TV, right? And some people (against their better judgment) watch the show, right?  During dinner, Drew is so overcome with emotion for Des that he grabs her and drags her down an alley to make out against a brick wall.  If a guy grabbed me and dragged me down a dark alley in Barcelona, he’d get a swift kick to the balls.  Des apparently was swept away by his “romantic” (rapey?) gesture, and so Abercrombie model Drew gets the rose.  With the rose firmly attached to his lapel, he finally gets around to the fact that he and Kasey overheard James tell Mikey T that if he made it into the top four, he’d have a lot of momentum to be the next bachelor and it would be life-changing.  Sweet dreams!

The next day, the guys (Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James and Juan Pablo) go on a group date where it was boys against girls (a/k/a a women’s pro soccer team.) Desiree says she wants to give James the benefit of the doubt because things can be taken out of context.  (Really? And what context would that be, exactly?)  The guys start the date making a bunch of sexist comments before they got their asses handed to them 10-2.  Frankly, it was Juan Pablo’s rose to lose since he’s a pro soccer player – one would think.  But no roses are awarded and Juan Pablo says he’s missing out on time with his daughter (wait, WHAT? Way to wait until week 6 to mention that you have a kid.)

Here are some “highlights” from the group date:

  • Michael (who loved his sweatband so much he wore it AGAIN) calls James “evil and sinister” and says he’ll “hope and pray to God that Desiree sees through him.”  He’s so dramatic.
  • At the after-party, Des wrote a cheesy poem to Chris, which she read to him and he ate it up with a spoon.   Here are some of the words that she rhymed: Late, date, fate; Bliss, kiss, barf (the last one was my addition).  Chris used words like “beautiful” and “love” when referring to her second grade prose.
  • Michael’s outfit choices are confounding. He’s paired a plaid button-down with a blazer and a pocket square. Really?

Meanwhile, Kasey in his button-down vest and Michael talked about how no-neck James needs to man up and confess about what he and Mikey were talking about in the van (becoming the next Bachelor, meeting rich ladies on Mikey’s rockin’ boat in Chicago, etc.).  James denies starting the conversation, and then says he never said it, then changed the subject.  Michael said it sounded like he was auditioning for the “Jersey Shore,” which probably was the funniest thing Michael’s said, ever.  James insists that he didn’t say anything wrong.  “If the worst comes to worst, and you make the final four, you could possibly be the Bachelor. It’s called guy talk,” James said.  No, it’s called being a dick. Funny, I thought the guys who were picked for the Bachelor didn’t actually become douche-y until AFTER they moved into a mansion and had 25 women fawning over them since THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

Kasey continues to confront James about his plan to become the next Bachelor and James shows he sucks at making strong, cogent arguments.  Kasey’s not much better at the whole talking thing, what with making up words like “counter-accusate.”

Des sent the guys home rose-less so she could talk to James alone.  She confronts James and James throws Mikey T under the bus and says Mikey T was “self-medicating himself” (huh? With words?) because he didn’t have the connection James has with Des.  James says the guys are “just jealous” (of the fact that he has to swivel his entire body because he can’t turn his head?) and they were ganging up on him.   James is getting a headache (I was too, at this point.).  He started tearing up, because a guy crying makes everyone uncomfortable, and he’s probably watching his dreams of being the next Bachelor evaporate.  Seriously, his little speech would’ve been more convincing if he’d not been looking at the camera while “talking” to her.

The last 1-on-1 date went to drilling fluid engineer Zak.  Des was ready to pick up a sketchpad and clear her head.  They went to a private art class where a guy posed fully-clothed which wasn’t much fun.  Then they decided to draw each other.

(Not sure whether the color on my TV is off, but Zak is looking more and more like an oompa loompa with each passing week.)  Zak’s sketch of Des looked like she was a drag queen.  They had some laughs, and then a male model came in naked and started posing all serious-like, a la Madonna’s “Vogue.”  So, that was awkward.  Zak stripped down to his undies and modeled for Des and then they went to dinner and drank wine in a cave (with a leather couch!) because that’s what you do in Spain.

Zak says he wants a marriage like his parents have.  He called his mom a “bundle of joy,” which may have more to do with why he’s still single than the fact that he’s a travelin’ man.

Then he said something completely scary that would make a normal woman on a second date run for the hills.  “At this point in my life you kind of mean everything to me,” he said.  Um, WHAT. THE. F*CK.  ?!?!? She wasn’t freaked out by that – quite the opposite, in fact, and they made out in the cave.  If meeting a girl on a reality TV show and competing for her love against 24 other dudes is the best thing you’ve got going, it’s time to reevaluate.

Meanwhile, James confronts Drew about what was overheard in the van because they’re 5th grade girls and just CANNOT LET IT GO. Interestingly, James doesn’t dispute that he said he’d try to position himself to get to the top 4 to be the next Bachelor.  Somehow, he thinks that what he said was completely fine and, at worst, he’ll be the next Bachelor.  Personally, I think having a neck is a requirement to be the next Bachelor (and a spine, and a brain, and a heart, and a sac…) but that may just be me reading the fine print.

On the day of the rose ceremony, Des arrived and took James outside to talk/send his ass home.  At least, that’s what she should’ve done.  Des asked James how he felt today and he said, “I’m here to fall in love with you” with the same intonation as my waiter at Olive Garden said he’d be taking care of me this evening and asked if I’d like more bread.  (Yes, and keep it coming.)  “I feel more alive than I did before,” he said in his robot voice.  And, somehow, Desiree bought it. Again.

At the rose ceremony (no cocktail party, two weeks in a row! It’s Bachelor history!), Desiree gave roses to Chris, Brooks and Michael, who joined Drew and Zak to round out the final five.  FINALLY, James went home.

Next up, the gang travels to Portugal – yet another perfect place to fall in love.  There’ll be horseback riding on the beach, fireworks, boat rides, picnics, confessions of love, the Double D’s crying, and…more crying.  Lots of crying.

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