I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree. (His words, not mine.) Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.) It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.
It’s time for the date, and Zak was thrilled to see Desiree arrive at the house in her play clothes (read: jeans and a sleeveless top). The guys gathered to look at the baby blue Bentley, and a bashful Brooks urged her to get out of there – fast.
Brooks told Des he was “stoked” to be on the date, and didn’t bat an eye when Des dragged him into a bridal studio to try on wedding gear. Because if I did that, like, ever, let alone on a first date, it would not go nearly as smoothly. After taking a bunch of photos, they run out of the shop in their wedding clothes (without paying!) and pull over for “wedding” cupcakes from a food truck, where they were greeted by a throng of Bachelor fans who just happened to be standing in a non-commerical area where a cupcake truck was parked. Next, Desiree drove the two of them straight up to the Hollywood sign. Like that’s something you’re actually allowed to do. Des explains that they have exclusive access to the Hollywood sign since it’s the 90th anniversary, which totally doesn’t explain why they got to sit on the Hollywood sign. (Answer: “Because it’s a fairy tale!”) Like a gentleman, Brooks offers a shivering Des his rented tux coat as they watch the sun go down.
During the commercial break, Brooks and Des apparently returned their wedding gear, and Brooks traded his tuxedo in for a hoodie and a hideous plaid shirt. They have dinner on a bridge with the street closed down because, why not inconvenience thousands of people when there’s a chance for televised love? During dinner, they talk about their childhoods. Des tells us (again) that her parents have been together for 40 years and (again) that she didn’t have a lot growing up but it’s OK because there was love. After Des did some prodding, Brooks opened up about his parents’ divorce and his estrangement from his father. Major props to Brooks for opening up and being vulnerable in front of millions of people! He said he learned “not to take things for granted” and “there’s a lot to be grateful for.” Pretty impressive insight for a 28-year-old guy. Sounds too well-adjusted for a show like this.
Des thanked Brooks for his candor, and pulled a “but wait, there’s more!” on their date. The night was capped off with a private concert by Andy Grammer where they danced to a song called “I Choose You.” Desiree’s socks are blown off, and she asked, “Can it get any better than this?” No, Desiree. No, it can’t.
Because the next day, it was time for the group date. We’re told that it’s taking place at a Malibu winery. Sounds dreamy, right? WRONG. They’re making a rap video with Soulja Boy!
“Love’s like hip hop – you gotta go with the flow!” – actual Soulja Boy quote
The song they “recorded” was called “Right Reasons.” It was a hot mess. There was lots of shimmying, and a dance move called “flippin’ the burger.” I shit you not.
Brandon, Michael G, Ben and James were picked to parody some of the cheesiest Bachelorette contestants, clearly a jab at Wes, Rated R, Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart,” and Daddy Doug/Jason Mesnick.
“I hope they’re here for all the right reasons,” Des says. Which, clearly means at least one of them isn’t. (And according to the promos for next week, at least one of them has a girlfriend.)
The entire video is available here for your viewing pleasure.
To save you some time, here are the highlights:
- Soulja Boy (to Des): “Maybe you should do some contemplatin’!”
- Des: “I’m looking for a husband not abs and a cheesy!”
- Des (again, she gets the best lyrics): “I’m here for love, not here for the drama. If you mess with me, you’re goin’ home to your mama!”
Later that evening, Zak presented her with an old journal that he’d found while antiquing. Aw, what a sweet gesture. Until he opens it and reads a rather disturbing inscription from a father to his daughter, signed “Love always, Daddy.” So, that’s creepy. To her credit, Des seemed genuinely touched.
Plumber Mikey T is a grandma’s boy. And that’s all we know about him because Ben swooped in to interrupt the convo. This pissed Mikey T off and there was a confrontation in which Mikey T accused Ben of being “fake.” Clearly he’s planning to create an embarrassing plumbing moment for Ben back at the house.
The other guys aren’t big Ben fans, either. James says his intuition tells him Ben “isn’t there for the right reasons.” (Wait, guys have intuition?) Michael G is the self-appointed “right reasons” decider. He says he has his mom, sister, and nana’s backs, and he’ll have Des’, as he wants to make sure all the guys are there for the “right reasons.”
Meanwhile, Brandon does his best Don Johnson impression in his Miami Vice outfit. “I was born and I have a dad and mom like you did,” is how he started his big speech to Des. Then he went back to his “mama was a drug addict, daddy was a deadbeat” story he regaled us with last week. He ended his speech to Des just as strongly as a he started: “I want to come home to you.” Major credit to Des for not running away at this point.
Desiree gave the “right reasons” rose to Ben. (Does anyone else think he looks like Baby New Year?) Then the guys awkwardly broke out into a (spontaneous?) rap of the song “Right Reasons” as we go to break.
The last one-on-one date was a road trip with Bryden, who’s still rockin’ Jim Carrey’s hair from “Dumb & Dumber.” They stopped at a gas station for snacks and drove to Matador Beach where they tried (and failed) to fly a kite. Next, they went orange picking and had a picnic, where Dumb & Dumber was introduced to Brie. (Who’s she?) Then, they stopped for dinner in Ojai at a spa. He told her about a car accident he was in during college, and he just happened to have 3×5 glossies of the aftermath in his jacket, which he whipped out to show Desiree at dinner. Nothing like having photos on hand to illustrate your stories, is what I always say! Des gave him a rose and they took a dip in the pool.
At the cocktail party, the three B’s are safe: Brooks, Ben and Jim Carrey…I mean, Bryden. Michael has been antsy and it turns out he’s ready to confess to Des his big secret – he has type 1 diabetes. But before he had a chance to show her his blood glucose meter, Ben swooped in yet again to steal Des away. But he already has a rose! They guys complained. It’s not fair!!!!! Mikey, the playground protector, confronts Ben and asked “Why’d you do that to the kid?” Michael tells Ben he’s rubbing the guys the wrong way. They had this big confrontation and it was a little fratty. Michael says Ben chose to mess with the wrong guy, which really makes me wonder. What’s he going to do? Leave the toilet seat down?
Banker Brian picks up Des and carries her to the pool. I’m pretty sure most ladies don’t really want to be picked up and carried around like a sack of potatoes, but Des plays along. Brian said his last relationship ended a few months before and, when pressed more by Des, said they both knew that it wasn’t the right relationship and it had been over long ago. His forehead was very shiny while he was telling her this story.
At the rose ceremony, Will was in the friend zone so he was sent packing, as were Robert (“sign spinner”) and Nick M. (who? Was he on the show?)
Next week: More Cinderella comparisons, the guys continue to hate Ben and his wife beater, an ambulance is called, and a guy’s girlfriend shows up, so apparently he wasn’t there for the “right reasons” after all.