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Mar
11

The Bachelor Finale: Sean Breaks Two Hearts – Lindsay’s and His Mother’s

Photo courtesy of ABC

On the season finale of the Bachelor, Sean makes everyone cry: Catherine, Lindsay, himself… even his mother.

The three hour “Bachelor Finale Event” kicked off with a live studio audience and Chris Harrison, breathlessly reporting “late breaking” news about Sean’s quest for love.  Really, ABC?   How can it be breaking if it wrapped several months ago?

Sean arrives in Thailand with his lady loves and his family, who provide absolutely no assistance whatsoever in helping him choose his final lady.  Honestly, I have no idea why they shipped the two kids to Thailand on what had to be a ridiculously long flight.  The best line of the night, however, goes to Sean’s nephew (a/k/a the kid with the super fancy playhouse), who reminded Sean, “Emily didn’t pick you!”  Hilarious.

First up to meet the parents was Catherine.  The family that wears v-necks together, stays together.  Thankfully (for Catherine), they kept their pranks to themselves.  We learn that Catherine played football in sixth grade.  Sean’s dad is super sweet to Catherine, telling her if Sean picks her, he’ll be her biggest fan.  *cue the tears*

Next up was Lindsay, who was asked way more questions by Sean’s dad than Catherine was asked.  Lindsay held her own, and even asked Sean’s dad for Sean’s hand in marriage.  Sean’s dad said he and his wife had prayed every day for Sean’s wife ever since Sean was born, so basically 3-5 years before either woman was alive.  That’s …sweet?  *cue more tears*

Sean’s mom had some serious reservations about her son getting engaged so quickly, and on national television to boot.  She started crying, Sean got uncomfortable, and they took a walk before saying goodbye and sending them back to the U.S.  Way to snag a free trip to Thailand without doing any work. Some help they were!  Though, in all fairness, they probably replenished Sean’s stockpile of v-neck tees (which reached five this episode: purple, salmon, purple (again), black and heather gray). You’re welcome.

For the final dates, Sean pulled out all the stops and wore a teal tank top and red shorts to take Lindsay on a raft ride down a polluted river.  They imagined growing old together, and Sean said he could see her as a “hot old chick.”  What a sweet-talker!  Later that evening, they launched wish lanterns over the river with the words “love, happiness and family” scrawled on them, to add to the river’s ambiance.  Sean was really digging it, and said, “At this moment, I think she’s the one for me.”  And then that moment passed and he picked Catherine.  For reals.  I knew it was going to happen the minute I saw the date he’d set up for Catherine, where the two of them rode an elephant to a tree house with 360 degree views of Thailand.  Her date was WAY cooler.

Sean said he was searching for a sign with Catherine.  Well, I think he found it when they arrived for their date in plum tees.  Then, at dinner, they both wore black tops. Done and done!  Nerd love!

Catherine, who has a hard time “letting her guard down,” finally pulled a Lloyd Dobler and told Sean at the end of the date that she loved him.  She told him she loved him, and he said “Thank you for today.” THAT SUCKS. At least he didn’t give her a pen. (Two points for those who caught the “Say Anything” reference.)

The next morning, Sean awoke with clarity.  He knew to whom he wanted to propose, and his meeting with Neil Lane was easy breezy.  But reality hit hard when Lindsay stepped out of the limo first with her foot tats on full display.  Sean said he didn’t “plan on this.”  Didn’t plan on what?   Breaking up with someone who says she’s fallen in love with you?  It’s season 17, Sean.  Get with the program.  Lindsay was very confident that she was going to be his wife, and was totally blindsided when Sean gave her the big “B” – BUT in his speech.  At that point, she took her heels off (go girl!)  because he didn’t deserve to see her taller.  If it was me, I would’ve started unzipping my dress and changing into my sweatpants with the pizza guy on speed dial.

Then, it was Catherine’s turn.  Chris Harrison arrived on the scene, looking very grave, giving Sean THE LETTER.  It was the much-publicized, overly hyped letter, teased for weeks by Bachelor producers.  Who sent it?  Was it AshLee’s last-ditch effort to show how much “fun” she can be?  L.L. Bean offering him a sweet spokesman gig?  Sean’s mom begging him to stay single?  Nope, it was a love letter from Catherine.  Sean got teary-eyed reading it, and told her he didn’t want to say goodbye to her anymore.  *cue the tears* He gave her a massive Neil Lane sparkler, and they rode off on an elephant into the sunset.  Get ready to fold v-necks for the rest of your life, Catherine!

Next, it was on to the live “After the Final Rose” special.  Nothing terribly noteworthy here, other than Catherine saying it was obvious they were meant to be together when she got a glimpse of him in old age in Canada, with his white hair and eyebrows.  I suppose…

And that “late breaking news” from Sean?  They’re going to have their wedding televised on ABC.  Big shocker there.  You mean to tell me they want  a million dollar wedding featuring matching wedding bands courtesy of Neil Lane, wedding planning services by Mindy Weiss and flowers from Mark’s Garden?  I’d be more surprised if they were the first couple in Bachelor/Bachelorette history to forego the public nuptials.

Oh, and the next Bachelorette was announced.  It’s Desiree.  Hope her brother’s ready for his close-up.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back recapping “Dancing with the Stars” next week…

1 comment

  1. Denise says:

    Hilarious Lindsay. I watched it and couldn’t beleive it was 3 hours. You did a great job with your recap!

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