Mar 04

Bachelor: The Women Tell All (Except for What They’re Contractually Obligated Not to Discuss.)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Well, Bachelor fans, it’s that time. The week before the final episode, where all our burning questions are (not) answered.  Here’s what I want to know: what is a “born again virgin?” and where’s this Mystery Man to whom Tierra’s engaged (and how can we warn him)?  If he has eyes and a television that made the digital transition in 2009, then he should know what he’s getting into.


Here are a few of my observations from the show:

  • There were no new shirtless shots of Sean. (Say that three times fast)
  • Sean and Chris Harrison took their buddy movie on the road in something called a “Bachelor Party Van” to crash a bunch of high schoolers’ and one sorority house’s viewing parties.   For each event, Sean had a rose.  (Whom did he give it to?)  Chris Harrison threatened that they’ll be crashing “Bachelorette” viewing parties so be afraid, America. Be very afraid.
  • Bachelor producers dropped all the last initials for the women, though Chris Harrison still referred to AshLee as “AshLee F.” As in, ”AshLee gets an F in the fun department.“
  • Lesley (sans the M) called the show like she saw it, calling AshLee a control freak.  She also called bullshit on Tierra needing an “air tube” up her nose during one of her medical episodes.
  • Community Organizer Brooke (who was shown the door the first night) tried to generate some controversy (read: get some air time) by siding with Tierra and suggesting the other ladies were just jealous that Tierra took advantage of extra “Sean Time” by stirring up drama in the house.  Way to “organize” your community, Brooke.
  • We already knew Sean can’t drive stick shift from the bloopers on his date with Selma.  Tonight we learned he also can’t ride a bike, and took a handlebar to the balls.  So glad I DVR’d the show – I’ve watched it 17 times already.  It never gets old.
  • Sean is unable to open a bottle of wine or champagne.

Tierra insists her sparkle is intact:

My favorite part of the show was when the director had to give Tierra explicit directions (on a map!) for how to enter the stage, probably because their insurance policy requires it now.  Tierra is still hopelessly disconnected to reality, making such statements as, “I light up in a room. When I walk into a room I bring this joy and smile, and I’m happy.”  You know what else she does? Seriously overestimate her impact on people.

She also said that she never bashed anyone on the show, and Chris Harrison didn’t call her out on it., which was pretty surprising.  The back and forth between Tierra and the ladies went on for a good 30 minutes.  Robyn called her delusional.  “I didn’t come here to make friends.” “Everyone was mean to me.” “Because you didn’t say good morning.” Gah!  AshLee was ready to go all Texas hoodrat on her ass. (Emily anyone? What’s she doing these days? Not “Dancing with the Stars.” Oh, snap!)

When asked if she had any regrets, Tierra said no, she couldn’t think of any off the top of her head.  When asked if she could work on her flaws, she pointed to her head and said, “Already have.  Spackled my dent.  Soooo ahead of you!” (Not really., but her dent was mysteriously absent.)  Tierra was unable to take any responsibility for herself while on the show, yet somehow was able to work in the fact that she was “Little Miss Nevada” as a child. Unbelievable.  The only sparkle I saw was on her ring finger.  Tierra was super cagey when asked about her fiancée and when she got engaged.  I’d really like Us Weekly to get to the bottom of this by the end of the week.  Please and thank you.  After the segment, Tierra was taken into protective custody and removed from the set for the remainder of the show.

One-armed Sarah is sweet and deserves to be happy:

Sarah teared up while watching the painful dumping (again) by Sean.  She said that she learned to be “open and vulnerable” by participating on the show.  She did give the hard sell for America’s Choice to be the next Bachelorette.  High schoolers across America are already campaigning, “Sarah 4 Bachelorette 2013!”

Desiree has moved on:

Desiree said she was going into the experience with “blind eyes” because she didn’t know what to expect going on the show.  Um, blinders, perhaps?  Looks like someone left their “Popular Cliches” booklet at home.

She admitted to Chris Harrison that her hometown date was the worst in Bachelor history, and she was probably right.  Des was the right amount of reflective and earnest – Anne Hathaway, are you paying attention?????

Des also said that in future relationships, she wouldn’t let her thoughts get in the way, and that she’s open to finding love.   Personally, I don’t think the breakup was all her brother’s fault. While still a douche, he’s not totally to blame.  If it’s true love, someone’s family member acting like an ass hat wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, you know?

AshLee clearly hasn’t and has a LOT to say about it:

While watching the “The Way They Were” montage AshLee was smiling so hard core, it was obvious she still has feelings for Sean.  Chris Harrison asked her about her leaving the show without saying a word.

Chris Harrison: “Were you just pissed?”

AshLee F.: “No, I wasn’t pissed.”

Chris Harrison: “You looked pissed.”

Clearly, the girl was pissed.  And wouldn’t you be, if someone told you things like you’re going to be BFFs with his sister? That’s where it should have stopped.  But it didn’t.  AshLee wanted answers, and she called Sean a frat boy.  She also told him that he should have run after her when he sent her home, and that, as a gentleman, he was obligated to do so.  By the way she looked at him at the elimination (leave me alone, you evil, evil mah-un!), it was pretty clear she wanted him to shrivel up and die. I’m sure whatever he did or didn’t do, she’d be upset about, it so it’s really a lose-lose situation for Sean.

Sean left his v-neck tees at home and opted for a suit:

Sean came onstage, saying he’ d been looking forward to speaking with AshLee.  Right. Like a fat kid looks forward to a root canal. He said AshLee was the frontrunner from Day One, but he wanted a home filled with laughter and he wasn’t having the laughs with AshLee.  (Upon reflection, it’s totally true. When not marveling how she overcame her abandonment issues and talking about what an amazing mah-un he was, we didn’t really see AshLee having any fun.  It was all, here’s the kind of ring I like and my size. We’re getting married on Saturday, wear your white v-neck and jazzy swim trunks. And don’t be late.

No, AshLee could not let it go.  She told Chris Harrison that Sean told her he didn’t have feelings for the other women.  Then she backtracked, and quoted Sean as saying that there was nothing between Sean and the other women.  Sean said he never said such a thing.  During the break, AshLee continued to insist he said all kinds of things in the fantasy suite that he denied.  What happens in the fantasy suite, stays in the fantasy suite.

Next week is the finale: Who will Sean pick? How many pranks will his family play on the unsuspecting women? And who gave Sean the letter that made him all misty-eyed? (I’m betting it’s one of the two ladies and not some big drama moment like ABC’s been teasing.)

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