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Feb
11

Bachelor Week 6: I Get It, Tierra – I Can’t Control My Eyebrows, Either.

 

Photo courtesy of ABC

Sean broke the rules (again) and traveled with the ladies to St. Croix, Virgin Islands.  The girls explored their accommodations just like they always do, “omg!” “Look at the view!” “It smells so new!” Wait, what?  Never before in Bachelor history have the words “it smells so new” been uttered in a hotel room, ever.

The first one-on-one went to AshLee.  Tierra couldn’t hide her jealousy, and called her a cougar, but AshLee let this one roll right off her back. She was on a date with her dream man/future husband!

Sean and AshLee strip down to their swimsuits, and AshLee (of course) talks again about how vulnerable she is. (Way to edit to the crotch shot, ABC!)

“I just know how well we could fit into each other’s lives,” AshLee sighs, and she should know. She’s a professional organizer, after all.  Girl gets paid to make things fit!

During their date, Sean asks about the drama in the house and AshLee lets it all out, calling Tierra “Pouty Pants.” Sean nods solemnly, like the words “Pouty Pants” are part of the Dallas vernacular.  Then they proceed to make out on the beach and in the water, a la “From Here to Eternity.”  As they sit at dinner, Sean asks if there’s anything else he should know. AshLee gets very uncomfortable and then reveals her DEEP. DARK. SECRET. Are you ready for it? Because she REALLY dragged it out. Like, to the point that I thought she was going to say she was a man until 2006. Nope, nothing that scandalous. She got married when she was a 17-year-old junior and was divorced by the senior prom. Um… ok? I don’t see what the big deal was. It’s not like she’s still married or has a third nipple. No extra explanation necessary.

AshLee is so relieved that Sean accepted her secret, that she screams her feelings for Sean into the ocean. (What’s up with ladies this season emoting from mountaintops and oceans? The people who stay at the nice hotel are paying a lot of money to get a good night’s sleep and probably don’t want to hear “I LOVE SEAN!” multiple times in a taping. I hope they at least got free Wifi or fruit cocktail sent to their rooms.)

AshLee is starting to get a little too serious, y’all: “I love this man and I’ll never stop telling him that.”  Well, yeah, you probably will, sister. When he sends your ass home in a few weeks. (I mean, come on. She’s sweet, but they won’t wind up together.)

The second one-on-one date went to Tierra the Tierrable.  She was excited she got the date for all of five seconds. When she discovered she wasn’t getting a “water date” and instead would be exploring the downtown area with him, she started bitching about the bugs and the heat melting her makeup.  Sean bought her an eternity bracelet (what does it mean, when her ass gets sent home the next day? Is nothing sacred?!?!) and an ugly shell necklace and she pretends to be as sweet as pie.  Sean asks Tierra what the deal was with all the drama at the house and Tierra straight up says with a straight face that she’s really tried to get involved with all the other girls but they ignore her, so she spends time on her cot in the other room. (She just described the plot points of “Cinderella.”) Sean asks if she would act differently with the other women if she had a chance and she said no, that they wouldn’t be around for much longer. Then she slips up and said she was behind in “the game.” I think she takes the cake as the least self-aware contestant in Bachelor history.  At dinner, Tierra tells Sean she’s falling in love with him, and hopefully he’ll come visit her in the hospital the next time she inevitably falls down the stairs (not really).

The next day was the group date, which will go down as the most laid-back, drama-free date in Bachelor history. Sean wakes Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay up at 4:42 a.m.  by taking Polaroids of them (without makeup!) to watch the sunrise. Then they spend the day petting a horse, drinking at a café and checking out a treehouse. Sean talks to Lindsay during their one-on-one time and reflects about their first kiss and how that was when he “discovered her depth.” Yep, she’s about as deep as a kiddie pool.

During Catherine’s one-on-one time, she confides that if Sean comes to meet her family, her father won’t be there because he lives in China and has been battling depression, and attempted suicide in front of her and her siblings when she was 14.

Perhaps sensing Catherine’s closeness with Sean, Desiree brought out the waterworks, telling Sean that she really wanted him to meet her family because “family is everything to me.” She said she wants to be like her parents – simple and happy. She basically compared their love to Forrest Gump. I’m sure they loved that.  Lindsay got the rose and the group waited for the sunset until almost dark before realizing they missed it – dang clouds!

Lesley had the final one-on-one. Although they had chemistry from the beginning, things have been slower with Lesley (BUT THEY SET A WORLD RECORD FOR KISSING!). Lesley confides to the camera that she’s falling in love with Sean and wants to tell him but can’t find the right time, which is the KISS OF DEATH. They go fruit picking and stop to have a picnic where neither one eats anything. She starts talking about how she wants to have crazy passion in a relationship, but then flakes out and suggests they pick more fruit because, c’mon, did you SEE those avocados? Lesley loves how Sean smizes (for those who don’t watch “America’s Next Top Model,” smize = smiling with your eyes. Google it. Tyra’s fierce!)

The next day, Sean’s sister Shay arrives to help him sort out his feelings. The one piece of advice she gave him before the show was, “Don’t wind up with the girl nobody likes.” (Ta-ta Tierra!) As Sean is having some nice family time with his sister, Tierra tries to confront AshLee about what she told Sean.  AshLee said Tierra’s character is “rude” and Tierra, of course, denies that she is. Then she told AshLee everyone in the house was talking about her, which wasn’t true. AshLee said every time the other women tried to include her, Tierra would ignore them, or make a face, or stare blankly. Tierra, incredulous, says the best five words of the night: “I can’t control my eyebrow!” Tierra then starts telling everyone that girls are just jealous! Men love her! No one is going to take away her Sparkle. NO ONE.  (“This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine!”)

Meanwhile, Sean decides now would be the perfect time to introduce Shay to Tierra. He comes to the house to find … Tierra “crying” hysterically on her cot. No tears came out of her eyes. Sean FINALLY grew a sack and sent Tierra packing after her latest snit fit. He told her he cared too much for her to see her going through these hard times and perhaps it was best if she leave. He escorted her to the blue minivan and said goodbye. She said something snooty and resumed the fake crying/eye wiping, etc. “I can’t believe they DID this to ME!” she wailed.  (Did anyone else hear “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” music in their heads? Or was it just me?)

At the cocktail party – Sean announced there was not going to be a cocktail party. He sent Lesley home.  After the rose ceremony, AshLee starts spouting crazy-talk, like “this rose tells me I can trust.” “This is my husband.” “Love does conquer all.” Puh-leeze. We know next week you’re going to be fighting through your vulnerability.  It’s like “Groundhog Day” all over again.

Hometown dates are next week, and Sean will be meeting Lindsay’s, Desiree’s, Catherine’s and AshLee’s families.  Here’s what we have to look forward to: AshLee and Sean walking through a meadow with a small dog in a Summer’s Eve commercial and Desiree’s brother picks a fight with Sean. Riveting times!

The 30 seconds at the end is fast becoming my favorite part of the show. Sean showed Lesley a picture of him participating in his family’s annual tradition “Jammy Cocoa Christmas” – where the entire family dons Forever Lazy adult pj’s, they drink cocoa, look at Christmas lights…and, oh, he sucks his thumb. (Yep, that’s the man they’re all fighting over.)

 

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