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Feb
04

Bachelor Week 5: Things Are Getting Rocky in the Rockies

 

Photo courtesy of ABC

Pack your bags, the group is going on a world-wide journey to find love and it starts in…Montana?!?  Really?  Yep.  The date cards come and there are three dates: one group date, a 1-on-1 and a 2-on 1, all featuring Sean the self-proclaimed “outdoorsy guy.”  Be sure to check yourself for ticks.

Tierra says she should get the 1-on-1 because “she deserves it.”  What she “deserves” is a good ass-kicking.  So irritating.  Tough luck, Tierra, cuz substitute teacher Lindsay got it instead.  Sean packed an extra flannel and Henley and they rode in a “badass” helicopter to tour Glacier National Park.

Sean wants to find out if she could be his wife on their date because of course these real life conversations are had on a “date of a lifetime” with television cameras along to capture every moment.

After the tour they had a picnic on an Indian reservation (how was that allowed?) and cozied up under a dead deer head on a bearskin rug.  During their cuddle-time, Lindsay used the word adolescence twice in the same sentence. (Another Bachelor record!) Lindsay scored the rose because their personalities are “gelling together.” (Anyone else thinking Dr. Scholl’s?)  But wait, there’s one more surprise.  Sean and Lindsay slow-dance awkwardly on stage in the middle of the Whitefish town square while a crowd of people pretend to be excited/care about the show.  “He likes me,” Lindsay swoons.  Um, yeah.  But he’s dating 10 other girls. So there’s that.

Next up is the group date with Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella.  Another day, another flannel.  The girls are decked out in winter duds, and Selma looks like a poor-man’s psychic with her ear warmers.

The group walks to a clearing to find…a goat. Someone, I’m thinking Daniella, asked if they were dogs. Um, no.  You can’t milk dogs.  The women were split into teams to compete in an outdoorsy competition such as baling hay and milking goats.  One-armed Sarah dominated in the hay bales and Desiree chugged goat milk like a champ to win the extra time with Sean for the red team.   (Warning: Goat milk is unpasteurized and can contain salmonella and E. coli.)  Sean’s cute and all, but I wouldn’t drink raw milk and risk the runs.

Sean likes to bend the rules, so he sent Chris Harrison over to the house invite the losing blue team back on the date. If I was Desiree, I’d be PISSED.  She chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for nothing.

Another thing has become painfully obvious to the women (or at least, me). Daniella doesn’t know how to use the word “literally” properly in a sentence.  “The girls are literally going to die when we show up.”  A girl can dream.

Meanwhile, Tierra writes furiously in her journal about how unfair it is that she didn’t get the 1-on-1 date that took place TWO DAYS AGO.  She’s so needy she says she must find Sean immediately “ to find out where his head’s at.” (His head, along with the rest of his body, is on a date with eight other women.)  Tierra, in true stalker fashion, steals him away from the other women for a quick chat, and returns home so proud for putting one over on the ladies.

During their chat, AshLee throws every Bachelor cliché at Sean: “At the end of the day…this is a fairytale…an amazing person to share these moments with…I have this, like, soul connection with you.  I can’t put it into words. There’s something in his eyes that makes me feel protected with him.” Blerg.

Daniella sees Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap and loses it.  Because there’s nothing a guy loves more than an emotional basketcase.  Oh, wait.  I guess they do because Sean gave her the rose.  Seriously?  Does he NOT SEE how he’s being manipulated? It’s getting embarrassing.  Literally.

Tierra and Jackie have the 2-on-1 date, and Tierra cannot stop congratulating herself for sneaking out the night before to “get a head start” on the date.  Sean wants to know if Jackie can be his best friend.  They go horseback riding and Jackie’s horse is super slow, which is kind of like their relationship, because I had no idea she was on the show.

Jackie pulls a Kacie B and tattles on Tierra, telling Sean that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport.  Sean applauds Jackie for being “real and genuine” and rewards her real-ness with a one-way ticket home.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect a rose.

The trio have dinner at the lodge and awkwardly drink wine.   Sean says he knows being with Tierra would involve a lot of drama, and Jackie is a good person and will love him.  So, of course, he goes with Tierra.  Tierra says she “has the biggest heart.” She told a sob story about how she stuck with her ex during his stints in rehab until he died three years ago.  Like that’s supposed to give her a pass for the rest of her life.  Too bad they didn’t go fishing because Sean fell for her bullshit hook, line and sinker.   Tierra was rewarded (again) for her shitty behavior with a fireworks show.

Can’t he get rid of her already?

At the rose ceremony, Tierra shoots daggers at all the women (again/still).  Robyn finally confronts her and calls Tierra out on her bullshit (being fake when the cameras are on and Sean’s around and ignoring everyone when they’re not.)

To which Tierra retorts, “I don’t care what people say at the end of the day.”  (Again, bullshit.  She totally cares.)  You got it, Tierra. Everyone’s super jealous of you.  Sean walks through the room when Tierra’s in mid-rant and says, “I will bite. I’m a Scorpio and my stinger comes out when I’m pissed.”  Sean is “blown away” to see Tierra lashing out.  Um, hello?  Everyone has been telling you this since Day One. He says this directly affects him and if people see something, they should say something.  They have, Sean. And you’ve sent them ALL HOME. If you’re that dim, I cannot help you.

Tierra says “the girls are attacking me.”  Sean asks for specifics and, of course, she can’t give any. “I’m not a drama person at all.”  Newsflash: When someone says that, that usually means they are batshit crazy.

Sean asks Lesley to break it down for him, which she tries to do, but is hesitant to do so because of the track record for women who warn him about Tierra.  (He sends those bitches home, yo!)  I wish he’d just sack up and snatch that rose from Tierra’s grubby little paws.

Lindsay, Daniella, Tierra, Selma, Catherine, Lesley M, AshLee, Sarah and Desiree all get roses, while Robyn and Jackie were sent home.

We got a “sneak peek” of future dates, which will include a trip to the Canadian Rockies, a date in an ice castle, and, of course Tierra getting hurt and crying a lot. Oh, and Sean makes out with a lot of women.  Let’s hope things get better, because the most entertaining part of the show for the past two weeks were the bloopers: last week, when Sean couldn’t drive stick with Selma, and tonight, when he couldn’t chop a piece of wood to save his life.  As my friend Catherine suggests, Sean should surrender his man card at the end of the season.  Or at least exchange it for an Eddie Bauer gold card.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when someone gets hospitalized (again).  My vote is for Tierra to float away on a chuck of ice, never to return.  Fingers crossed!

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