Important things are happening on the Bachelor, y’all! Like, world records are being SHATTERED. This is serious stuff, people.
The episode begins with a shirtless Sean working out shirtless in his private shirtless gym. ABC clearly knows which side its bread is buttered on! Sean’s “digging a lot of women” and can’t wait for the two one-on-one dates and the group date. Not everyone’s getting a date this week, so you know there will be drama among the ladies.
Spunky Robyn dreams about receiving the date card, telling producers, “I want the date card to say ‘Robyn, Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.’” Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.
Lesley M is the lucky lady, and as she prepares for her date, she wheels her luggage to the front door just in case she doesn’t receive a rose and has to leave the show immediately. Um, her bag was the size of a carry-on. C’mon, girl – you’re not wearing a potato sack to all these rose ceremonies! My handbag is larger than your suitcase. I’m calling bullshit on that one, Lesley M!
Sean arrives to pick up Lesley M sporting his “uniform” (a blue-green plaid shirt). They take a limo to the Hollywood Guinness World Records Museum, a/k/a the museum that time forgot, where they saw a photo display celebrating the man who ate a bike! The tallest man! The smallest woman! Then Sean reveals why he really brought her there: to brag about his dad’s world record of driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time (97 hours, 7 minutes). Just kidding! Sean wanted to carry on the family tradition. They’re going to go for the longest on-screen kiss in front of hundreds of people. Both were blushing profusely, as Sean tells the cameras, “I think it’s safe to say that this date has the potential to go down in the record books!” Barf.
The record is 3 minutes, 15 seconds. A rather stern British guy presented the rules: Their lips must be attached at all times. That’s it. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…and they’re off! Lesley M’s shoulders kept bouncing up and down and she’s laughing the entire time at how ridiculous it was. She also chose the worst possible dress to wear to break a world’s record (it barely covered her butt). The Guinness creeper guy’s official job was to make sure their lips didn’t separate. They did it! The rosacea twins did it! They broke the record and got a plaque that magically was ready ahead of time! Hooray!
After their date activity, Lesley M talked up how in love her parents are and how rad it is that they’re still in love. Lesley M also talked about how she loved “every second of junior high.” Right. Because all self-professed nerds had a rockin’ time in junior high. Sean and Lesley M were “blown away” at “how rare” it is that they’ve “connected so quickly” so, of course, Lesley M got a rose. They kissed and got two confetti showers in one date! Another Bachelor record!
Next up was the group date. Twelve girls playing beach volleyball in bikinis to compete for time with Sean. Sean greeted the ladies in a turquoise tank top, which they ask him to remove immediately, and he (of course) obliges. (What is with the blue-green obsession, Sean?)
This is Daniella’s “worst nightmare.” Um, I can think of lots of other things that are worse than being forced to play beach volleyball, like a food challenge on “The Amazing Race.” But, it’s “literally” her worst nightmare. (Side note: I don’t think she understands the true meaning of “literally.”) Taryn builds the activity up big-time, calling it “the most important game of [her] life.” (Clearly, she’s never read “The Hunger Games.”) The blue team wins, Kristy starts bawling and Daniella’s worst fears were (literally) realized. It was a sad trip home to the mansion, that’s for sure.
Lindsay tells Sean he’s everything she’s looking for. Sean tells her he’s impressed with her. (Note for future contestants: wear a wedding dress and get trashed the first night and it can only go up from there!)
Creepy Starer/Fit Model Amanda’s competitive juices are flowing and she proclaims she has what it takes to win Sean’s heart. “This isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.” Desiree, doing her best McKayla Maroney, is not impressed, and the tension is building.
Kacie B throws everything she knows about the show out the window and decides that her best course of action is to tattle on the other ladies. During their alone time, she starts out by telling Sean, “I don’t feel it’s my place, but…” and proceeds to talk shit about the other ladies. Kacie B whines that, “I can’t be myself with this dynamic.” Sean, to his credit, calls her out on why she’s inserting herself into the situation, a development Kacie B clearly wasn’t banking on. It totally backfired. The group date rose went to Lindsay and Kacie B was shocked, sobbing, “I look like the crazy person who can’t handle the drama.”
C’mon, Kacie B. You know you can’t talk shit about another woman to the guy. Remember how well that turned out for your friend Emily the Epidemiologist on Ben’s season? It’s like you were [insert sports analogy where the person knows what they’re NOT supposed to do but goes ahead and does it anyway]. Two words. Rookie Mistake.
Professional Organizer AshLee got the final one-on-one date. She was confident that it would be low-key, and even told producers, “Honestly, nothing will go wrong today.” Cue the sound of Tierra falling down the stairs. (Seriously, it’s edited that way.) Either Sean arrives immediately or they all stand around looking at a dazed Tierra until Sean shows up on the scene and tells someone to call an ambulance.
When the medics arrive, however, Tierra gets upset and insists she doesn’t want to go to the hospital. The only medicine she needs is some alone time outside with Sean. Meanwhile, AshLee is fuming inside the house, waiting for her date.
Sean says he’s looking for someone with a “caring and compassionate heart.” In Bachelor-speak, that means “time for a date to Six Flags with chronically ill children!”
AshLee wore a short lace doily, the perfect outfit to wear to ride roller coasters. To show that Sean has a “caring and compassionate heart,” he invites two girls from the Starlight Children’s Foundation to crash their date. Apparently, these girls’ two favorite things are “The Bachelor” and amusement parks. It was sweet to see the girls having a good time on the rides, but I was over it when AshLee continued with platitudes such as “it thrills my heart,” “it’s really precious,” and “it’s a great blessing to be a part of these girls’ lives…I’m really lucky.” I’m pretty sure you’re never going to see them again, but OK, AshLee, whatever. Ok, Bachelor producers, you win. Sick kids = home run. But then it got creepy when they showed a montage of the pre-teen girls at the theme park cued to the soundtrack music usually reserved for the engagement scene in the final episode.
After the date, AshLee and Sean patted themselves on the back for being so charitable. They start talking about their families, and AshLee tells Sean, “I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide.” (That’s usually how it happens, AshLee.) AshLee tells Sean she wants to adopt older kids, and shared her story about being adopted at age 6 after she was abused by her foster family. Sean gets teary and gives her the rose. Apparently, having one arm and being adopted guarantees a rose.
The next evening at the cocktail party, Sean gives one-armed Sarah a surprise (a visit from her dog, Leo, who lives across town). Sarah was flabbergasted, saying, “I’ve never felt so special, so cared for in my entire life.” And Leo got a squeaker ball. Win-win.
Tierra pounces on Sean for more one-on-one time, sporting a dent in her forehead that I’m 99 percent sure wasn’t there before her tumble. This pisses all the other ladies off. She bites it down the stairs and scores a sympathy visit AND gets more one-on-one time with Sean? UNFAIR!
Kacie B arrives at the rose ceremony sporting a wetsuit and clearly looks like she hasn’t been sleeping. She apologized to Sean for “her delivery” the other night. She knows she’s screwed. Chris Harrison starts the rose ceremony and Sean dramatically stops it, asking to speak with Kacie B outside. He carried the rose with him, but told her that they were better off as friends and sent her packing. Not in a limo, mind you, but in a black minivan. Kacie B leaves with regrets and a heavy heart. The ceremony resumes, and Sean’s handing out roses. The camera pans to the dwindling pile o’ roses. Tierra accepts this rose, followed by Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robyn…after Robyn, there were four roses remaining. Sean gives one to Selma and one to one-armed Sarah, and … has five left when he gave the next one to Jackie. WTF? Silly Bachelor editors! In addition to Kacie B, model Kristy was dismissed, leaving her free to shoot her romance covers with Fabio and model with the cows in Wisconsin. And Taryn went home, too.
What’s next? Selma and Leslie H get one-on-one dates, Robyn offers Sean a “taste of chocolate,” the girls play roller derby and someone else gets hurt. Oh, and Tierra loses her shit. ‘Til next week!