Sep 10

Bachelor Pad Finale: Rachel Gets Screwed and Blakeley’s a Step-Mommy?

Photo courtesy of ABC

When Chris Harrison said this was the “most disturbing season finale of ‘Bachelor Pad’ ever,” he wasn’t kidding.  Which part of the show was he referring to when he said “most disturbing?”

Was it:
(a) the cheesy proposal,

(b) Jamie’s “Cleopatra” getup, complete with sparkly headgear, or

(c) Rachel getting screwed over?

I’m going with all of the above.

Let’s start with Jamie.  She had this rhinestone sparkly headpiece and, if that wasn’t enough, some BeDazzlers stuck to her temples for added effect.  (Excuse me, which way to the Bangles’ flash mob?  Walk Like an Egyptian…)  Things got even weirder when she confronted Blakeley and said, “you have no reason not to be friends with me.”  Um, okay Jennifer Jason Leigh in “Single White Female.”  Not everyone needs to be besties.  Jaclyn hit the nail on the head when she called Jamie “socially awkward.”

Chris Harrison checked in with the “couples.”  Lindzi and Kalon are still dating, despite Erica Rose trying to stir the pot with rumors of Kalon seeing other women.  Michael and Rachel are kaput.   (Rachel accused Michael of leading her on and later saying he didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship, which was baloney because he’s dating a girl from Chicago.)

Blakeley and Tony told Chris Harrison they are in L-O-V-E and broke the news that they were moving in together!  Because Tony has cable!  Also, because that’s totally what you do when you meet someone over the summer, especially when there’s a child involved.  But they have Hooters in Portland, so she’s set!  Anyway, they showed some of Blakeley and Tony’s “Greatest Hits,” like when she said she would “donkey punch [Chris] in the throat” if he betrayed her, and how she was “gonna be an emotional banana sandwich – for real.”  (Not sure about the context of that last statement, but I’m pretty sure it could be inserted anywhere.)

When Chris Harrison asked Blakeley about how she feels about Tony, she started tearing up talking about how amazing he is.  Then, Tony got down on one knee and told Blakeley the words every woman longs to hear: “I want you to spend the rest of my life with me.”  (Yes, he said that.)  And then the Hooters girl totally came out and said, “Are you f-ing kidding me?”  Because that’s the only appropriate response when someone asks you to marry them after knowing you for five minutes.  When she saw the Neil Lane rock, it was a done deal.  Taylor has a new step-mommy.

After that fiasco, totally unscripted moment, the final two couples (Rachel and Nick and Chris and Sarah) had the chance to address the rejects jury to argue why they deserved to win the $250,000.

I think it’s funny that everyone on the show gets upset that people lie, season after season, like it’s some sort of surprise that that would happen with a bunch of fame whores reality stars in a contest to win money.  Did you know which show you signed up for?

Chris realized early on that he wasn’t going to garner any sympathy, so he said his family was very disappointed in how he played the game, but that they should vote for his partner, Sarah, to win.  Then, a second later, he said that he doesn’t regret any of the decisions he made in the game, that “you can’t regret things you can’t change.”  Ok, Yogi Berra.

Jaclyn confronted Rachel about her “unforgiveable” betrayal and asked why Rachel didn’t fight harder to save Jaclyn and Ed.  Rachel never gave a good answer.

The 16 jury members voted for the couple who “deserved” the money the most.  Rachel and Nick got 13 votes, and advanced to the finals.

Chris Harrison explained the rules for the final round about a half dozen times.  Essentially, Rachel and Nick go to separate deliberation rooms and have to choose whether to “Keep” or “Share” the money.  If they both pick Share, they split the $250,000. If one picks Keep and the other picks Share, then the person who picked Keep gets to keep the entire amount.  If both pick Keep, then neither of them get the money and the losers get to split it.

Chris Harrison asked: how strong is your relationship?

Answer: Not very.

Rachel and Nick sat side-by-side on a couch and had to reveal their decision in front of the audience.  Rachel picked Share, Nick picked Keep.  Rachel got nothing and Nick (who? He was on the show?) walked away with $250,000.

Nick came out of the gate swinging, saying that nobody expected him to win, that he got there all by himself, and Rachel never wanted to be his partner.  Nick clearly had prepared his response, accusing everyone of saying at some point they were there for the $250,000, never saying they were there to split the money.

Rachel looked bewildered. (Apparently they’d had a conversation before the show and agreed to split the money.)  Chris Harrison was speechless.

Rachel:  “I brought you here. You’re here because of me.  You’re a disgusting human being.  You’re a f-ing schmuck.”
Nick: “I’m a schmuck with $250,000.”

My tip for the cast of Bachelor Pad 4 (because you know there’ll be a BP4:  Trust nobody, steer clear of BeDazzlers and, for Pete’s sake, wear sunscreen.

1 comment

  1. Chucky Pita

    Rachel had what’s coming to her! She showed her true colors when she poo poo’d all over Nick. Congratulations to Nick! No Haterade allowed. 🙂

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