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Jul 09

Why the Next Season of “The Bachelor” Needs to be at the Olive Garden

Everyone wonders why the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has had ten bajillion seasons and only two marriages.  I think the answer is pretty simple.  You need to have a season at the Olive Garden.  I’m serious.  Take away the once-in-a-lifetime adventures, luxurious fantasy suites, hair and makeup teams, and outrageous clothing budgets and have the season take place in a mall.  They can bond over neverending soup or salad and breadsticks.  If it’s time for a guy to go, he’ll go to the soup bar and find the ladle is dry (literally and figuratively)– no soup for you!

Photo courtesy of ABC

Think about it.  The guy/girl has to plan the “adventures” to places like Build-a-Bear Workshop and the movie theater.  Because in what parallel universe is a pompadour-wearing charity director a “bad boy?”  Really, Emily?  Is the ocean air so intoxicating that a phrase like, “there’s a time and a place for everything, and right now is a time for us to bridle these passions” is acceptable? (Wow, Jef.)  Emily says Jef makes her laugh more than anyone, and that “he’d make going to the grocery store an adventure.”  So, let ‘em try it.  Let’s see what life is really like when they’re out of the Petri dish and wearing their own clothes and using their own quarters at the arcade.  Let ‘em have a “magical” night on their “journey” at Panda Express.  Would the feelings be as strong?  Doubt it.

For those drinking along with me tonight as part of the Bachelorette Drinking Game, “perfect” was used 26 times, followed closely by “amazing” (I lost count).

The first date in Curacao was with Sean who gave Emily “butterflies in [her] heart” during their date on a private island.  At first, I was really impressed when Sean used the word “imperative” properly in a sentence (as in, “it’s imperative that I don’t hold back my feelings for Emily on this date.”)  Be still my heart!  But then he followed it up with, “Whenever my [former girlfriend] would bring up marriage I would deviate from the conversation.”  Oh, Sean!  I knew it was too good to be true!  Looks AND brains?  Sean wrote Ricki a letter that he wanted to give her if he married Emily and became her stepdad.  It read, in part, “I want you to know that I will always love you with all of my heart.”  Um, slow down, cowboy.  You haven’t met her yet.  If you didn’t have such cute dimples, you’d be quite the scary stalker. (And yes, I paused my DVR to read the letter.  Didn’t you?)  Sean doomed himself about eight times by saying that he was going to marry Emily.  He also got a raging sunburn that burned his scalp and made him look like an Oompa-Loompa.  Anyone else have to adjust their TV?

Jef and Emily went on a boat ride for their date.   They talked about how “perfect” everything was between them.  (Glug, glug.)  They jumped off some rocks and watched the sunset.  “The sun is setting in Curacao, but for me and Emily, a whole life together is just starting.”  Gag.  Did anyone else notice that they played the Bachelor proposal theme song during their date montage?  Then it was time for the Fantasy Suite card.  Either Chris Harrison has the girliest handwriting on the planet or a 13-year-old is writing those date cards.  The Fantasy Suite turned into a chat fest/blue ball session, as Emily wanted to set a good example for her daughter on the show and Jef wanted to “be respectful of their families.”  So, no sleepovers.

Finally, Emily and Arie went on their date, where they swam with dolphins.  Emily was scared, and was all, “Oh save me Arie!”  Save me from FLIPPER.  It’s a dolphin.  Seriously.  Emily calls him “Sweet Arie,” and I’m sure the guys at the racetrack will have a field day with that one.   Arie told her that Dollywood was “amazing” – he’s so full of shit.  Arie said that the key to parenting as a stepdad is to be friends with the kid, and Emily ate that up with a spoon.  She didn’t even give him the Fantasy Suite card, because she couldn’t trust herself around him.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily was really conflicted.  A ring-less Chris Harrison didn’t make it any easier, when he played each guys’ “private video message” which wasn’t so private, since we all saw them.  The videos didn’t have the desired effect because Em-bot looked absolutely miserable watching them.  Her eyes were glazed over as she listened to Jef tell her that they’d watch “a thousand sunsets” together.  Maybe she was doing the math and figured he’s only in it for, like, three years max?  Arie told her that his “heart’s always racing toward [her.]”  Get it?  ‘Cuz I’m a racecar driver!  So clever, that one!

At the most casual rose ceremony ever, Emily wore a gray tank top and a bizarre mermaid skirt and the guys wore beach wedding attire (button down and khakis) with Jef wearing a weird tie.

She gave the final two roses to Jef and Arie.  Poor Sean was blindsided, like a tall Tom Cruise, blindsided by Emily/Katie Holmes’ divorce filing.  When Emily walked Sean out, the Bachelor producers played instrumental music that is the soundtrack for men in old timey movies returning from war.  (Sooo not the same.)

Next week, the “Men Tell All” – except for what they’re contractually obligated not to discuss.  And on Sunday, July 22nd, it’s the finale and, according to Chris Harrison, “the most dramatic television event of the summer” (which isn’t saying much. It’s all reruns.)

Who do you think she’ll choose?

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