Jul 02

The Bachelorette: A Playhouse to Die For and the Return of the Bachelorette Drinking Game

It was a freakin’ love-fest on this week’s episode of “The Bachelorette.”  Emily loved all the families.  The families loved Emily.  Three of the four guys told Emily they loved her (Sean held out, but he sure does love kissing her!)  She loved Chicago.  She loved Jef’s ranch (yes, his family has a ranch).  And on.  And on.  And on.  For another two hours.  Oy.

Honestly, between last week’s snoozefest and this week, I propose bringing back the Bachelorette Drinking Game.  Next week, pour your beverage of choice, sit back, and take a drink as follows:

1 sip = every time someone says this has been a “life-changing experience” (so tonight, that would be three)

1 sip = when someone talks about their “connection”

1 sip = each time the word “journey” is mentioned

1 sip = when they go on a picnic (and you know they will)

2 sips = any time Emily and/or the guys say the word “perfect.”

You may, however, substitute a swig of water if “perfect” is uttered three times or more before the next commercial break (otherwise, you may be pretty snockered.)  (Any other rules?  Suggestions welcome in the comments!)

Ah, the hometown dates.  The week when the guys bring Emily home to meet their families, and Emily sends one of them home, pretty much guaranteeing the next family dinner will be awkward.

First up was Chris from Chicago, who took her to see the sights – if the sights consisted of the Water Tower and a Polish restaurant because he’s “really Polish.”  C’mon, Chris… Chicago’s an awesome city.  At least take her on an architecture tour, or the zoo, or the beach for a picnic…something!  They drove to the suburbs, where Chris eagerly told the cameras that his parents were “gonna be pumped to meet their future daughter-in-law.”  Yikes.  Chris told Emily that he’s a mama’s boy and talks to his mom on the phone for hours.  Super-sexy stuff.  Emily breaks bread (or pierogies) with Chris’ family.  To cap of the night, Chris surprised Emily with a Polish dance party in his backyard, complete with costumed dancers.  What. A. Magical. Night.

With the bar set so low, Jef had absolutely no problem stepping over it.  He brought Emily to his family’s ranch in Utah, where they went 4-wheeling and shot clay pigeons.  Turns out Skinny Jean Jef is good with a gun.  Jef practically drooled over Emily’s skeet-shooting prowess, explaining that, “Emily looks so hot with a gun.  I just want her to hold a gun all day long.”  Ok then.  Jef’s parents were busy doing charity work in South Carolina so she met his siblings at a picnic (natch, and sip).  Jef read part of his journal to Emily about how he’s in love with her and how we wants to be there for her daughter, Ricki, and Emily melted.  She said that, “it feels perfect inside my heart.”  [Take a drink.]  Then Jef said the date “changed his life.”  [And another.]  See?  Fun, I say!

Next up, Emily went to visit Arie in Arizona where his family spoke in Dutch while she sat awkwardly beside him.  You know things aren’t going well in your relationship when everyone, including your boyfriend, are talking about you and laughing in Dutch.   Arie took Emily to the racetrack and gave her a ride in his racecar.  He said that the date “changed [his] life.”  [Another drink!]

Finally, Emily went to see Sean in Dallas, where he introduced her to his family, his dogs, and his “simple life.”  They went to a park with his dogs, Lola and Ellie, picked wildflowers, played Frisbee, and had a picnic.  [Sip!]  Ah, Sean.  Wholesome, simple Sean.  They went to his parents’ McMansion, where Sean told Emily he still lived at home and took her to his “bedroom” filled with stuffed animals and cookie crumbs.  Emily practically broke out in hives until he told her that he was kidding, he doesn’t live at home.  He’d punked her!  What a card.  When they were seated at the table, his dad served steamed armadillo, complete with broiled tail!  Ha!  Gotcha again!  His mom said they weren’t really going to serve her armadillo, even though they bought it from the deli, because they like to throw food away in the name of comedy.  No wonder the rest of the world loves Americans.

Sean’s niece showed Emily her playhouse and, holy crap, it’s nicer than my apartment.  It has an air conditioner and chandelier, people!  Yes, a 5-year-old lives better than I do.  But with a name like Kensington (her brother’s name is Smith), you know Fisher Price isn’t going to cut it.  Like the other guys, Sean was bewitched by Emily, and said he’d had a “life changing experience.” [Chugging at this point.]

At the rose ceremony, Emily let Chris go, and he was pretty pissed.  I thought he was going to be classy about it, but he revealed his true personality when he snapped in the limo, “I’m ten times the man than [freakin’] all those dudes that are still there right now.”  Riiiight.

Next week is the overnight/fantasy suite dates in the Caribbean.  It’s down to Jef, Arie and Sean.  Who will be the final two?  And will you be sober by the end of the show?

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Blair_25 under a Creative Commons license.


  1. Helena

    AHHHHH! I don’t know who would be next to go! I think she will end up with Arie…

    What do you think? Love your recap!

  2. Lindsay

    Thanks, Helena! I don’t know – I kinda think it’s between Sean and Jef.

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