The Bachelorette: It’s Gettin’ Serious, Y’all! Seriously.

This week’s episode is brought to you by the word “serious.”  Because, in the words of the guys vying for Emily’s heart, “this is getting serious,” “once families get involved, it gets serious” and “this just became super-serious.”  Some iteration of the word “serious” was used at least six times tonight.  Seriously.

Photo courtesy of ABC

The six-pack spent the week in Prague, where the heavily promoted non-event o’ the week was Arie’s former relationship with Emily’s confidante and “Bachelorette” producer that he never disclosed to her.  Emily was PISSED.  Her first one-on-one was with Arie and she was trying to bait him on their date saying things like, “Do you feel like you’re really open with me?” and “Do you think you’re trustworthy?” and How about we rub this statue for good luck and loyalty.  Anything you wanna tell me now, ARIE?

Chris Harrison came out several times to explain, a la a Greek Chorus, what was going down.  Somehow, the confrontation was not taped.  REALLY?  It’s a reality show, a producer was involved, and you didn’t film it?  Wtf?

But Chris summarized it for us – saying that when Arie was confronted he was like, “Oh, it was so long ago, I didn’t think it mattered.”  And Emily was all, “Oh, it was all just a big misunderstanding.  I’m so sorry!” like it was all her fault.  He said everything she wanted to hear and they kissed under a fireworks display.  Blech.

The second one-on-one date went to John/Wolf, the Data Destruction Expert who has zero chemistry with Ems.  They went on an architectural boat tour led by the Pillsbury Doughboy.  Then, the emotionless couple painted a boat on the John Lennon wall and visited a gate with a bunch of padlocks on it.  Emily, who just happened to have a padlock in her pocket, explained that it was a *ahem* tradition that couples would write messages on the lock and latch it to the fence as a symbol of their love.  John tried to close their lock but it wouldn’t lock.  Uh-oh.  That doesn’t bode well.  But poor John didn’t get the hint, even after they had dinner in a dungeon.  He repeatedly kept talking about their “phenomenal” date and that he “closed the deal” for a hometown date.  Yeah, he was pretty out of touch on that one.

Meanwhile, at the hotel, monotone Chris was slowing coming unhinged.  He said he was “livid” that he wasn’t picked for the one-on-one date, but his expression and demeanor were unchanged.  Maybe he doesn’t know what the word means?  Anyway, he started saying things that made me slightly concerned for all involved.  Things like, “If I don’t get a hometown date, I’ll be scared for anybody around me.”  Yeah, time to hide the scissors.

Sean decided to take matters into his own hands, and went running through the streets of Prague to find Emily and give her a kiss.   Spoiler alert: He found her.  And they kissed.

The next day, Sean, Doug, and pouty Chris had a group date in an old castle.  Doug’s mind was blown and he instantly wished aloud that his son was there to enjoy it with him.  During his time with Emily, he was awkward and it was pretty evident there wasn’t a connection.  Emily tried to put him out of his misery and send him home diplomatically, but Doug misread her signals and kissed her.  She sent him packing, to which he responded, “I think my girl radar is totally broken.”  Yep.  I’d say so.  Emily returned to Sean and Chris, and gave the rose to Sean.  Chris…did not react well.

The last one-on-one date went to Jef, and the pair played with marionettes.  [Fun Fact: The marionette's operator is called a manipulator.  Discuss.]  They each got an alter-ego doll to play with and Jef got a doll for Emily’s daughter, Ricki, which led to Emily envisioning herself walking into Jef’s office and seeing pictures of their family on his desk, and imagining what they’d fight about (he’d be a cool dad and wouldn’t discipline their kids.)  What a (stalkerish) Chris thing to say!

Next, the two entered a giant library, where they decided to put on a puppet show reenacting their relationship and engaged in puppet therapy to express adult feelings.  I kid you not.  This is essentially how it went down:

Cue Jef puppet shaking in the corner holding an imaginary skateboard.

Jef: I’m really nervous.  What do I do with my hands?

Cut to Emily puppet chasing Jef puppet all over the library.

Emily:  Where’s Jef? I really want to talk to him. Why won’t he kiss me?

Jef:  I really like your nail polish.

Emily: Thanks! I’m never gonna change it!

The puppets awkwardly kiss.

Jef and Emily kiss.

And, scene!

At the rose ceremony, the guys arrived in old timey cars.  Chris Harrison announced that Emily had made up her mind and didn’t want to have a cocktail party, which didn’t sit well with Chris, who was in tears, saying things like, “I don’t wanna go home without her” and “I’m gonna fight for her.”  Emily distributed roses to Jef and Arie while Chris did the internationally-known toddler potty dance – he had to say somethin’!  But he was so nervous!  So he wiggled!  He interrupted the sacred ceremony to speak privately with her and pseudo-apologize for being a creep on the group date and for “taking the week for granted.”  Emily awarded his bad behavior with a rose.  Barf.  Next week, the four guys take Emily home to meet their families and another guy is sent packing.  Who do you want to see leave?