This week on the Bachelorette, Em and her baker’s dozen headed to Bermuda for some fun in the sun! If I didn’t know better and I happened to channel surf my way to ABC, I’d think I was watching a reality show about frat brothers on a super-lame spring break. The guys rode scooters around their hotel and Sean and Ryan wore matching ELITE bracelets. So precious!
Doug got the first one-on-one date, and Emily was suspicious that he was a little “too perfect” and reminded her of her ex, Brad Womack. She had every right to be – he played the dad card fast and furious, blaming past failed relationships on the fact that he’s too wonderful a dad and beginning every other sentence with the phrase “Being a dad…” They went shopping on their date, and Brad Doug pretended that he LOVED spending time in perfume and glass shops. As if that wasn’t annoying enough, Doug referred to himself in the third person and said he won’t make the first move with a woman. “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.” Ugh. He actually said that. If Emily doesn’t want to wind up with a douchelord who refers to himself in the third person, she’d send Doug home.
Eight guys went on the group date, where they were split in teams of two to compete for a dinner with Emily. In true Bachelor fashion, Jef’s finger injury, which had been promoted as a gushing mess, was the nautical equivalent of a paper cut. Things got a little lively when Ryan “Brillo Head” showed his true colors and called Emily a trophy wife. What other obnoxious things did he say, you ask? Here are a few: “There’s a lot of depth here to who I am.” “God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman.” “Tell me why you’re worthy.” “[I feel like] I’m being called to something bigger.” “To whom much is given much is required.” “The enemy of great is good.” Ok, whatever, Yoda. In one of her interviews, Emily said she felt like Ryan was judging her. (He was.) Oh, and he’s apparently jockeying for a spot as “The Bachelor: Augusta.” What. A. Tool.
In the meantime, Kalon was busy flying under the radar and not pissing anyone off this week. As they arrived in Bermuda, the Luxury Brand Consultant said he felt like he was in his element. He probably spent the day posing by the boats, waiting to be discovered for a Ralph Lauren ad. (Look, my glasses come on and off!)
The dreaded 2-on-1 date was with “Wolf” and Nate, because nothing says fun like an afternoon with an accountant and a data destruction expert. The trio went cliff diving, perfectly choreographed to Wolf’s statement, “This could be a big jumping point for the both of us.” Literal, much?
After a few dips (pun intended), the three amigos had dinner in a cave, which has to go down as one of the most awkward dates in Bachelor history. (And that’s saying something.) You could actually hear the water dripping off the stalagmites – or were they stalactites? Nate gave his 30-second elevator pitch of why he should stick around, even though he’s never uttered a word to Emily before. But, alas, his Don Johnson “Miami Vice” getup (salmon t-shirt under a light-colored blazer with jeans) was not enough to win Emily’s heart and he returned home by speedboat.
Back on dry land, there was tension in the frat house as Doug called Chris insecure and Chris said Doug was hiding something. Emily told Chris Harrison that she was on to some of the guys *ahem, Brillo Head, ahem* but kept ‘em around anyway.
Next week, the gang heads to London where one of the guys may have referred to Emily’s daughter Ricki as baggage, to which Emily may have said they should, “get the f—out.”
Photo courtesy of Flickr user Blair_25 under a Creative Commons license.