I like to watch the Miss USA pageant while eating cookie dough, mainly because I know the contestants haven’t had any in, like, ever. This year’s competition, held in Las Vegas, was hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and E! News’ Guiliana Rancic. The pageant is owned by Donald Trump, so you know it’ll be classy.
Miss Rhode Island is very passionate.
The judging panel was comprised of a veritable who’s who of D-list celebrities, including former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, Celebrity Apprentice winner Arsenio Hall, a Jonas brother and “business entrepreneur” Rob Kardashian (because “relative of the woman who’s famous for having a big butt and a sex tape” was apparently too long of an intro). What, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney weren’t available?
Color commentary was provided by a purple-haired Kelly Osbourne and a chick named Jeannie Mai who, according to her bio, hosts “How Do I Look?” Thank goodness she was there or else we’d never have known that Miss Alabama’s passions include baking and clay pigeon shooting and Miss Michigan “loves to get her yoga on!” Or that Miss Texas kissed a stingray once because she thought it would bring her good luck – and clearly it’s working!
Lest you think this was all show and no substance, this year’s telecast provided helpful Pageant Tips for the Everywoman, such as:
- When trying on shoes, stand on a hard floor and raise yourself on your toes one inch – if you can’t do it, your heels are too high. If you fall on your ass, the universe is telling you to stick with flats.
- When standing on the red carpet, one foot should always be in front of the other, that hip should be in front, as is the shoulder, your neck should be up, and the hand in back should be on your hip.
- Public speaking is a lot like acting – you play the part of your most confident, relaxed self!
- When ring shopping, the band is just as important as the stone. Petite fingers look best with a thin band, while long, thin fingers look best with a wider band. Always pick a ring that complements your hand shape and size. And if you have a claw, you’re S-O-L and will never find happiness.
The most honest moment of the evening was when Kelly Osbourne asked Rob Kardashian if the future Mrs. Kardashian was on that stage, and he demurred, saying there was too much hairspray and makeup up in there. Word.
The final question round is my favorite, because the contestants have to think on their feet and are often asked about current events, leading to the hilarious “the Iraq” verbal exchange a few years back. No major drama this time around though. Judge and celebrity chef Cat Cora asked Miss Georgia if she thought New York’s mayor was going too far by banning large sugary sodas. Miss Georgia’s answer suggests she hates fountain drinks and freedom. Boo!
Nobody fell, no wacky live TV moments, so it was pretty tame. Good thing the Bachelorette’s on tomorrow!
4 comments
Winnie says:
June 4, 2012 at 4:14 am (UTC -5)
I enjoyed reading your post..Popped over from blogger. I haven’t seen one of these in awhile. Their tips were of the utmost importance i see..So funny…Miss GA missed a good question.. I am in NYC and the debate has been interesting. When I was a little girl my favorite toy I got one year was a Miss America runway where you would pop a doll on it and pull the lever and she would walk the run way and you could turn her around and have her walk back down.. I loved it..
Lindsay says:
June 4, 2012 at 11:16 pm (UTC -5)
Hi Winnie! I’ve never seen the runway toy – that totally sounds like something I would love.
Scott says:
June 4, 2012 at 7:09 am (UTC -5)
Hey! You didn’t report the most important part of the whole show: which of the fifty states and Guam gets bragging rights for the year by claiming the title! I, for one, am hoping we kicked Utah’s butt again! Seriously, I am hoping our Miss Ohio was up to the standard set by Gillian Welch’s lyrics. “Oh, I wanna do right, but not right now.”
Thanks for the chuckles, Kiddo. And for keeping me abreast of what’s really important in fluff television. As usual, you have separated the wheat from the chaff and found the chaff much more interesting. I commend you.
Lindsay says:
June 4, 2012 at 11:15 pm (UTC -5)
Aw, thanks Scott! I try not to spoil the outcome in case someone reads my blog and hasn’t seen it yet. I can, however, tell you that Miss Ohio was a finalist and looked like a giant banana in her dress. (She says school bus, I say banana.)