I like to watch the Miss USA pageant while eating cookie dough, mainly because I know the contestants haven’t had any in, like, ever. This year’s competition, held in Las Vegas, was hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and E! News’ Guiliana Rancic. The pageant is owned by Donald Trump, so you know it’ll be classy.
The judging panel was comprised of a veritable who’s who of D-list celebrities, including former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, Celebrity Apprentice winner Arsenio Hall, a Jonas brother and “business entrepreneur” Rob Kardashian (because “relative of the woman who’s famous for having a big butt and a sex tape” was apparently too long of an intro). What, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney weren’t available?
Color commentary was provided by a purple-haired Kelly Osbourne and a chick named Jeannie Mai who, according to her bio, hosts “How Do I Look?” Thank goodness she was there or else we’d never have known that Miss Alabama’s passions include baking and clay pigeon shooting and Miss Michigan “loves to get her yoga on!” Or that Miss Texas kissed a stingray once because she thought it would bring her good luck – and clearly it’s working!
Lest you think this was all show and no substance, this year’s telecast provided helpful Pageant Tips for the Everywoman, such as:
- When trying on shoes, stand on a hard floor and raise yourself on your toes one inch – if you can’t do it, your heels are too high. If you fall on your ass, the universe is telling you to stick with flats.
- When standing on the red carpet, one foot should always be in front of the other, that hip should be in front, as is the shoulder, your neck should be up, and the hand in back should be on your hip.
- Public speaking is a lot like acting – you play the part of your most confident, relaxed self!
- When ring shopping, the band is just as important as the stone. Petite fingers look best with a thin band, while long, thin fingers look best with a wider band. Always pick a ring that complements your hand shape and size. And if you have a claw, you’re S-O-L and will never find happiness.
The most honest moment of the evening was when Kelly Osbourne asked Rob Kardashian if the future Mrs. Kardashian was on that stage, and he demurred, saying there was too much hairspray and makeup up in there. Word.
The final question round is my favorite, because the contestants have to think on their feet and are often asked about current events, leading to the hilarious “the Iraq” verbal exchange a few years back. No major drama this time around though. Judge and celebrity chef Cat Cora asked Miss Georgia if she thought New York’s mayor was going too far by banning large sugary sodas. Miss Georgia’s answer suggests she hates fountain drinks and freedom. Boo!
Nobody fell, no wacky live TV moments, so it was pretty tame. Good thing the Bachelorette’s on tomorrow!