Welcome to Week 7 – It’s zzzzzz…sorry, it’s Classical Week.
Violinist Joshua Bell kicked off this week’s show – oh, and incidentally, he’s got a new CD out. The only thing more annoying than the constant marketing would be if ABC decided to open up an online store where people could purchase everything they saw shilled during the show.
Bummer that the “stars” aren’t coming down the stairs anymore – I was hoping to see someone bite it this season. *sigh*
This week, the “stars” would be judged on their individual performances as well as a team dance.
First up were Katherine Jenkins and her partner Mark Ballas, who rumbaed to “Canon in D,” dressed as gladiators. Katherine’s hair was in a messy dreadlock braid and she looked like a homeless gladiator, which was a little sad. During their training this past week, Mark said, “You can’t spell classical without ass.” Yeah, he said it. And after the performance, judge Bruno wished the dance was a bit raunchier, “to get [his] juices flowing.” Yep, he said that, too.
Maks had a snit fit after his and Half-Pint’s Argentine Tango received low marks. Bruno said it looked like Melissa was riding the Cyclone at Coney Island, while Carrie Ann said it was like Cirque de Soleil gone terribly wrong. There was much eye-rolling and pouting.
12-year-old opera sensation Jackie Evancho sang “Ave Maria” while William Levy and his partner Cheryl danced the Viennese Waltz. (12-year-olds have albums to sell, too, you know!) Len said William’s waltz didn’t transport him to Vienna, but he was in Austria. Whatever that means.
The funniest part of the evening was when the Disney Kid tried to get lessons on how to be more masculine. Everyone else did a dance to classical music, but he did the Argentine Tango to Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” the string version. WTF? Did they just run out of classical songs? Len called his dance “clean and competent.” You know what else is clean and competent? My dry cleaner.
Next up was Donald “I don’t like my kids to win at marbles” Driver. He and his partner danced the Viennese Waltz to a song by Vittorio Grigolo, who was super-tan and had majorly overdone eyebrows. Turns out Vittorio has an album out as well, available wherever fine classical music albums are sold!
Maria Menounos and her partner Derek earned the season’s first perfect score dancing a vampire-themed Paso Doble . Props to Maria for performing with fangs in her mouth – I would’ve gagged, what with my child-sized mouth and all. The camera panned to George Lopez and Wilmer Valderrama, who apparently are now lifetime ticketholders in the studio audience since they’re on every freakin’ show. Len was super-impressed with their dance, saying it was, “Sharp as a razor, crisp as a Pringle, and [had] more tension than my grandmother’s knickers elastic.” Ok. Ew.
Jerkel and his partner turned in a ho-hum Viennese Waltz, which Jerkel initially thought was called the “Vietnamese Waltz.” That Urkel! What a card!
Then the team dances began. Team Tango was comprised of Katherine, Maria, Jerkel and Disney Kid. The best part was when Mark lost his shit and snapped at Katherine, “If you start worrying about this I’m going to lose my rag.” Oh, you mean the one you’re on? Because that would explain your moodiness. And it would also be hilarious.
Next up was Team Paso, which was William, Laura Ingalls, and Donald. The guys all stripped their shirts off to reveal – suspenders that rival any pair Larry King has ever worn. To make it even more masculine, they proceeded to do a cape dance. (Disney Kid, I hope you’re taking notes!) William initially didn’t want to take his shirt off, because it should all be about the dancing and he wants to be taken seriously as a dancer. Ha! Everyone’s a comedian!
Which brings us to Tuesday’s results show. Tom Bergeron informed us that this was the last dance duel of the season, where two dancers will “rumba for salvation.” That seriously sounds like the title to one of the worst old-lady romance novels ever.
Then DWTS had to go and tug at my heartstrings. It showcased a top street dancer named Steelo who suffered a brain aneurysm last year that robbed him of his ability to dance. He performed on the show for the first time in public since his aneurysm and received a standing ovation. It was serious goosebumps time.
And then of course ABC has to take all the goodwill it’s built up and destroy it by making me sit through a “Ballroom Battle” which was super annoying. Six professional dancers apparently tried to find amateur couples to train and then face off to receive a 30 second spot on a results show. Needless to say, it was more of a blip than a battle. After recapping D-list celeb performances, followed by a real hero who made a comeback from a near fatal brain aneurysm, it was clearly a lame stall tactic. Even for ABC. Who also brought back Gavin DeGraw to sing a song (which is available on iTunes!)
Next week is a double elimination – hooray! Til next time, America! Weeee!
