Santana, Selena Gomez and Train Have Albums to Sell, “Little House” Returns, and William Levy Is Still Muy Caliente.

Week 5 brings us to Latin Night, and who better to ring it in than … Carlos Santana?  What, Enrique Iglesias wasn’t available?Santana’s new album drops May 15th and he’s performing in Las Vegas next month, but that’s purely coincidental, I’m sure.

On a side note, the commercials returned to more demographic-appropriate fare, namely, a retired firefighter with an earring discussing the symptoms of shingles. “I was a firefighter for 24 years. But I’ve never encountered such a burning sensation until I had the shingles.”  Really, Diamond-Studded-Retired-Firefighter?  Shingles is hotter than running into burning buildings for 24 years?  Drama queen!

Perhaps not coincidentally, the first dancer after the shingles “I’m on fire!” commercial was Jerkel and his partner dancing in front of a real fire on stage.  Is it worse than shingles?  Real sensitive, Jerkel.  Way to stick it to the retired firefighter with the snazzy earring.   Jerkel’s facial hair continues to confound me.  What’s going on there?

Melissa Gilbert returned to the ballroom after suffering whiplash and a concussion from hitting her head on her partner’s leg.  I’m not one to knock someone for being klutzy because I broke my elbow during my first go at roller derby, but watching her shimmy in a neck brace was unnecessary.  And that dress – the top looked like she had a pack of highlighters dangling from her chest.  Ugh.

I was a little concerned when Maria Menounos came down the stairs wearing a Big Bird outfit and matching yellow bellybutton ring.  This week during practice, she face-planted on her chin, but at least she had a good sense of humor about it, returning clad in bubble wrap.  Their salsa was good, though she did start out by grinding on Dr. Drew, which was a little awkward.  It got very steamy when she made out with her partner Derek in the middle of it.  The kiss was a little too long and a little too weird, given that Derek looks like a Ken doll (and not in a good way).  On the results show, the judges picked them to perform their dance again.  Maria must’ve shimmied extra hard because one of her boobs popped out under her top.  Oops!  I wonder how many complaints the FCC will get for that one.

Katherine Jenkins flicked her leg and kicked Mark in the balls a few times during practice, so much so that he had to wear a cup.  Carrie Ann said Katherine had the best legs of anyone in the competition.  Like, ever.  Think someone has a favorite?  Little House may as well just pack it up now.

Gavin DeGraw’s constant hat habit is reminiscent of Bret Michaels’ mandatory bandana-wearing which just makes me want to see what’s under there even more.  I didn’t understand the storytelling behind their dance.  Gavin paddles in a canoe and then dances around in a dirty white suit coat but miraculously clean pants and they land in a hammock?  Was he supposed to be shipwrecked?  He said it best when he said it was “more of a struggle than a samba.”  At least he had a good sense of humor.

William Levy’s Karate Kid headband count stands at 2 for the week. I’ve never envisioned the Argentine Tango performed to a Pussycat Dolls song, but whatever.

Carrie Ann called him the “Latin Dancing James Bond” and he didn’t drop his partner this week, so there’s that.  Why do the dancers call each other “babe” and “baby”?  When Maria landed on her chin, it was all “You ok baby? You need some ice babe? Baby…” while William and Cheryl are “baby” this and “baby” that.  What’s the deal?

It was pretty hilarious when the Disney Kid tried to take lessons in being sexy from William Levy.  Hint: It didn’t work.  Note to ABC:  Having a kid from the Disney Channel dance the salsa to a song that features the phrase: “Let me rock you, rock you like a rodeo” is just wrong.   Bet the FCC will be getting some calls about that one, too.

This week, “Dancing with the Stars” added a dance duel into the mix, taking the bottom two couples and giving them one last chance to save themselves by performing the same dance side-by-side.  Essentially, ABC has figured out that America is too stupid to vote for the winner.

In order to drag out the four-minute results show into an hour, Train and Justin Bieber’s girlfriend performed (separately) because they both have new singles and clearly it wouldn’t be “Dancing with the Stars” without some hard-selling thrown in there.  The only thing I learned in the results show was that Karina farted right before the dance started on Monday night.  Not really breaking news, and I doubt it will make papers like Nancy Grace’s fart last season, as only so much ink will be spilled on DWTS topics, and Maria’s boobage will undoubtedly make news this time around.  (And probably at least a dozen FCC complaints.)

Next week is Motown Week.  Get ready for arthritis and erectile dysfunction commercials.  Oh, and I was in Las Vegas last weekend and caught the opening of the new “Dancing with the Stars: Las Vegas” show.  I’ll be posting about that in the next day or two, so stay tuned!

 Ice sculpture photo courtesy of Flickr user Leo Reynolds through this Creative Commons license.