If you missed the first 6 minutes of Monday’s show, don’t worry, because nothing happened. The “stars” walked down the stairs. (spoiler alert: nobody fell!) Way to milk it, ABC.
This week was the “most memorable year” episode, where each “star” had to select their most memorable year and present it in song and dance. It was a night of tears and triumph, a “dance from the heart,” if you will. (Tom Bergeron’s words, not mine).
First up was Jack Wagner, who last year (his most memorable year) was grabbed by a young girl backstage at a concert in Florida who turned out to be his long-lost daughter. What’s more surprising to me is that Jack Wagner had a concert that people unrelated to him actually attended.
“She hugged me and – I knew,” Jack cried as he told his story. The only way this guy could be any cheesier and more ridiculous would be if he danced to one of his own songs. Oh, wait. He did. Which would explain why I had never heard it before. He also selected another orange outfit which I think really brings out his eyes. So last year was his most memorable year. Heather Locklear must be feeling awesome right about now. Carrie Ann said there was something “effervescent” about his performance. You know what else is effervescent? Alka-Seltzer.
Maria Menounos’ most memorable year was 1988, when she was 10 years old. Her favorite song was “Material Girl” which she’d play in the jukebox while her parents cleaned nightclubs in Boston. It was a touching story, until she and Derek began a hyper-sexual rumba – in front of her parents – which was awkward for everyone with eyes.
Gladys Knight reflected on 1957, when she went on tour with the Pips at age 13. Wait, where were her parents? I like Gladys – she has the best attitude. As she talked about Sam Cooke and her “education” on tour, her partner was looking at her like she was a martian speaking Greek. Their foxtrot was decent, though.
The Disney kid’s most memorable year was 1996 when he went to a Michael Jackson concert when he was 6. *insert inappropriate Michael Jackson jokes here* So of course the kid wears an afro and dances to a Jackson 5 song – because that’s sooo 90s.
Gavin DeGraw danced to Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind,” reflecting on his family’s support of his move to NYC to follow his dream in 1998. His father would go door-to-door to bars and venues, trying to get him a gig. He was clearly touched by his family’s support and became emotional. Awww! He could dance to “Thriller” and I’d be down with it.
Katherine Jenkins dedicated her waltz to her father, dancing to Josh Groban’s “Where You Are.” In 1996 her father was diagnosed with lung cancer and died. She seems so sweet, I’m finding it increasing hard to hate her.
Sherri Shepard is growing on me, too. Her son was premature and faced a lot of health challenges at birth. She was more graceful than we’ve seen her, and her son is adorbs.
Melissa Gilbert faked sneezing on Maks and bumping heads, showcasing her continuing inability to act. So, what was her most memorable year? Not the birth of her kids. No. In 2010, she broke her back while touring with the “Little House on the Prairie” show. “It was a very physical show.” Clearly. Look, Ma! Laura churned so much butter she broke her back! But it was Pa’s fault. He told her to put her back into it. She danced to “The Dog Days Are Over” because they really are. She thanked her friends for “feeding” her while she had a broken back. Annoying.
Steve Urkel chose as his “most memorable year” the time when he played Steve Urkel’s alter ego, Stefan Urquelle on “Family Matters” because “people treated him differently.” Apparently, he became more popular with the ladies. So he did a dance where he’s supposed to be a ladies man. Did I miss something here? I’m not buying it. When asked why he was so emotional, a tearful Urkel kept repeating, “Steve Urkel was my Mickey Mouse,” to a clearly confused Brooke Burke Charvet. He later explained that he puts his characters in a box and this was his first “tribute” to “Family Matters.” Puh-leeze. Spare me. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that reports about his poor treatment of his partner would be coming out in the next few days?
William Levy’s most memorable year was 1995, the year he came to America from Cuba. He had never seen an apple before and thought butter was ice cream. Ha, ha! Honest mistake! This week’s Karate Kid headband count stands at 3. Hands down, William Levy the accountant is the best Cuban import ever. Carrie Ann called William “ridiculous. Ridiculously hot.” My thoughts exactly.
Donald Driver, the football player danced in honor of his best friend who died of cancer in 2010. I will overlook the fact that his song of choice was Mariah Carey’s“One Sweet Day” because I got goosebumps watching him. Question though – what is his chest tattoo? Claws? Feathers? Anyone? Bueller?
A couple more observations:
So former Olympians are doing Kohl’s commercials now? Really, Mia Hamm and Dara Torres? Olympians like saving money, too!
For the third week, ABC didn’t take my advice and ditch the “Twitter Nation” feed. Is that like Rhythm Nation? Regardless, now they’re just fueling misinformation. Viewers in the 50 and over demographic got to read things from Mary Fizz like: “THEY SOOOOO KISSED!!!!! GO DEREK!! #DWTS” and Genevieve Picyk tweeted: “Melissa Gilbert went from wholesome Anne of Green Gables to dancing sensation! She even overcame a broken back! What an icon! #DWTS”. Ok. Megan Follows was Anne of Green Gables, and I’m pretty sure she’d be pissed. And I don’t think the words “Melissa Gilbert” and “icon” belong together any more than “Jack Wagner” and “concert tour.”
All the “stars” cried or showed emotion, with the exception of William Levy and the Disney kid. Are you made of stone? Do you not bleed? Are you robots?!?!