A Real-Life Kiss-Off from “Mike the Magician”

I am not that into astrology, so imagine my surprise when I met this guy online who appeared normal but turned out to be WAYYY too into his psychic friends.  Let me explain.   “Mike” and I had hit if off electronically, exchanged some flirty e-mails, and were heading down the path to eventually meeting in person.  Apparently, my astrological sign was a deal breaker.  When he asked me what my sign was, I thought he was kidding, but apparently he wasn’t.  I have to admit, I’ve never been told that someone didn’t want to date me because I was a full-term baby, born in the wrong month.   Like I can control when my Mom’s water broke.  Puh-leeze.  Loser.

So, here’s an excerpt from the actual kiss-off letter.  I have to share because it’s just too damned amusing to keep to myself:

Ah, believe it or not, Aries was my third guess. I didn’t mention that, because I was hoping that it wasn’t! Yikes. It’s true . . . unfortunately.

Yep, I know it’s gonna sound stupid, but I have practically a Master’s degree in astrology based on years of reading and actual experience (field research) and I have a pretty good grasp of romantic compatibility between signs.

In fact, my mother is an Aries, and so that’s a sign I know very, very, very well.

Anyway, I hate to say it, but you and I are not compatible romantically. Here’s why: you need a very strong partner. I am just too mild-mannered of a guy for you. We don’t even need to go out on a date. This is just accurate.

Now, that said, we do make very good friends, and you should feel free to chat me up anytime at the email address that I gave you.

Also, let me give you a little unsolicited advice on Aries: you have a tendency to “over-give”, and give, and give to your friends and then hit the wall, and crash and then go, “hey, where is everyone now, why isn’t there someone to help me?” Now, this is partly a problem of yours. You shouldn’t overgive. It does force an obligation on others in a way. On the flip side, people should be more giving in general and should be there for you more. It’s true. But drop the expectation. You’ll be happier!

Another point, speaking about that “brick wall” is that Aries can be stubborn and can go back and smash her head into that brick wall over and over and over and over again . . . such as if a friend is treating them poorly, an Aries will go back for emotional abuse over and over, hoping they will wake up! It is that amazing capacity for hope, almost Polyanna-like [sic]. I love that trait in you, but you should try to protect yourself a bit more and be a bit more cynical or better yet, just pretend that you are weaker than you are! Baby yourself a bit more . . .

I’m sorry if I’m rambling. Bear with me!

I think Scorpio is a good match for Aries. Remember that they keep secrets, but they usually get caught. And they are classy which you will like. And they are strong men who take charge, and yet are sensitive at the same time (but they still may not give you as much caressing as you’d want, but they do provide the rock or safe harbor for your emotions.) They will likely have similar life values to your own (depending of course on life experience which can influence people – astrology is only one factor in the equation! But this is a good bet.)

Another good match is Capricorn. This is another strong sign, BUT they typically will have racist or off-color jokes (they aren’t really racist they just like the shock value they get by using the language) which may make you squirm, they like things black and white, and they are famous for road-rage. But they are dependable, down-to-earth people! Good people, salt of the earth. Maybe not one to raise kids with, but definitely a good date!

Anyway, my advice above is, of course, biased. My mom was married to a Scorpio for 30 yrs. She is dating a Capricorn now. I think some Aries date Virgo too, for the rich s*x life and for the ability to connect on mind-level and because Aries likes to toy with Virgos who typically have trouble dealing with emotions and social interaction. Anyway, that exhausts my knowledge on the subject!

It’s none of my business, but I’m a stranger, so there ya go: free advice, for what it’s worth.

Cheers, Mike

My response?

Dear Mike:  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You are a funny guy.  Good luck with your search, and with that Oedipal complex of yours.

NOTE: Mike is not a real magician, he just looks like one on the internet.  I think he works with computers.

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