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Photo courtesy of ABC

On the season finale of the Bachelor, Sean makes everyone cry: Catherine, Lindsay, himself… even his mother.

The three hour “Bachelor Finale Event” kicked off with a live studio audience and Chris Harrison, breathlessly reporting “late breaking” news about Sean’s quest for love.  Really, ABC?   How can it be breaking if it wrapped several months ago?

Sean arrives in Thailand with his lady loves and his family, who provide absolutely no assistance whatsoever in helping him choose his final lady.  Honestly, I have no idea why they shipped the two kids to Thailand on what had to be a ridiculously long flight.  The best line of the night, however, goes to Sean’s nephew (a/k/a the kid with the super fancy playhouse), who reminded Sean, “Emily didn’t pick you!”  Hilarious.

First up to meet the parents was Catherine.  The family that wears v-necks together, stays together.  Thankfully (for Catherine), they kept their pranks to themselves.  We learn that Catherine played football in sixth grade.  Sean’s dad is super sweet to Catherine, telling her if Sean picks her, he’ll be her biggest fan.  *cue the tears*

Next up was Lindsay, who was asked way more questions by Sean’s dad than Catherine was asked.  Lindsay held her own, and even asked Sean’s dad for Sean’s hand in marriage.  Sean’s dad said he and his wife had prayed every day for Sean’s wife ever since Sean was born, so basically 3-5 years before either woman was alive.  That’s …sweet?  *cue more tears*

Sean’s mom had some serious reservations about her son getting engaged so quickly, and on national television to boot.  She started crying, Sean got uncomfortable, and they took a walk before saying goodbye and sending them back to the U.S.  Way to snag a free trip to Thailand without doing any work. Some help they were!  Though, in all fairness, they probably replenished Sean’s stockpile of v-neck tees (which reached five this episode: purple, salmon, purple (again), black and heather gray). You’re welcome.

For the final dates, Sean pulled out all the stops and wore a teal tank top and red shorts to take Lindsay on a raft ride down a polluted river.  They imagined growing old together, and Sean said he could see her as a “hot old chick.”  What a sweet-talker!  Later that evening, they launched wish lanterns over the river with the words “love, happiness and family” scrawled on them, to add to the river’s ambiance.  Sean was really digging it, and said, “At this moment, I think she’s the one for me.”  And then that moment passed and he picked Catherine.  For reals.  I knew it was going to happen the minute I saw the date he’d set up for Catherine, where the two of them rode an elephant to a tree house with 360 degree views of Thailand.  Her date was WAY cooler.

Sean said he was searching for a sign with Catherine.  Well, I think he found it when they arrived for their date in plum tees.  Then, at dinner, they both wore black tops. Done and done!  Nerd love!

Catherine, who has a hard time “letting her guard down,” finally pulled a Lloyd Dobler and told Sean at the end of the date that she loved him.  She told him she loved him, and he said “Thank you for today.” THAT SUCKS. At least he didn’t give her a pen. (Two points for those who caught the “Say Anything” reference.)

The next morning, Sean awoke with clarity.  He knew to whom he wanted to propose, and his meeting with Neil Lane was easy breezy.  But reality hit hard when Lindsay stepped out of the limo first with her foot tats on full display.  Sean said he didn’t “plan on this.”  Didn’t plan on what?   Breaking up with someone who says she’s fallen in love with you?  It’s season 17, Sean.  Get with the program.  Lindsay was very confident that she was going to be his wife, and was totally blindsided when Sean gave her the big “B” – BUT in his speech.  At that point, she took her heels off (go girl!)  because he didn’t deserve to see her taller.  If it was me, I would’ve started unzipping my dress and changing into my sweatpants with the pizza guy on speed dial.

Then, it was Catherine’s turn.  Chris Harrison arrived on the scene, looking very grave, giving Sean THE LETTER.  It was the much-publicized, overly hyped letter, teased for weeks by Bachelor producers.  Who sent it?  Was it AshLee’s last-ditch effort to show how much “fun” she can be?  L.L. Bean offering him a sweet spokesman gig?  Sean’s mom begging him to stay single?  Nope, it was a love letter from Catherine.  Sean got teary-eyed reading it, and told her he didn’t want to say goodbye to her anymore.  *cue the tears* He gave her a massive Neil Lane sparkler, and they rode off on an elephant into the sunset.  Get ready to fold v-necks for the rest of your life, Catherine!

Next, it was on to the live “After the Final Rose” special.  Nothing terribly noteworthy here, other than Catherine saying it was obvious they were meant to be together when she got a glimpse of him in old age in Canada, with his white hair and eyebrows.  I suppose…

And that “late breaking news” from Sean?  They’re going to have their wedding televised on ABC.  Big shocker there.  You mean to tell me they want  a million dollar wedding featuring matching wedding bands courtesy of Neil Lane, wedding planning services by Mindy Weiss and flowers from Mark’s Garden?  I’d be more surprised if they were the first couple in Bachelor/Bachelorette history to forego the public nuptials.

Oh, and the next Bachelorette was announced.  It’s Desiree.  Hope her brother’s ready for his close-up.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back recapping “Dancing with the Stars” next week…

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Well, Bachelor fans, it’s that time. The week before the final episode, where all our burning questions are (not) answered.  Here’s what I want to know: what is a “born again virgin?” and where’s this Mystery Man to whom Tierra’s engaged (and how can we warn him)?  If he has eyes and a television that made the digital transition in 2009, then he should know what he’s getting into.

Here are a few of my observations from the show:

• There were no new shirtless shots of Sean. (Say that three times fast)
• Sean and Chris Harrison took their buddy movie on the road in something called a “Bachelor Party Van” to crash a bunch of high schoolers’ and one sorority house’s viewing parties.   For each event, Sean had a rose.  (Whom did he give it to?)  Chris Harrison threatened that they’ll be crashing “Bachelorette” viewing parties so be afraid, America. Be very afraid.
• Bachelor producers dropped all the last initials for the women, though Chris Harrison still referred to AshLee as “AshLee F.” As in, ”AshLee gets an F in the fun department.“
• Lesley (sans the M) called the show like she saw it, calling AshLee a control freak.  She also called bullshit on Tierra needing an “air tube” up her nose during one of her medical episodes.
• Community Organizer Brooke (who was shown the door the first night) tried to generate some controversy (read: get some air time) by siding with Tierra and suggesting the other ladies were just jealous that Tierra took advantage of extra “Sean Time” by stirring up drama in the house.  Way to “organize” your community, Brooke.
• We already knew Sean can’t drive stick shift from the bloopers on his date with Selma.  Tonight we learned he also can’t ride a bike, and took a handlebar to the balls.  So glad I DVR’d the show – I’ve watched it 17 times already.  It never gets old.
• Sean is unable to open a bottle of wine or champagne.

Tierra insists her sparkle is intact:

My favorite part of the show was when the director had to give Tierra explicit directions (on a map!) for how to enter the stage, probably because their insurance policy requires it now.  Tierra is still hopelessly disconnected to reality, making such statements as, “I light up in a room. When I walk into a room I bring this joy and smile, and I’m happy.”  You know what else she does? Seriously overestimate her impact on people.

She also said that she never bashed anyone on the show, and Chris Harrison didn’t call her out on it., which was pretty surprising.  The back and forth between Tierra and the ladies went on for a good 30 minutes.  Robyn called her delusional.  “I didn’t come here to make friends.” “Everyone was mean to me.” “Because you didn’t say good morning.” Gah!  AshLee was ready to go all Texas hoodrat on her ass. (Emily anyone? What’s she doing these days? Not “Dancing with the Stars.” Oh, snap!)

When asked if she had any regrets, Tierra said no, she couldn’t think of any off the top of her head.  When asked if she could work on her flaws, she pointed to her head and said, “Already have.  Spackled my dent.  Soooo ahead of you!” (Not really., but her dent was mysteriously absent.)  Tierra was unable to take any responsibility for herself while on the show, yet somehow was able to work in the fact that she was “Little Miss Nevada” as a child. Unbelievable.  The only sparkle I saw was on her ring finger.  Tierra was super cagey when asked about her fiancée and when she got engaged.  I’d really like Us Weekly to get to the bottom of this by the end of the week.  Please and thank you.  After the segment, Tierra was taken into protective custody and removed from the set for the remainder of the show.

One-armed Sarah is sweet and deserves to be happy:

Sarah teared up while watching the painful dumping (again) by Sean.  She said that she learned to be “open and vulnerable” by participating on the show.  She did give the hard sell for America’s Choice to be the next Bachelorette.  High schoolers across America are already campaigning, “Sarah 4 Bachelorette 2013!”

Desiree has moved on:

Desiree said she was going into the experience with “blind eyes” because she didn’t know what to expect going on the show.  Um, blinders, perhaps?  Looks like someone left their “Popular Cliches” booklet at home.

She admitted to Chris Harrison that her hometown date was the worst in Bachelor history, and she was probably right.  Des was the right amount of reflective and earnest – Anne Hathaway, are you paying attention?????

Des also said that in future relationships, she wouldn’t let her thoughts get in the way, and that she’s open to finding love.   Personally, I don’t think the breakup was all her brother’s fault. While still a douche, he’s not totally to blame.  If it’s true love, someone’s family member acting like an ass hat wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, you know?

AshLee clearly hasn’t and has a LOT to say about it:

While watching the “The Way They Were” montage AshLee was smiling so hard core, it was obvious she still has feelings for Sean.  Chris Harrison asked her about her leaving the show without saying a word.

Chris Harrison: “Were you just pissed?”

AshLee F.: “No, I wasn’t pissed.”

Chris Harrison: “You looked pissed.”

Clearly, the girl was pissed.  And wouldn’t you be, if someone told you things like you’re going to be BFFs with his sister? That’s where it should have stopped.  But it didn’t.  AshLee wanted answers, and she called Sean a frat boy.  She also told him that he should have run after her when he sent her home, and that, as a gentleman, he was obligated to do so.  By the way she looked at him at the elimination (leave me alone, you evil, evil mah-un!), it was pretty clear she wanted him to shrivel up and die. I’m sure whatever he did or didn’t do, she’d be upset about, it so it’s really a lose-lose situation for Sean.

Sean left his v-neck tees at home and opted for a suit:

Sean came onstage, saying he’ d been looking forward to speaking with AshLee.  Right. Like a fat kid looks forward to a root canal. He said AshLee was the frontrunner from Day One, but he wanted a home filled with laughter and he wasn’t having the laughs with AshLee.  (Upon reflection, it’s totally true. When not marveling how she overcame her abandonment issues and talking about what an amazing mah-un he was, we didn’t really see AshLee having any fun.  It was all, here’s the kind of ring I like and my size. We’re getting married on Saturday, wear your white v-neck and jazzy swim trunks. And don’t be late.

No, AshLee could not let it go.  She told Chris Harrison that Sean told her he didn’t have feelings for the other women.  Then she backtracked, and quoted Sean as saying that there was nothing between Sean and the other women.  Sean said he never said such a thing.  During the break, AshLee continued to insist he said all kinds of things in the fantasy suite that he denied.  What happens in the fantasy suite, stays in the fantasy suite.

Next week is the finale: Who will Sean pick? How many pranks will his family play on the unsuspecting women? And who gave Sean the letter that made him all misty-eyed? (I’m betting it’s one of the two ladies and not some big drama moment like ABC’s been teasing.)

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Not sure what’s in the water but everyone loves them some Sean! All of the women are saying they are either falling or are already in love with the Bachelor.  At the beginning of the episode, Sean sees himself building a life with each of the women. He calls Catherine “weird, nerdy and goofy” but says that’s what he’s into.  (The ultimate compliment!) “I need more silly in my life,” said the guy who went on reality TV to meet his future wife.

Of the three remaining women, Sean says his relationship with AshLee is the strongest.  Which, of course,  means he’s going to send her packing. That, my friends, is foreshadowing. Sean is seen contemplating his decision, frequently shirtless, while in the pool. Here’s Sean walking around shirtless. Here’s Sean looking pensive.  Snore.

The first overnight date was with Lindsay.  They rode a three-person scooter-powered golf cart, because nothing is more romantic than making out on a bench in Thailand, on television, next to the random dude steering your scooter 10 mph, the wind in your hair.  They arrived at an outdoor market where they thought about buying baby chicks dunked in fluorescent paint.  (There is nothing natural about neon green and hot pink baby chicks. Where’s PETA when you need them?)  Lindsay made the mistake of telling Bachelor producers she’d try anything but wouldn’t eat bugs.  Naturally, Sean and the diabolical producers decide it’d be the “perfect test” to see if she’d suck it up and eat bugs to prove her love for Sean.  Lindsay, probably having flashbacks of Selma refusing to jump in the lake and being sent home, ate two bugs. “It’s not that bad,” Sean kept saying.  Lindsay’s eyes were watering and she looked like she was going to gag.  Evidently, she “passed” his test, because he took her to buy some really tacky swim trunks for himself.  Sean told Lindsay she’s “the best friend I’ve been looking for.” Then they braided each other’s hair and made friendship bracelets.

Next, they went to Monkey Beach and fed the monkeys, who were a little put off by Sean’s ridiculously ugly swim trunks. (Can’t say I blame them.)  Lindsay changed into a weird bustier before dinner, because nothing says “take me back to the fantasy suite to chat all night long” like wearing your underwear to dinner.  Poor Lindsay tried all day to find the perfect opportunity to tell Sean she loves him but she kept getting interrupted by hungry monkeys or dancing ladies.

Sean told Lindsay he wanted “someone funny, compassionate and loving, I’ve wanted both those things.”  I’m not great at math, but I’m pretty sure he listed three things there.  (I’m only mentioning this because in the credits, Sean and Catherine did math together “for fun.”)

The second overnight date was with AshLee.  Clearly, she didn’t get the memo that this was a date, not a car wash.  The mesh netting top was a little …um… dated. Sean took her to a cave, which, of course, brings up abandonment issues for AshLee.  (What doesn’t at this point?) “I’m more vulnerable than I’ve ever been in my life,” she said. Really, AshLee?  You have a floaty thing to hold onto and Sean. What more do you need?  “I don’t do caves.” Well, neither do I, but we know what happens if you don’t play along. Ask Selma.

AshLee keeps making metaphors for their cave exploration and how it compares to real life. “I have to be vulnerable, I have to let go. You have to feel around in the dark and trust… blah, blah, blah.”  It wasn’t all that scary. Essentially, it’s the equivalent of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride at Disneyland.  When they emerged from the cave, they found themselves on a private beach that’s only accessible through the cave, which is a metaphor for…oh, forget it. I’m bored.

At dinner, Sean and AshLee marvel about how they’re still single. AshLee wants to reassure Sean she’s ready for the next level. “I don’t take getting engaged lightly,” said the woman who got married before homecoming and divorced by prom.

They are on the same page about expectations for the evening – a sleepover with lots of chatting.  She’s so confident, in fact, AshLee talks about the kind of ring she wants and even gives him her ring size.

Sean: “Let’s stay up all night talking and roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories.”

AshLee: “ Ohmigod, I totally want to organize your closets and iron your shirts 4 EVER.”

Catherine had the final overnight date and they explored the islands in an old timey boat.  Sean sees Catherine as his best friend, too, but their lives are the most different of the remaining women.

Catherine said she was in a long-term relationship but was scared of commitment, which should totally bode well for this one. She told Sean that her sisters don’t know how ready for commitment she is and they’re just jealous.  After chatting for a bit, they “make the leap” literally and figuratively off the side of the boat and go snorkeling.  Then a storm pops up and they move their makeout session from the ocean to the boat.  They’re making out in the rain! You know what that means! They’re wet!

Sean changed out of his white cotton v-neck tee into a white Oxford button down for dinner because he’s fancy.  He tells Catherine that he can see himself marrying her, and that she gets him better than anyone else.  Catherine said before she came on the show, she said “no way” would she go to the fantasy suite.  She wants to be seen as a lady, but now decides, screw it, it’s more important to spend time together.  Catherine tells Sean that she didn’t think a boy like him (a “beefy hunk”) would like a girl like her (a girl once teased for being chubby).  He called her “smokin’ hot” and said he’s the lucky one. She said she fell in love with Sean on their date and said she now knows they’re meant to be together. Must’ve be some date!

The day of the rose ceremony, Sean woke up certain of his decision on who to send home.  This decision, he said, was harder than sending Desiree home last week. (That’s gotta make her feel awesome.)

As the women arrive for the final rose ceremony, and to prolong the decision making process, Chris Harrison has Sean listen to the personal video messages, even though his decision has been made. Sean consults the pictures, picking each up to gather something (strength? power? cajones?) from them.

Lindsay’s video recapped all their dates for him. “I met you in a wedding dress, and maybe I’ll be wearing one again for you.”

Catherine called him a “megahunk” in her video, and said she was falling in love with him, and that he gave her the “wiggles.” (?)

AshLee’s video, by far, was the most Dramatic. Personal Video. Ever. “I can’t imagine one day without you. I can’t imagine walking away and not having you as my partner for life…. I believe that together we are whole.”  She got super emotional in her video and it was clearly making Sean uncomfortable. “Because of who you are to me, I know that I am no longer broken. And for that, I will always love you.”

While watching AshLee’s video, Sean looked like he’d just swallowed another bug. A big one. Not covered in chocolate.

It was raining when the women arrived at the last rose ceremony.  Clearly, it’s God’s tears, because AshLee was sent home.  (She was totally pissed, btw, walking out without saying goodbye to anyone.)  Sean didn’t help matters when he said he wanted to give her closure but failed to give her a reason for letting her go.  He said he thought it was her from the beginning, and that their relationship was intense.  In the limo, AshLee said, “This wasn’t about laughter and joking and having fun.”  Maybe that was part of it?

In the end, Lindsay and Catherine got roses. Next week is the “Women Tell All” show from “the most dramatic season ever,” according to Chris Harrison.  Then, in two weeks, Sean’s family meets the final two women.  And he debuts a new plaid shirt.  So, we have that to look forward to. And apparently Sean gets a letter from someone on the day of The Proposal, and he gets misty-eyed. And pensive.

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Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s hometown week, where the Bachelor spends a day getting to know the hometowns and families of his four ladyloves.

First up is AshLee in Houston, Texas, whose date was sponsored by L.L. Bean. Seriously, she and Sean sported plaid shirts straight out of the catalog, pages 14 and 39, respectively.  They bonded over the fact that both of their dads were pastors.  AshLee said, “I don’t want something so perfect to be spoiled.” Oh, AshLee. Don’t you know such proclamations are the Kiss of Death on this show?  The pair meet up with her adoptive parents at a picnic table and are asked about their adventures. AshLee brought her adoption up (again) when discussing the Polar Bear Plunge. How, you ask? She left her insecurities in the water. Except for the times she trots them out periodically throughout the show.  I will admit, it was sweet when her dad choked up talking about her adoption.

There was a lot of “guard and protecting hearts” talk this episode.  I think the ladies might need Kasey and his spiffy tattoo as a visual reminder.

Next up was Catherine, who took Sean to Pike’s Place Market where they each caught fish thrown from the market guys.  Sean went behind the counter to catch fish, which makes me question health standards there.  Then it was Catherine’s turn. The crowd chanted, “Easy for Catherine!” and the guys started whipping fish at her. Catherine dropped one. “It’s slippery!” she exclaimed.  “It’s fish!” a guy yelled. Yep, riveting stuff.

Then they did other Seattle-y things, like make a wish on a piggy bank. Blow bubbles. Visit a photo booth. Catherine educates Sean on Filipino traditions so he doesn’t make an ass of himself in front of her family.  Sean put on an apron and made dinner with her family.  Sean visits with Catherine’s sisters, and they tell him she’s messy and has extreme mood swings.  Sean was a little concerned at that point.  He then started angling for the whole “Do I have your approval to propose to your daughter” speech with Catherine’s mom, and she deflected like a champ.  It was not a stellar date.

After another commercial break, it was Lindsay’s turn to bring Sean home to Missouri to meet her two-star general dad.  Sean loves her “youthful energy,” but I think that would get old after a year or two. Can you imagine someone in their 60s like that? Lindsay takes Sean on a tour to the “funniest antique shop” where – surprise – nothing funny happened. They continued their stroll down the street and Lindsay’s like, “Oh, I used to work here!” Either she’s a dingbat or she’s playing the ditz card – HARD.

They stop to have cupcakes and beer, because nothing settles your stomach before meeting a two-star general like cupcakes and beer.  Sean is really concerned about what to call her dad. General? Mark? General Mark? (They settle on Mr. Yenter.)

Lindsay makes Sean dress up in an Army mock turtleneck and do pushups in the park. (Since when does the Army issue dickies?)  Sean meets Lindsay’s family, and her mom warms right up to him. Lindsay’s family is not surprised at all when she tells them that she wore a wedding dress the first night they met.  I’m guessing they’re used to these types of shenanigans.

Her dad (we’ll call him General McDad) has the standard military haircut, straight out of central casting.  He’s spent 31 years in the military.

Sean asks for General McDad’s blessing and he’s like, “Are you asking me for my blessing now?” Sean’s like, “yeah.” General McDad looks serious as he makes a paratrooper analogy and sort of gives a blessing.  It was the Most. Dramatic. Blessing request. Ever!

The final hometown date is with Desiree and her family in Los Angeles.  Des takes Sean hiking because that’s the kind of girl she is, and Sean is impressed because “this is her in her natural element.” Did I just switch to Animal Planet or what?  They arrive at a house in Los Angeles. Apparently bridal styling is quite lucrative. Either that, or she lives with her parents.

Ding, dong! The doorbell rings. Who’s at the door? Surprise! Her “ex-boyfriend” magically appears to confess his love to her. “I love you! Where’ve you been?” he asks. “I’ve been busy,” she answers, awkwardly gesturing at Sean.  And boyfriend guy is all, “Don’t be with this guy! This isn’t real!” and Sean’s like, “Is this guy giving you trouble, little lady?” And Des is like, ummm… and it’s time for a commercial break.

So then, Des is like, “Sean I have something to tell you.” It’s a prank! She hired an actor to get back at Sean for pranking her on their first date.

Sean is relieved, and is glad to meet her parents and brother, Nate.  Her dad was really dressed up for the occasion, wearing his favorite hoodie.  Nate was pretty skeptical about the whole thing and questioned Sean’s feelings for his sister. I get being protective, but making judgments about someone else’s life decisions probably isn’t something someone with chest/wrist/arm tattoos should be doing.

Nate calls Sean a playboy, which gets Sean all riled up and they return to a very awkward dinner.  God love him, Des’ dad starts talking about the weather, because nothing defuses tension like fun facts about weather patterns in California (“did you know we get four seasons?”).

We check back in with Sean as he’s getting dressed in his massive Bachelor closet. (Thanks for the gratuitous shirtless shot, ABC!) Sean is very confused. He says he sees a future with AshLee and Lindsay but has questions about Catherine and Des.  At the rose ceremony, Sean tells the women he’s not sure who he’s going to say goodbye to EVEN AS HE’S SPEAKING.  Which scares the hell out of Des, so she pulls him aside to apologize again for her brother’s rude behavior. “It’s not you, it’s your brother,” Sean tells her.

He gives roses to AshLee and Lindsay, but has to take a break because he’s still confused. After pondering his final decision in the “Deliberation Room,” he gives the last rose to Catherine.  Um, something tells me family dinners are going to be awkward for awhile at Des’ house.  There’s only so much weather-talk one can take! Sean says he’s been “praying for clarity” and this is the first time he hasn’t gotten it. Riiiiight.  Because God is totally invested in this season of “The Bachelor.”

Best line of the night (in the outtakes after the show): “How am I going to get this in my mouth?” Lindsay to Sean, eating cupcakes. She’s so ditzy!

Continue reading »]]> Happy Valentine’s Day!

Size is not actual. Big bummer.

I saw these Create-Your-Own Large Conversation Hearts when I was at the grocery store over the weekend and instantly knew I couldn’t pass it up.  It was to be my Valentine’s Day project. Darn things are way too small.  I couldn’t fit “I prefer chocolate over your penis any day of the week” on the “large” conversation hearts.  Looks like someone isn’t being truthful about size.

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Sean broke the rules (again) and traveled with the ladies to St. Croix, Virgin Islands.  The girls explored their accommodations just like they always do, “omg!” “Look at the view!” “It smells so new!” Wait, what?  Never before in Bachelor history have the words “it smells so new” been uttered in a hotel room, ever.

The first one-on-one went to AshLee.  Tierra couldn’t hide her jealousy, and called her a cougar, but AshLee let this one roll right off her back. She was on a date with her dream man/future husband!

Sean and AshLee strip down to their swimsuits, and AshLee (of course) talks again about how vulnerable she is. (Way to edit to the crotch shot, ABC!)

“I just know how well we could fit into each other’s lives,” AshLee sighs, and she should know. She’s a professional organizer, after all.  Girl gets paid to make things fit!

During their date, Sean asks about the drama in the house and AshLee lets it all out, calling Tierra “Pouty Pants.” Sean nods solemnly, like the words “Pouty Pants” are part of the Dallas vernacular.  Then they proceed to make out on the beach and in the water, a la “From Here to Eternity.”  As they sit at dinner, Sean asks if there’s anything else he should know. AshLee gets very uncomfortable and then reveals her DEEP. DARK. SECRET. Are you ready for it? Because she REALLY dragged it out. Like, to the point that I thought she was going to say she was a man until 2006. Nope, nothing that scandalous. She got married when she was a 17-year-old junior and was divorced by the senior prom. Um… ok? I don’t see what the big deal was. It’s not like she’s still married or has a third nipple. No extra explanation necessary.

AshLee is so relieved that Sean accepted her secret, that she screams her feelings for Sean into the ocean. (What’s up with ladies this season emoting from mountaintops and oceans? The people who stay at the nice hotel are paying a lot of money to get a good night’s sleep and probably don’t want to hear “I LOVE SEAN!” multiple times in a taping. I hope they at least got free Wifi or fruit cocktail sent to their rooms.)

AshLee is starting to get a little too serious, y’all: “I love this man and I’ll never stop telling him that.”  Well, yeah, you probably will, sister. When he sends your ass home in a few weeks. (I mean, come on. She’s sweet, but they won’t wind up together.)

The second one-on-one date went to Tierra the Tierrable.  She was excited she got the date for all of five seconds. When she discovered she wasn’t getting a “water date” and instead would be exploring the downtown area with him, she started bitching about the bugs and the heat melting her makeup.  Sean bought her an eternity bracelet (what does it mean, when her ass gets sent home the next day? Is nothing sacred?!?!) and an ugly shell necklace and she pretends to be as sweet as pie.  Sean asks Tierra what the deal was with all the drama at the house and Tierra straight up says with a straight face that she’s really tried to get involved with all the other girls but they ignore her, so she spends time on her cot in the other room. (She just described the plot points of “Cinderella.”) Sean asks if she would act differently with the other women if she had a chance and she said no, that they wouldn’t be around for much longer. Then she slips up and said she was behind in “the game.” I think she takes the cake as the least self-aware contestant in Bachelor history.  At dinner, Tierra tells Sean she’s falling in love with him, and hopefully he’ll come visit her in the hospital the next time she inevitably falls down the stairs (not really).

The next day was the group date, which will go down as the most laid-back, drama-free date in Bachelor history. Sean wakes Catherine, Desiree and Lindsay up at 4:42 a.m.  by taking Polaroids of them (without makeup!) to watch the sunrise. Then they spend the day petting a horse, drinking at a café and checking out a treehouse. Sean talks to Lindsay during their one-on-one time and reflects about their first kiss and how that was when he “discovered her depth.” Yep, she’s about as deep as a kiddie pool.

During Catherine’s one-on-one time, she confides that if Sean comes to meet her family, her father won’t be there because he lives in China and has been battling depression, and attempted suicide in front of her and her siblings when she was 14.

Perhaps sensing Catherine’s closeness with Sean, Desiree brought out the waterworks, telling Sean that she really wanted him to meet her family because “family is everything to me.” She said she wants to be like her parents – simple and happy. She basically compared their love to Forrest Gump. I’m sure they loved that.  Lindsay got the rose and the group waited for the sunset until almost dark before realizing they missed it – dang clouds!

Lesley had the final one-on-one. Although they had chemistry from the beginning, things have been slower with Lesley (BUT THEY SET A WORLD RECORD FOR KISSING!). Lesley confides to the camera that she’s falling in love with Sean and wants to tell him but can’t find the right time, which is the KISS OF DEATH. They go fruit picking and stop to have a picnic where neither one eats anything. She starts talking about how she wants to have crazy passion in a relationship, but then flakes out and suggests they pick more fruit because, c’mon, did you SEE those avocados? Lesley loves how Sean smizes (for those who don’t watch “America’s Next Top Model,” smize = smiling with your eyes. Google it. Tyra’s fierce!)

The next day, Sean’s sister Shay arrives to help him sort out his feelings. The one piece of advice she gave him before the show was, “Don’t wind up with the girl nobody likes.” (Ta-ta Tierra!) As Sean is having some nice family time with his sister, Tierra tries to confront AshLee about what she told Sean.  AshLee said Tierra’s character is “rude” and Tierra, of course, denies that she is. Then she told AshLee everyone in the house was talking about her, which wasn’t true. AshLee said every time the other women tried to include her, Tierra would ignore them, or make a face, or stare blankly. Tierra, incredulous, says the best five words of the night: “I can’t control my eyebrow!” Tierra then starts telling everyone that girls are just jealous! Men love her! No one is going to take away her Sparkle. NO ONE.  (“This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine!”)

Meanwhile, Sean decides now would be the perfect time to introduce Shay to Tierra. He comes to the house to find … Tierra “crying” hysterically on her cot. No tears came out of her eyes. Sean FINALLY grew a sack and sent Tierra packing after her latest snit fit. He told her he cared too much for her to see her going through these hard times and perhaps it was best if she leave. He escorted her to the blue minivan and said goodbye. She said something snooty and resumed the fake crying/eye wiping, etc. “I can’t believe they DID this to ME!” she wailed.  (Did anyone else hear “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” music in their heads? Or was it just me?)

At the cocktail party – Sean announced there was not going to be a cocktail party. He sent Lesley home.  After the rose ceremony, AshLee starts spouting crazy-talk, like “this rose tells me I can trust.” “This is my husband.” “Love does conquer all.” Puh-leeze. We know next week you’re going to be fighting through your vulnerability.  It’s like “Groundhog Day” all over again.

Hometown dates are next week, and Sean will be meeting Lindsay’s, Desiree’s, Catherine’s and AshLee’s families.  Here’s what we have to look forward to: AshLee and Sean walking through a meadow with a small dog in a Summer’s Eve commercial and Desiree’s brother picks a fight with Sean. Riveting times!

The 30 seconds at the end is fast becoming my favorite part of the show. Sean showed Lesley a picture of him participating in his family’s annual tradition “Jammy Cocoa Christmas” – where the entire family dons Forever Lazy adult pj’s, they drink cocoa, look at Christmas lights…and, oh, he sucks his thumb. (Yep, that’s the man they’re all fighting over.)

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Photo courtesy of ABC

Pack your bags, the group is going on a world-wide journey to find love and it starts in…Montana?!?  Really?  Yep.  The date cards come and there are three dates: one group date, a 1-on-1 and a 2-on 1, all featuring Sean the self-proclaimed “outdoorsy guy.”  Be sure to check yourself for ticks.

Tierra says she should get the 1-on-1 because “she deserves it.”  What she “deserves” is a good ass-kicking.  So irritating.  Tough luck, Tierra, cuz substitute teacher Lindsay got it instead.  Sean packed an extra flannel and Henley and they rode in a “badass” helicopter to tour Glacier National Park.

Sean wants to find out if she could be his wife on their date because of course these real life conversations are had on a “date of a lifetime” with television cameras along to capture every moment.

After the tour they had a picnic on an Indian reservation (how was that allowed?) and cozied up under a dead deer head on a bearskin rug.  During their cuddle-time, Lindsay used the word adolescence twice in the same sentence. (Another Bachelor record!) Lindsay scored the rose because their personalities are “gelling together.” (Anyone else thinking Dr. Scholl’s?)  But wait, there’s one more surprise.  Sean and Lindsay slow-dance awkwardly on stage in the middle of the Whitefish town square while a crowd of people pretend to be excited/care about the show.  “He likes me,” Lindsay swoons.  Um, yeah.  But he’s dating 10 other girls. So there’s that.

Next up is the group date with Selma, AshLee, Desiree, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella.  Another day, another flannel.  The girls are decked out in winter duds, and Selma looks like a poor-man’s psychic with her ear warmers.

The group walks to a clearing to find…a goat. Someone, I’m thinking Daniella, asked if they were dogs. Um, no.  You can’t milk dogs.  The women were split into teams to compete in an outdoorsy competition such as baling hay and milking goats.  One-armed Sarah dominated in the hay bales and Desiree chugged goat milk like a champ to win the extra time with Sean for the red team.   (Warning: Goat milk is unpasteurized and can contain salmonella and E. coli.)  Sean’s cute and all, but I wouldn’t drink raw milk and risk the runs.

Sean likes to bend the rules, so he sent Chris Harrison over to the house invite the losing blue team back on the date. If I was Desiree, I’d be PISSED.  She chugged warm, unpasteurized goat milk for nothing.

Another thing has become painfully obvious to the women (or at least, me). Daniella doesn’t know how to use the word “literally” properly in a sentence.  “The girls are literally going to die when we show up.”  A girl can dream.

Meanwhile, Tierra writes furiously in her journal about how unfair it is that she didn’t get the 1-on-1 date that took place TWO DAYS AGO.  She’s so needy she says she must find Sean immediately “ to find out where his head’s at.” (His head, along with the rest of his body, is on a date with eight other women.)  Tierra, in true stalker fashion, steals him away from the other women for a quick chat, and returns home so proud for putting one over on the ladies.

During their chat, AshLee throws every Bachelor cliché at Sean: “At the end of the day…this is a fairytale…an amazing person to share these moments with…I have this, like, soul connection with you.  I can’t put it into words. There’s something in his eyes that makes me feel protected with him.” Blerg.

Daniella sees Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap and loses it.  Because there’s nothing a guy loves more than an emotional basketcase.  Oh, wait.  I guess they do because Sean gave her the rose.  Seriously?  Does he NOT SEE how he’s being manipulated? It’s getting embarrassing.  Literally.

Tierra and Jackie have the 2-on-1 date, and Tierra cannot stop congratulating herself for sneaking out the night before to “get a head start” on the date.  Sean wants to know if Jackie can be his best friend.  They go horseback riding and Jackie’s horse is super slow, which is kind of like their relationship, because I had no idea she was on the show.

Jackie pulls a Kacie B and tattles on Tierra, telling Sean that Tierra flirted with a guy at the airport.  Sean applauds Jackie for being “real and genuine” and rewards her real-ness with a one-way ticket home.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect a rose.

The trio have dinner at the lodge and awkwardly drink wine.   Sean says he knows being with Tierra would involve a lot of drama, and Jackie is a good person and will love him.  So, of course, he goes with Tierra.  Tierra says she “has the biggest heart.” She told a sob story about how she stuck with her ex during his stints in rehab until he died three years ago.  Like that’s supposed to give her a pass for the rest of her life.  Too bad they didn’t go fishing because Sean fell for her bullshit hook, line and sinker.   Tierra was rewarded (again) for her shitty behavior with a fireworks show.

Can’t he get rid of her already?

At the rose ceremony, Tierra shoots daggers at all the women (again/still).  Robyn finally confronts her and calls Tierra out on her bullshit (being fake when the cameras are on and Sean’s around and ignoring everyone when they’re not.)

To which Tierra retorts, “I don’t care what people say at the end of the day.”  (Again, bullshit.  She totally cares.)  You got it, Tierra. Everyone’s super jealous of you.  Sean walks through the room when Tierra’s in mid-rant and says, “I will bite. I’m a Scorpio and my stinger comes out when I’m pissed.”  Sean is “blown away” to see Tierra lashing out.  Um, hello?  Everyone has been telling you this since Day One. He says this directly affects him and if people see something, they should say something.  They have, Sean. And you’ve sent them ALL HOME. If you’re that dim, I cannot help you.

Tierra says “the girls are attacking me.”  Sean asks for specifics and, of course, she can’t give any. “I’m not a drama person at all.”  Newsflash: When someone says that, that usually means they are batshit crazy.

Sean asks Lesley to break it down for him, which she tries to do, but is hesitant to do so because of the track record for women who warn him about Tierra.  (He sends those bitches home, yo!)  I wish he’d just sack up and snatch that rose from Tierra’s grubby little paws.

Lindsay, Daniella, Tierra, Selma, Catherine, Lesley M, AshLee, Sarah and Desiree all get roses, while Robyn and Jackie were sent home.

We got a “sneak peek” of future dates, which will include a trip to the Canadian Rockies, a date in an ice castle, and, of course Tierra getting hurt and crying a lot. Oh, and Sean makes out with a lot of women.  Let’s hope things get better, because the most entertaining part of the show for the past two weeks were the bloopers: last week, when Sean couldn’t drive stick with Selma, and tonight, when he couldn’t chop a piece of wood to save his life.  As my friend Catherine suggests, Sean should surrender his man card at the end of the season.  Or at least exchange it for an Eddie Bauer gold card.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when someone gets hospitalized (again).  My vote is for Tierra to float away on a chuck of ice, never to return.  Fingers crossed!

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Week 4, and there are already declarations of “I want to spend the rest of my life with him” among the women.  Yep, sounds about right.  Chris Harrison doesn’t help matters when he announces that Sean is confident his wife is among the 13 ladies that remain in the house.

A shirtless Sean (in his skivvies, no less!) begins the show talking about how this week, he’s focused on making sure the women trust him.  He says this with a straight face.

Selma gets the first date, and says she can’t wait to “take it to the next level.”

Meanwhile, Leslie H. is starting to lose it.  She wants Sean to “see she has a heart and is there for the right reasons.”  Wow!  Two Bachelor-isms in one!  But, alas, she sits at home while Selma and her magical tank tops go out with Sean.  I don’t understand why she chose to wear two tank tops and yoga pants on her date, but I’ve given up trying to understand the show at this point.  Sean picks her up in a limo and they drive to an airport and board a private jet (promotional consideration provided by Bluestar Jets) while Selma continues to spout tired Bachelor sayings like, “Is this really happening?”  “I feel like I’m dreaming. It’s beyond everything I ever imagined” and “I feel like a princess in a castle.”  For a second there, I thought she was a doll where you pull the string and it talks.  I can see the box now: “Sexy Selma! Now with THREE phrases!”

They arrive in the desert and Selma starts sweating.  Surprise!  They’re going rock climbing in Joshua Tree National Park.  Selma is unimpressed to say the least.  She keeps repeating that she doesn’t do well in heat and she’s scared of heights, too.  This should be fun.

There’s a lot of grunting and swearing (from Selma. Sean doesn’t use curse words.)  But, she did it! Her feelings for Sean propelled her to the top of the rock. (Seriously, she said that he gave her the courage and adrenaline to do it.  So much for sisters doin’ it for themselves.) “I’m sitting on top of the world, “ said Jugs McGhee, as she was sitting with Sean on top of the mountain.  They get freshened up to hang out after, and – surprise #2 – there’s a campfire outside a couple trailers in the middle of the desert! So romantical!  (I think they’re the same ones from Blakeley and Tony’s “Bachelor Pad” date.)  Selma tries to make the most of it and asks Sean why he’s still single.  Sean said he’d had one serious relationship after college but she wanted to get married but he wasn’t ready.  Selma said she was born in Baghdad and grew up in a strict home where dating is done in private.  She then explains that she can’t kiss him as it’s against her religion. (Not really, but her mom would be PISSED.)  When she talked about her strict upbringing and her parents’ disapproval of her being on the show, she actually whispered, because rocks have ears and we all know coyotes can’t keep a secret worth a damn.

Apparently Selma’s not willing to kiss him until she’s the only one left.  Sean seems to be OK with this and gives her the rose.  Selma goes on about how her “fairy tale is just beginning” and that “Sean is her Prince Charming.”  Queen O’Blueballs is very pleased with herself.  We’ll see how long this “no kissing” thing lasts.

The second date card arrives, and it’s a group date, where the girls are expected to “roll with the punches.” Lindsay takes this quite literally, believing they will roll down the hill in a giant hamster ball. (Really? You got a hamster ball from that?)  Nope, it’s roller derby.  The girls will be split into teams, re-learn where their center of gravity is, and eventually have a bout.  One-armed Sarah was having a rough time but decided to participate anyway.  Fit model Amanda tells everyone that she’s played before and relishes “getting into everyone’s head.”  Karma comes back and bites her in the ass – she brags about how she’s killin’ it and lands on her chin.  At least she’s a fit model and not a face one.  A medic/producer asks how she’s feeling and she has trouble opening her jaw.  Hope she signed a waiver!  For the second week in a row, a Bachelor contestant has to seek medical attention.  (What a bunch of wusses!)  The producers chicken out and cancel the bout, and a junior high-style free skate is held instead.  (Roller derby is serious, yo.  Check out my roller derby experience here.)

Later, the group sans Amanda heads to a rooftop bar.  Tierra resumes her perch staring daggers at all the women.  Tierra says she doesn’t want a sympathy rose.  Amanda comes back from the hospital without any injuries.  She wants the sympathy card and plans to milk her face plant for all its worth.  “I feel like I can’t talk,” she tells Sean.  Ok, so STOP TALKING.

Since it’s been 5 minutes and she can’t sit still and play by herself, Tierra starts stirring up drama, which is ironic considering she says she’s above the drama but her eyes say she’s thisclose to losing her shit.  Robyn refers to Amanda’s team members and inadvertently doesn’t mention Tierra, which is Just. Too. Much. For. Tierra.  Tierra storms off and says she wants to leave the show.  Meanwhile, Sean’s making out with Lindsay.  Tierra starts sobbing, with the ugly cry/snort. “I can’t be tortured like this!” *snort* *sniffle* *snort*

An oblivious Sean and Lindsay bound down the stairs to the hot tub in their swimsuits, and Tierra hides behind the door and jumps out a la Jennifer Jason Leigh in “Single White Female.”  Her obnoxious tactic worked and he REWARDS her shitty, manipulative behavior with a rose.

The last date card went to Leslie H.  Sean arrives wearing a plaid flannel shirt under a vest (!) and gives Leslie H diamond earrings to wear on their date. “Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess,” Sean says, and we all know where this is going.  He drives a fancy car and takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive.  So basically they’re reliving the “Pretty Woman” scenes where the guy treats the prostitute to some nice clothes and a purse.  They go to Badgley Mischka (“every girl’s dream!) to pick out a dress, followed by a trip to Neil Lane for a loaner 120 carat diamond necklace. (Frankly, I’m surprised a 300-pound bodyguard didn’t accompany them on the rest of their short date.)

Leslie H is gaga for Sean.  She drank the Kool-Aid and says when she looks at Sean she sees her future husband.  At dinner, Leslie H says communication and trust are key to a relationship.  Sean (again) waxes poetic about his wonderful family.  Then, Leslie made a terrible mistake.  She told Sean her parents divorced when she was 5.  Cue the brakes, Sean!  Apparently, in Sean’s world, coming from a broken home is a dealbreaker.  Sean, always the master of mixed signals, grabs the rose, and breaks Leslie H’s heart by saying he doesn’t like her like that.  Why does he grab the rose while he breaks up with the woman?  He did that last week to Kacie B and this week to Leslie H.  “I’m sorry, I just can’t give you the rose.”  But apparently he’ll beat you with it, though.  Sean walks her to the car, where he awkwardly removes the million dollar necklace from her neck.  At least she gets to keep the earrings.

The next night at the cocktail party, Sean and AshLee have a Willie Nelson moment – ‘cuz she’s always on his mind!  (Get it?) Robyn tries her best pickup line on Sean.  She tries to be all sexy when she asks, with a piece of a chocolate in her hand, but it comes out fast and has the opposite effect. “Sean, do you like chocolate? Do you like the taste of chocolate? Do you wanna taste the chocolate? Which chocolate do you want to taste?” He laughed and then kissed her.

Meantime, back on the couch, the girls are talking shit about Tierra, and Tierra starts talking shit about the other girls.  Tierra makes a fake apology (it’s fake because she led off with an apology to Robyn and another girl but proceeds to call them out for their “wrongs.” “I’ve learned to accept you for you.”  Uh, thanks?

Catherine makes her first appearance on the show and gives Sean an index card with a lipstick kiss on it.  They talk about how much fun they have together, which is remarkable since I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her before.

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean says he has real feelings, which surprises him, as he explains that he “had no idea [he’d] feel this way so quickly” – um, wasn’t he on the show last season?  Amanda’s rose ceremony look is very Viola Swamp/“Miss Nelson is Missing” – her lip color was pretty heinous.  Apparently, fit models don’t get makeup lessons. One-armed Sarah’s fishtail braid is impressive, though I’m pretty sure she had some help.  Everyone but Amanda gets a rose.  Her heart is bruised, to match her face.

Next week, be sure to tune in to the two-night event – complete with helicopter rides, another Tierra breakdown, and a record third trip to the hospital.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Blair_25 under a Creative Commons license.

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Important things are happening on the Bachelor, y’all!  Like, world records are being SHATTERED.  This is serious stuff, people.

The episode begins with a shirtless Sean working out shirtless in his private shirtless gym.  ABC clearly knows which side its bread is buttered on!  Sean’s “digging a lot of women” and can’t wait for the two one-on-one dates and the group date.  Not everyone’s getting a date this week, so you know there will be drama among the ladies.

Spunky Robyn dreams about receiving the date card, telling producers, “I want the date card to say ‘Robyn, Let’s ditch these bitches and go fall in love for real.’” Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

Lesley M is the lucky lady, and as she prepares for her date, she wheels her luggage to the front door just in case she doesn’t receive a rose and has to leave the show immediately.  Um, her bag was the size of a carry-on.  C’mon, girl – you’re not wearing a potato sack to all these rose ceremonies! My handbag is larger than your suitcase.  I’m calling bullshit on that one, Lesley M!

Sean arrives to pick up Lesley M sporting his “uniform” (a blue-green plaid shirt).   They take a limo to the Hollywood Guinness World Records Museum, a/k/a the museum that time forgot, where they saw a photo display celebrating the man who ate a bike!  The tallest man!  The smallest woman!  Then Sean reveals why he really brought her there: to brag about his dad’s world record of driving the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time (97 hours, 7 minutes).   Just kidding! Sean wanted to carry on the family tradition.  They’re going to go for the longest on-screen kiss in front of hundreds of people.  Both were blushing profusely, as Sean tells the cameras, “I think it’s safe to say that this date has the potential to go down in the record books!”   Barf.

The record is 3 minutes, 15 seconds.  A rather stern British guy presented the rules: Their lips must be attached at all times.  That’s it.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1…and they’re off!  Lesley M’s shoulders kept bouncing up and down and she’s laughing the entire time at how ridiculous it was.  She also chose the worst possible dress to wear to break a world’s record (it barely covered her butt).  The Guinness creeper guy’s official job was to make sure their lips didn’t separate.  They did it!  The rosacea twins did it!  They broke the record and got a plaque that magically was ready ahead of time! Hooray!

After their date activity, Lesley M talked up how in love her parents are and how rad it is that they’re still in love.  Lesley M also talked about how she loved “every second of junior high.”  Right.  Because all self-professed nerds had a rockin’ time in junior high.  Sean and Lesley M were “blown away” at “how rare” it is that they’ve “connected so quickly” so, of course, Lesley M got a rose.  They kissed and got two confetti showers in one date!  Another Bachelor record!

Next up was the group date.  Twelve girls playing beach volleyball in bikinis to compete for time with Sean.   Sean greeted the ladies in a turquoise tank top, which they ask him to remove immediately, and he (of course) obliges. (What is with the blue-green obsession, Sean?)

This is Daniella’s “worst nightmare.”  Um, I can think of lots of other things that are worse than being forced to play beach volleyball, like a food challenge on “The Amazing Race.”  But, it’s “literally” her worst nightmare.  (Side note: I  don’t think she understands the true meaning of “literally.”)  Taryn builds the activity up big-time, calling it “the most important game of [her] life.”  (Clearly, she’s never read “The Hunger Games.”) The blue team wins, Kristy starts bawling and Daniella’s worst fears were (literally) realized.  It was a sad trip home to the mansion, that’s for sure.

Lindsay tells Sean he’s everything she’s looking for.  Sean tells her he’s impressed with her.  (Note for future contestants: wear a wedding dress and get trashed the first night and it can only go up from there!)

Creepy Starer/Fit Model Amanda’s competitive juices are flowing and she proclaims she has what it takes to win Sean’s heart.  “This isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.”  Desiree, doing her best McKayla Maroney, is not impressed, and the tension is building.

Kacie B throws everything she knows about the show out the window and decides that her best course of action is to tattle on the other ladies.  During their alone time, she starts out by telling Sean, “I don’t feel it’s my place, but…” and proceeds to talk shit about the other ladies.  Kacie B whines that, “I can’t be myself with this dynamic.”  Sean, to his credit, calls her out on why she’s inserting herself into the situation, a development Kacie B clearly wasn’t banking on.  It totally backfired.  The group date rose went to Lindsay and Kacie B was shocked, sobbing, “I look like the crazy person who can’t handle the drama.”

C’mon, Kacie B.  You know you can’t talk shit about another woman to the guy.  Remember how well that turned out for your friend Emily the Epidemiologist on Ben’s season?  It’s like you were [insert sports analogy where the person knows what they’re NOT supposed to do but goes ahead and does it anyway].  Two words.  Rookie Mistake.

Professional Organizer AshLee got the final one-on-one date.  She was confident that it would be low-key, and even told producers, “Honestly, nothing will go wrong today.”  Cue the sound of Tierra falling down the stairs.  (Seriously, it’s edited that way.)  Either Sean arrives immediately or they all stand around looking at a dazed Tierra until Sean shows up on the scene and tells someone to call an ambulance.

When the medics arrive, however, Tierra gets upset and insists she doesn’t want to go to the hospital.  The only medicine she needs is some alone time outside with Sean.  Meanwhile, AshLee is fuming inside the house, waiting for her date.

Sean says he’s looking for someone with a “caring and compassionate heart.”  In Bachelor-speak, that means “time for a date to Six Flags with chronically ill children!”

AshLee wore a short lace doily, the perfect outfit to wear to ride roller coasters.  To show that Sean has a “caring and compassionate heart,” he invites two girls from the Starlight Children’s Foundation to crash their date. Apparently, these girls’ two favorite things are “The Bachelor” and amusement parks.  It was sweet to see the girls having a good time on the rides, but I was over it when AshLee continued with platitudes such as “it thrills my heart,” “it’s really precious,” and “it’s a great blessing to be a part of these girls’ lives…I’m really lucky.”  I’m pretty sure you’re never going to see them again, but OK, AshLee, whatever.  Ok, Bachelor producers, you win.  Sick kids = home run.  But then it got creepy when they showed a montage of the pre-teen girls at the theme park cued to the soundtrack music usually reserved for the engagement scene in the final episode.

After the date, AshLee and Sean patted themselves on the back for being so charitable.  They start talking about their families, and AshLee tells Sean, “I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide.”  (That’s usually how it happens, AshLee.)  AshLee tells Sean she wants to adopt older kids, and shared her story about being adopted at age 6 after she was abused by her foster family.  Sean gets teary and gives her the rose.  Apparently, having one arm and being adopted guarantees a rose.

The next evening at the cocktail party, Sean gives one-armed Sarah a surprise (a visit from her dog, Leo, who lives across town).   Sarah was flabbergasted, saying, “I’ve never felt so special, so cared for in my entire life.”  And Leo got a squeaker ball.  Win-win.

Tierra pounces on Sean for more one-on-one time, sporting a dent in her forehead that I’m 99 percent sure wasn’t there before her tumble.  This pisses all the other ladies off.  She bites it down the stairs and scores a sympathy visit AND gets more one-on-one time with Sean?  UNFAIR!

Kacie B arrives at the rose ceremony sporting a wetsuit and clearly looks like she hasn’t been sleeping.  She apologized to Sean for “her delivery” the other night. She knows she’s screwed.  Chris Harrison starts the rose ceremony and Sean dramatically stops it, asking to speak with Kacie B outside.  He carried the rose with him, but told her that they were better off as friends and sent her packing.  Not in a limo, mind you, but in a black minivan.  Kacie B leaves with regrets and a heavy heart.  The ceremony resumes, and Sean’s handing out roses.  The camera pans to the dwindling pile o’ roses.  Tierra accepts this rose, followed by Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robyn…after Robyn, there were four roses remaining.  Sean gives one to Selma and one to one-armed Sarah, and … has five left when he gave the next one to Jackie.  WTF?  Silly Bachelor editors!  In addition to Kacie B, model Kristy was dismissed, leaving her free to shoot her romance covers with Fabio and model with the cows in Wisconsin.  And Taryn went home, too.

What’s next?  Selma and Leslie H get one-on-one dates, Robyn offers Sean a “taste of chocolate,” the girls play roller derby and someone else gets hurt. Oh, and Tierra loses her shit.  ‘Til next week!