Everyone wonders why the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has had ten bajillion seasons and only two marriages. I think the answer is pretty simple. You need to have a season at the Olive Garden. I’m serious. Take away the once-in-a-lifetime adventures, luxurious fantasy suites, hair and makeup teams, and outrageous clothing budgets and have the season take place in a mall. They can bond over neverending soup or salad and breadsticks. If it’s time for a guy to go, he’ll go to the soup bar and find the ladle is dry (literally and figuratively)– no soup for you!
Category Archive: In the News
It was a freakin’ love-fest on this week’s episode of “The Bachelorette.” Emily loved all the families. The families loved Emily. Three of the four guys told Emily they loved her (Sean held out, but he sure does love kissing her!) She loved Chicago. She loved Jef’s ranch (yes, his family has a ranch). And on. And on. And on. For another two hours. Oy.
Honestly, between last week’s snoozefest and this week, I propose bringing back the Bachelorette Drinking Game. Next week, pour your beverage of choice, sit back, and take a drink as follows:
The Bachelorette: Emily Finally Drops the F-Bomb, Ricki is a Chloe Bag and Shakespeare Rolls Over in His Grave
It’s finally here! ABC has teased the hell out of it, essentially showing the entire thing in promos, but it’s here! We’ve arrived at the week when Bachelorette Emily finally drops the F-Bomb and kicks a guy off the show.
First things first: If you’re a guy and you think the other guys are on the show to be your friend, you’re an idiot. They may be on the show for many reasons (finding love, their 15 minutes of fame, etc.), but making friends ain’t one of ‘em. This whole Fratty McFrat situation has got to end.
This week on the Bachelorette, Em and her baker’s dozen headed to Bermuda for some fun in the sun! If I didn’t know better and I happened to channel surf my way to ABC, I’d think I was watching a reality show about frat brothers on a super-lame spring break. The guys rode scooters around their hotel and Sean and Ryan wore matching ELITE bracelets. So precious!
I like to watch the Miss USA pageant while eating cookie dough, mainly because I know the contestants haven’t had any in, like, ever. This year’s competition, held in Las Vegas, was hosted by Bravo’s Andy Cohen and E! News’ Guiliana Rancic. The pageant is owned by Donald Trump, so you know it’ll be classy.
The judging panel was comprised of a veritable who’s who of D-list celebrities, including former Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky, Celebrity Apprentice winner Arsenio Hall, a Jonas brother and “business entrepreneur” Rob Kardashian (because “relative of the woman who’s famous for having a big butt and a sex tape” was apparently too long of an intro). What, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney weren’t available?
The Bachelorette: The Guys Get Grilled, Alessandro the Delusional Gypsy King, and a Farewell to “Shelly”
It’s week three of the Bachelorette, and I need to get a few things off my chest before we get started. Did anyone else think Travis and Charlie were the same person? Seriously, we know nothing about their personalities, and it’s week three. Also, why does Emily keep Michael around? Maybe they like to braid each other’s hair? I don’t get it. And what is a Luxury Brand Consultant? Someone who likes nice things? Me too. Done and done.
If you missed the first 6 minutes of Monday’s show, don’t worry, because nothing happened. The “stars” walked down the stairs. (spoiler alert: nobody fell!) Way to milk it, ABC.
This week was the “most memorable year” episode, where each “star” had to select their most memorable year and present it in song and dance. It was a night of tears and triumph, a “dance from the heart,” if you will. (Tom Bergeron’s words, not mine).
And there was not one surprise element in the two-hour finale, or the “After the Final Rose” special.
I’m not sure if I’m so nauseated because I have a bad cold with mucus pooling in my stomach or if it’s the train wreck that was this season. Probably the latter.
Joining Ben’s hair stylist, who clearly quit midseason, the wardrobe department cut its losses and let Ben dress himself for his dates, which included an interesting suspenders/vest combo. (Courtney was quite the actress, pretending that Ben’s vest didn’t bother her.) Later on, he strutted around in a popped collar. Not even kidding.
I should’ve known from the opening shot of a butterfly spreading its wings in Belize that this episode of “The Bachelor” would be heavy on the cheesy metaphors. There were at least seven that I counted. Between Lyndzi’s “jumping out of a helicopter into the ocean is like love – you take a leap of faith” to Courtney’s “each step (up the Mayan Ruins) was like a step in our relationship” — it was a little much.
The episode started with Ben wearing two rather strange v-neck sleeveless tees on separate occasions. Someone must really love L.L. Bean! I think I saw one of them in my Mom’s closet — in the 80s.
Tonight’s episode began with 9 women in Panama and ended with 6. We got to hear what Jamie and Casey S’s voices sound like, as they’ve NEVER spoken a word so far this season. Also, we got an (awkward) walk down memory lane as two women embarrassed themselves by acting like seventh graders and making a magazine collage project about Ben (Blakeley) and straddling Ben while instructing him on how to make out i.e., whose mouth is open/closed first (Jamie).
Let’s get to the numbers:
1 – number of helicopter rides