Category Archive: Observations

Mar
11

The Bachelor Finale: Juan Pablo Goes Down As the Smarmiest, Douchiest Bachelor in Bachelor History

What a Tierra-ble season, eh, Bachelor Nation?  Chris Harrison starts the three-hour, live death march by proclaiming it to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history,” and also warns us that Juan Pablo has a “big surprise.” I won’t make you wait because there was no surprise. Juan Pablo is a giant a-hole. But we knew that already.

Here are a few observations before we get to the recap:

Photo courtesy of ABC

Juanuary must have sucked for poor Clare. Listening to ABC hyping him up. Ugh.

Mar
04

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (But Not Really)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

First off, according to US Weekly, Renee’s engaged. To another dude. Zero mention of that. Also, the “swimming in the ocean” was pretty glossed over. Can’t we just get this season over with already?

Sean, Catherine, and her new bangs bring purity and wholesomeness to the stage as the newlyweds talked about their fairytale wedding.  They went to Bora Bora and watched their wedding and entire courtship, because that’s not a narcissistic thing to do at all.  Sean said a Lowe (see what I did there?) point of the trip was when a stingray “latched on to my man parts.”  He says he was a little bruised but no worse for the wear.  Chris Harrison asked how “the wedding night” was – Catherine said it was very romantic, but the fireworks were “quick.”  Um, ok.  Have they fulfilled their contractual obligations to ABC yet?

Feb
26

The Bachelor is Finally Imploding

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

The show went from 27 eager bachelorettes down to two. In the last two weeks, two women left the show because they just weren’t feeling it. It started in Week 7, when Sharleen finally realized going to a kid’s “dance” recital where they scream/sing about going to Broadway wasn’t her jam, and removed herself from competition.  She said she was missing the “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo, which is an understatement. The dude is SIMPLE.  And full of himself.  And annoying.  And irritating.  And a bigot.  But aside from that, he’s a joy, I’m sure.

Feb
10

The Bachelor, Week 6: It’s a S–t Show. Literally.

Photo courtesy of ABC

“At the end of the day…” OMG, if I have to hear another trite phrase or eruption metaphor, my head might explode. Enough already!

Ay yi yi…how many weeks are left?  The group is in New Zealand, where there’s a ton of sheep.  Every cutaway contains sheep or cows. Cassandra, who left her Caboodles kit in Vietnam, is sporting a  natural look, which is much better.  She’s missing her son, and she and Renee spend time missing their little boys.

Feb
04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly the Dog.  Photo courtesy of ABC

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

Jan
13

The Bachelor, Ep. 2: Ay caramba! Can you say trainwreck?!?!?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time.  I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf.  She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.

Dec
08

Someone at Dramamine Kids is Asleep at the Wheel

Dramamine for Kids product description

Last week, a colleague of mine was complaining that she couldn’t take her 2 1/2-year-old son on car trips to visit family because he’d get extremely carsick.  I could empathize, having been a motion-challenged child myself.  ”Have you tried Dramamine?” I asked.  ”No,” she replied.  ”I don’t want to give my son any medication.”  ”Oh.  So she’s one of THOSE moms,” I thought.  Good luck with that.  ”I’m pretty sure they make a version for kids,” I said.  Wanting to prove I’m right, I pulled up the site on my computer and, sure enough, there’s a version for kids named, interestingly enough, “Dramamine for Kids.”

Oct
21

Unintentionally Humorous Cards: The Neglected Love Edition

Love Sorry Did it again

Love means never having to say “I’m sorry…for neglecting you.”  Did you catch the first sentence? “I did it again.” Like, this happens frequently, or at least enough to necessitate a trip to Hallmark for a love/apology hybrid card.  Oh, yes. There’s a card for that.  Run for the hills, I say!  (File this little gem under: between you & me…& my therapist.)

Oct
15

Potential OPI Nail Polish Colors Should the Government Shutdown Continue

Photo courtesy of Flickr user _Fidelio_ under a Creative Commons license.

We’re into Week 3 of Government Shutdown 2013, and things are getting rough, y’all.  Like, so rough, I’m submitting a list of potential OPI nail colors should this thing continue.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user _Fidelio_ under a Creative Commons license.

Here they are, in no particular order:

All Dressed Up and No Place to Furlough

This is Red-iculous!

Fiscal Cliff Fuchsia

My PAC or Yours?

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue State

Blame Game Blues

Tea Party Teal

Green Eggs and Farm Subsidies

Blink First Blanca

Aug
05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

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