Category Archive: The Bachelorette

Jul 01

The Bachelorette: Did You Know Caves in Spain Come Furnished with Leather Couches? Me Neither.

Des Bachelors from Hell
If watching 20+ seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me anything, it’s that if you act halfway normal, you have a decent shot at making it to the finals.   Don’t be a crybaby, resist the urge to be a tattle-tale, steer clear of the douchey-ness and mind your own beeswax and you should be OK.  That being said, in Barcelona this week, the caca hit the fan-o.

The episode started with Des, sketchpad in hand, declaring that Barcelona is “so inspiring” and “the perfect place to fall in love.”  (Kinda like Munich. And Thailand. And the Seychelles.  And Paris. And Canada. And New Jersey, the list goes on and on.)  Meanwhile, the hoodie brigade (seriously, between hoodies and v-neck short sleeve tees, that’s all they packed) enjoyed Cervezas at a tapas bar when Chris Harrison arrived with the date cards.  There will be a group date and two 1-on-1 dates.  At some point, the guys pinky swear that whomever gets the first 1-on-1 has to tell Des that James is campaigning HARD to be the next Bachelor.  Drew’s the lucky winner, and he starts the date with zero intentions of telling her.

Jun 25

The Bachelorette: Des Takes the “Ultimate Risk” with a Bunch of Europe Virgins

Photo courtesy of ABC

This season’s been a little, um, bland.  Perhaps because Des is the “everywoman” who doesn’t really have a personality and the majority of the guys are either tattletales or giant tools.   Tonight, we learn that this is THE FIRST TIME Des (and several of the guys) has ever been to Europe, and we’re reminded of that fact no less than a half dozen times.  The guys arrive in Munich wearing their fanciest hoodies because that’s what you wear when you’re looking for love in a foreign land. Michael’s hoodie has the thickest drawstrings I’ve ever seen in my life.

Jun 13

The Bachelorette: Love Is a Battlefield, and Someone Wasn’t There for the Right Reasons (Gasp!)

Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

Photo courtesy of ABC - Brooks and his finger, in happier times

This week’s theme of “The Bachelorette” was “Winner Takes All,” and the guys showed the ridiculous lengths they’d go to to win an extra 3 minutes with Princess Des (or as the very funny Selena Coppock calls her, the “poor man’s Katie Holmes”), since, clearly, she’s the last woman on earth.

We didn’t waste any time getting to the first group date, mysteriously titled “Love is a Battlefield” on the date card.  (Hear that, Pat Benatar?)  The guys are greeted in a warehouse by the Commissioner of the National Dodgeball League (yes, it’s a real thing), where the pros WHIP the balls at all the guys.  It’s actually pretty funny to watch.  Desiree can barely contain her excitement, as she looks forward to the thrill of the competition and the guys fighting for her honor. Really? I don’t think the dodgeball guys gave two hoots about them, or Des, as there wasn’t even a glimmer of recognition of the show amongst them. (We’re here to PLAY, man!)

Jun 03

Desiree Asks the Guys If They’re There For the Right Reasons, While Soulja Boy Kisses His Career Goodbye

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree.  (His words, not mine.)  Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.)  It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.

May 27

The Bachelorette’s Back! (And Brought to You By Cinderella)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Desiree rolls up to her Malibu beach house and Chris Harrison is there to welcome her and gifts her with, not one, but TWO sketch pads.  (So, what, she’s an artist now?)  Cute baby pictures set the stage for this season – love and family are all Desiree desires.  Hers is a Cinderella story, you see. And she makes reference to Cinderella, and fairy tales, eight times in the first 15 minutes.  There’s also some discussion of a happy ending. #doubleentendresarefun  (We’ll get to the unnecessary hashtags in a moment.)

Sep 10

Bachelor Pad Finale: Rachel Gets Screwed and Blakeley’s a Step-Mommy?

Photo courtesy of ABC

When Chris Harrison said this was the “most disturbing season finale of ‘Bachelor Pad’ ever,” he wasn’t kidding.  Which part of the show was he referring to when he said “most disturbing?”

Was it:
(a) the cheesy proposal,

(b) Jamie’s “Cleopatra” getup, complete with sparkly headgear, or

(c) Rachel getting screwed over?

I’m going with all of the above.

Aug 13

Bachelor Pad 3, Week 4: Things Are Getting Weird (and Awkward)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

After the rose ceremony, the house was reeling over the ouster of Donna Reid (get it? Super-Fan Donna and Still-Obsessed-with-Jillian Reid? Bah-dum-dum!)

But the drama wasn’t over yet!  Chris Harrison presented the group with questionnaires to complete for the next challenge, “Gameshow Mashup.”  The challenge was neither a game show, nor a mash-up.  The first round asked generic questions about love and romance, while round two asked players to identify “who said that” in the house.  The guy and girl with the highest score won immunity, while the losers would get a vote against them.  Michael, who has emerged as the sole voice of reason on this show, predicted that the competition would go south pretty fast, and lots of feelings would be hurt.

Jul 23

Bachelor Pad: Yes, I’ve Watched Bachelor Programming for Five Hours in the Past Day. Don’t Judge Me.

Photo courtesy of ABC

 

Photo courtesy of ABC

I was supposed to clean my bathroom tonight, but the train wreck that is the Bachelor Pad kept me on my couch.  Yes, ‘twas the siren’s song that lured me away from my toilet brush and into the ridiculousness of yet another show produced by Heidi Fleiss’ brother.

For the uninitiated, the Bachelor Pad brings rejects from all seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette shows to live under one roof for the summer, team up and compete in challenges, attempt to fall in love and/or win $250,000.  They get ahead by essentially lying and stabbing each other in the back.  The couple that wins the competition gets a rose and is safe from elimination.  They also get to go on a date.  Each week, the guys vote off the girls and vice versa.

Jul 22

The Bachelorette Finale: It’s an Insta-Family! Just Add Water!

Photo courtesy of ABC

We’ve reached, according to Chris Harrison, “the most dramatic television event of the summer… One of the most dramatic finales in Bachelorette history.”  Well, that shouldn’t be too hard, since there have only been eight seasons total.  We were promised some “shocking secrets” (ahem, one, and, it’s not so shocking).

But this season isn’t like all the rest, according to Chris Harrison.  We’re treated to a three-hour live event, because every engagement should be televised and commented about by strangers in a theater-in-the-round setting.  One question – where’s the bullfighter?

Jul 16

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All (Except What They’re Contractually Obligated Not to Discuss)

Photo courtesy of ABC

We’re at that point in season 8 of Bachelorette where Chris Harrison finally asks the guys “what the hell was wrong with you when you called Ricki baggage” and “are you that douche-y in real life?”  (The answers are: I’m just bein’ me and yes, respectively.)

Here are a few of my initial observations:

Holy spray tan, Batman!  It looked like quite a few of the rejects took a detour to the “Dancing with the Stars” set and made liberal use of the unlimited spray tan facilities.

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