Category Archive: The Bachelorette

Jul 27

The Bachelorette “Men Tell All”: Complete with bitchy resting face and a creepy live ultrasound!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s Men Tell All time, which means the finale is just around the corner! This time, though, we’re treated to a creepy, live ultrasound to determine the sex of Ashley and JP’s baby, which is totally old news, since US Weekly scooped this back in April.

We learn that three men lied during their lie detector tests (I’m looking at you Josh, Marcus and Dylan), yet have to wait another hour and half to find out about it.

Jul 21

Bachelor recap: Andi’s Love Quest Is Down to Two

The Bachelorette, where even the fungi is photoshopped.

 

Heart shaped fungi? Really?!?!?

You may have noticed I’ve not been doing recaps for a few weeks. That’s because I lost both my grandmothers in rather short succession. But, to quote a certain 1980s sitcom featuring a lovable character named Corky, “Oh-blah-dee, oh-blah-dah, life goes on.” If Andi can go on looking for love after the death of a guy she sent packing, then I can sure as hell sit on my couch, drink wine, and write about it.

Jun 09

Bachelorette Episodes 4 & 5: Lots o’ Death and Some Really Bad Puns, Y’all.

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Episode 4: Death is All Around

“A lot of the guys are starting to grow on me,” Andi says at the start of the episode. What an auspicious beginning! They’re staying at a casino, so you know it’s gonna be fancy! (Promotional consideration by the Mohegan Sun Casino.)

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date and he’s been looking forward to it, because he wants to share his family story (lost his siblings to drug overdoses) with Andi, to the strains of a sentimental theme song.

Jun 02

Bachelorette Episodes 2 & 3: Strippers + Boyz II Men Make Andi All Tingly

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I’m a little behind, Bachelor Nation, so I’m doing a 2-for-1: last week’s episode plus Sunday’s episode, with tonight’s to come. Apologies! Let’s get into it —

Episode 2, a/k/a “the show where one of the guys gets sent home early because he can’t handle his liquor.”

My friend Jessica said she lost count of Andi’s y’alls in the first episode, so I made it my personal mission to count them this time around. Episode 2 had 14. Episode 3 had 9, four of which occurred at the rose ceremony. (You’re welcome.)

May 20

Buckle up, Bachelor Fans! (Or, Bachelorette Andi’s giving up her legal career for this?)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Hey, y’all! It’s Bachelorette time, y’all! Is this getting old, y’all? Y’all? Yes, we get it Andi. You’re from the South. You’re a southern belle. Enough already with the y’all, though, OK?

The season started with Chris Harrison addressing another first in Bachelor history – noting that a contestant died during filming (after he was off the show). So, the show’s decided to dedicate the season to him. Let me get this straight. She doesn’t pick the guy, he’s sent packing, he dies, and then the show dedicates someone else’s love story/journey/fairytale to him? Ok, just checking.

Aug 05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

Jul 30

The Bachelorette Finale Part 1: Really? Is Part 2 Necessary?

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC

“This journey has been amazing!”  Desiree gushes at the beginning of the episode.  So naturally it’s going to be a giant cluster-you-know-what.  In case you weren’t clued in to this fact, Chris Harrison called the episode we were able to witness “shocking,” “incredible,” and “dramatic.”  And you know Chris Harrison doesn’t use those words lightly.

Jul 24

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Some Stuff, Avoid Others

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s).  (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)

Jul 15

The Bachelorette: It’s the Hometowns, People!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s the best week of the Bachelorette – hometowns!  You know, when the contestants’ embarrassing family members let their freak flags fly in front of all of America! Who can forget when Chantal took Brad (the second time he was the Bachelor) to the mortuary and made him play house on the embalming table?  Or when someone’s grandma wanted to know whether the Bachelor’s any good in the sack?  ABC wasted no time getting into it.

Jul 08

The Bachelorette: Lots of Picnics, Cloud Nine, and Riding the Love Roller Coaster

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC.

Brooks in his Mr. Rogers cardigan. Photo courtesy of ABC.

The group wakes up on Madeira Island, Portugal, which according to them is, the “hidden pearl in the Atlantic.”  I desperately hope someone from the tourism bureau’s paying attention to the “Bachelorette,” because apparently the palm trees, island breezes, crystal blue waters and breathtaking rock formations don’t sell themselves.  Promotional consideration must be exchanged, I say!

This week, there will be three 1-on-1 dates, and one 2-on-1 date.  A rose will only be given out during the 2-on-1, and nobody goes home before the rose ceremony (unless they feel like it.)

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