Category Archive: ABC

Jan 21

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s week three, so you know what that means.  It’s getting serious you guys!!!!  Before we get into it though, I need to address the crap-fiesta that hit the fan this weekend.  You know, when Juan Pablo made some rather disappointing remarks about why he thinks the “Bachelor” franchise should not have any gay or bisexual bachelors/bachelorettes.  You can read about it here if you missed it.

I think it’s a little disingenuous for Juan Pablo to say that his statements were taken out of context or misconstrued because English is his second language, especially since the word “pervert” translates to “pervertir” in his native tongue. 

Jan 13

The Bachelor, Ep. 2: Ay caramba! Can you say trainwreck?!?!?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time.  I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf.  She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.

Jan 06

The Bachelor, Episode 1: How do you say, what’s the word…RIDICULOUS?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17.  Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks.  It’s gonna be a helluva ride.  (or not, but more on that later.)  Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us.  There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables.  Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season.  Lots of crying.

Sep 16

Season 17 of “Dancing with the Stars” Premiered Tonight – Did You Watch?

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Unfortunately for ABC, DWTS is turning into Make-a-Wish for Seniors.

For weeks, the network’s been touting all these new changes to the show that were revealed on Monday night, so I hope you all were ready for them!  Here they are, in no particular order:

  • You get 12 votes per phone line, per e-mail address, and Facebook account. That’s 36 votes, y’all.  Oooooh.
  • The show will only air one night a week.  Ahhhh.
  • Couples keep their numbers the whole season.  Say it with me now.  Ohhhhhh.

Aug 05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

Jul 30

The Bachelorette Finale Part 1: Really? Is Part 2 Necessary?

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC

“This journey has been amazing!”  Desiree gushes at the beginning of the episode.  So naturally it’s going to be a giant cluster-you-know-what.  In case you weren’t clued in to this fact, Chris Harrison called the episode we were able to witness “shocking,” “incredible,” and “dramatic.”  And you know Chris Harrison doesn’t use those words lightly.

Jul 24

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Some Stuff, Avoid Others

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s that time of the season again – where the rejects gather to “get closure” from the object of their affection after the world’s shortest love affair(s).  (Didn’t we just do this two months ago with Sean?)

Jul 15

The Bachelorette: It’s the Hometowns, People!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s the best week of the Bachelorette – hometowns!  You know, when the contestants’ embarrassing family members let their freak flags fly in front of all of America! Who can forget when Chantal took Brad (the second time he was the Bachelor) to the mortuary and made him play house on the embalming table?  Or when someone’s grandma wanted to know whether the Bachelor’s any good in the sack?  ABC wasted no time getting into it.

Jul 08

The Bachelorette: Lots of Picnics, Cloud Nine, and Riding the Love Roller Coaster

Rip the Band-Aid, Brooks. JUST RIP THE BAND-AID!!!!!!!! Photo courtesy of ABC.

Brooks in his Mr. Rogers cardigan. Photo courtesy of ABC.

The group wakes up on Madeira Island, Portugal, which according to them is, the “hidden pearl in the Atlantic.”  I desperately hope someone from the tourism bureau’s paying attention to the “Bachelorette,” because apparently the palm trees, island breezes, crystal blue waters and breathtaking rock formations don’t sell themselves.  Promotional consideration must be exchanged, I say!

This week, there will be three 1-on-1 dates, and one 2-on-1 date.  A rose will only be given out during the 2-on-1, and nobody goes home before the rose ceremony (unless they feel like it.)

Jul 01

The Bachelorette: Did You Know Caves in Spain Come Furnished with Leather Couches? Me Neither.

Des Bachelors from Hell
If watching 20+ seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette has taught me anything, it’s that if you act halfway normal, you have a decent shot at making it to the finals.   Don’t be a crybaby, resist the urge to be a tattle-tale, steer clear of the douchey-ness and mind your own beeswax and you should be OK.  That being said, in Barcelona this week, the caca hit the fan-o.

The episode started with Des, sketchpad in hand, declaring that Barcelona is “so inspiring” and “the perfect place to fall in love.”  (Kinda like Munich. And Thailand. And the Seychelles.  And Paris. And Canada. And New Jersey, the list goes on and on.)  Meanwhile, the hoodie brigade (seriously, between hoodies and v-neck short sleeve tees, that’s all they packed) enjoyed Cervezas at a tapas bar when Chris Harrison arrived with the date cards.  There will be a group date and two 1-on-1 dates.  At some point, the guys pinky swear that whomever gets the first 1-on-1 has to tell Des that James is campaigning HARD to be the next Bachelor.  Drew’s the lucky winner, and he starts the date with zero intentions of telling her.

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