Category Archive: ABC

Mar
11

The Bachelor Finale: Juan Pablo Goes Down As the Smarmiest, Douchiest Bachelor in Bachelor History

What a Tierra-ble season, eh, Bachelor Nation?  Chris Harrison starts the three-hour, live death march by proclaiming it to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history,” and also warns us that Juan Pablo has a “big surprise.” I won’t make you wait because there was no surprise. Juan Pablo is a giant a-hole. But we knew that already.

Here are a few observations before we get to the recap:

Photo courtesy of ABC

Juanuary must have sucked for poor Clare. Listening to ABC hyping him up. Ugh.

Mar
04

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (But Not Really)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

First off, according to US Weekly, Renee’s engaged. To another dude. Zero mention of that. Also, the “swimming in the ocean” was pretty glossed over. Can’t we just get this season over with already?

Sean, Catherine, and her new bangs bring purity and wholesomeness to the stage as the newlyweds talked about their fairytale wedding.  They went to Bora Bora and watched their wedding and entire courtship, because that’s not a narcissistic thing to do at all.  Sean said a Lowe (see what I did there?) point of the trip was when a stingray “latched on to my man parts.”  He says he was a little bruised but no worse for the wear.  Chris Harrison asked how “the wedding night” was – Catherine said it was very romantic, but the fireworks were “quick.”  Um, ok.  Have they fulfilled their contractual obligations to ABC yet?

Feb
26

The Bachelor is Finally Imploding

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

The show went from 27 eager bachelorettes down to two. In the last two weeks, two women left the show because they just weren’t feeling it. It started in Week 7, when Sharleen finally realized going to a kid’s “dance” recital where they scream/sing about going to Broadway wasn’t her jam, and removed herself from competition.  She said she was missing the “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo, which is an understatement. The dude is SIMPLE.  And full of himself.  And annoying.  And irritating.  And a bigot.  But aside from that, he’s a joy, I’m sure.

Feb
10

The Bachelor, Week 6: It’s a S–t Show. Literally.

Photo courtesy of ABC

“At the end of the day…” OMG, if I have to hear another trite phrase or eruption metaphor, my head might explode. Enough already!

Ay yi yi…how many weeks are left?  The group is in New Zealand, where there’s a ton of sheep.  Every cutaway contains sheep or cows. Cassandra, who left her Caboodles kit in Vietnam, is sporting a  natural look, which is much better.  She’s missing her son, and she and Renee spend time missing their little boys.

Feb
04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly the Dog.  Photo courtesy of ABC

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

Jan
21

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s week three, so you know what that means.  It’s getting serious you guys!!!!  Before we get into it though, I need to address the crap-fiesta that hit the fan this weekend.  You know, when Juan Pablo made some rather disappointing remarks about why he thinks the “Bachelor” franchise should not have any gay or bisexual bachelors/bachelorettes.  You can read about it here if you missed it.

I think it’s a little disingenuous for Juan Pablo to say that his statements were taken out of context or misconstrued because English is his second language, especially since the word “pervert” translates to “pervertir” in his native tongue. 

Jan
13

The Bachelor, Ep. 2: Ay caramba! Can you say trainwreck?!?!?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

I must start this recap by saying Molly the dog is my favorite contestant of all time.  I want to make “Molly for Bachelorette” signs and campaign on her behalf.  She’s the least annoying bitch on that show.

Jan
06

The Bachelor, Episode 1: How do you say, what’s the word…RIDICULOUS?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Photo courtesy of ABC

Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17.  Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks.  It’s gonna be a helluva ride.  (or not, but more on that later.)  Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us.  There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables.  Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season.  Lots of crying.

Sep
16

Season 17 of “Dancing with the Stars” Premiered Tonight – Did You Watch?

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Unfortunately for ABC, DWTS is turning into Make-a-Wish for Seniors.

For weeks, the network’s been touting all these new changes to the show that were revealed on Monday night, so I hope you all were ready for them!  Here they are, in no particular order:

  • You get 12 votes per phone line, per e-mail address, and Facebook account. That’s 36 votes, y’all.  Oooooh.
  • The show will only air one night a week.  Ahhhh.
  • Couples keep their numbers the whole season.  Say it with me now.  Ohhhhhh.

Aug
05

The Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal – I Give It Four Months

Photo courtesy of ABC

To start the night off, Chris Harrison recapped the first half of the finale succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.”  Nice setup, ABC.  Real nice.

We pick up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack.  *cue the violins*  Des changes out of her heinous outfit into a maxi dress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Chris Harrison.  Chris Harrison asks how she is and she says OK, but he calls bullshit and she dissolves into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wants to go home.

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