We didn’t waste any time getting to the first group date, mysteriously titled “Love is a Battlefield” on the date card. (Hear that, Pat Benatar?) The guys are greeted in a warehouse by the Commissioner of the National Dodgeball League (yes, it’s a real thing), where the pros WHIP the balls at all the guys. It’s actually pretty funny to watch. Desiree can barely contain her excitement, as she looks forward to the thrill of the competition and the guys fighting for her honor. Really? I don’t think the dodgeball guys gave two hoots about them, or Des, as there wasn’t even a glimmer of recognition of the show amongst them. (We’re here to PLAY, man!)
Category Archive: ABC
Desiree Asks the Guys If They’re There For the Right Reasons, While Soulja Boy Kisses His Career Goodbye
I just watched the Soulja Boy video on ABC.com and, man – either ABC paid Soulja Boy a shit ton of moolah, or someone at that network has some major dirt on Soulja Boy. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The first date card of the season arrives, and it goes to Brooks, who’s eager to figure out the “ball of mystery” that is Desiree. (His words, not mine.) Meantime, back at Desiree’s mansion, she’s sitting at the window sketching ….dresses. (Did she ever draw on Sean’s season of the Bachelor? Because there’s been a LOT of sketching so far.) It only took two minutes for her to launch into the “this is the a dream come true,” and “I feel like I’m a princess!” spiel.
Desiree rolls up to her Malibu beach house and Chris Harrison is there to welcome her and gifts her with, not one, but TWO sketch pads. (So, what, she’s an artist now?) Cute baby pictures set the stage for this season – love and family are all Desiree desires. Hers is a Cinderella story, you see. And she makes reference to Cinderella, and fairy tales, eight times in the first 15 minutes. There’s also some discussion of a happy ending. #doubleentendresarefun (We’ll get to the unnecessary hashtags in a moment.)
On the season finale of the Bachelor, Sean makes everyone cry: Catherine, Lindsay, himself… even his mother.
The three hour “Bachelor Finale Event” kicked off with a live studio audience and Chris Harrison, breathlessly reporting “late breaking” news about Sean’s quest for love. Really, ABC? How can it be breaking if it wrapped several months ago?
Sean arrives in Thailand with his lady loves and his family, who provide absolutely no assistance whatsoever in helping him choose his final lady. Honestly, I have no idea why they shipped the two kids to Thailand on what had to be a ridiculously long flight. The best line of the night, however, goes to Sean’s nephew (a/k/a the kid with the super fancy playhouse), who reminded Sean, “Emily didn’t pick you!” Hilarious.
Well, Bachelor fans, it’s that time. The week before the final episode, where all our burning questions are (not) answered. Here’s what I want to know: what is a “born again virgin?” and where’s this Mystery Man to whom Tierra’s engaged (and how can we warn him)? If he has eyes and a television that made the digital transition in 2009, then he should know what he’s getting into.
Here are a few of my observations from the show:
- There were no new shirtless shots of Sean. (Say that three times fast)
Not sure what’s in the water but everyone loves them some Sean! All of the women are saying they are either falling or are already in love with the Bachelor. At the beginning of the episode, Sean sees himself building a life with each of the women. He calls Catherine “weird, nerdy and goofy” but says that’s what he’s into. (The ultimate compliment!) “I need more silly in my life,” said the guy who went on reality TV to meet his future wife.
It’s hometown week, where the Bachelor spends a day getting to know the hometowns and families of his four ladyloves.
First up is AshLee in Houston, Texas, whose date was sponsored by L.L. Bean. Seriously, she and Sean sported plaid shirts straight out of the catalog, pages 14 and 39, respectively. They bonded over the fact that both of their dads were pastors. AshLee said, “I don’t want something so perfect to be spoiled.” Oh, AshLee. Don’t you know such proclamations are the Kiss of Death on this show? The pair meet up with her adoptive parents at a picnic table and are asked about their adventures. AshLee brought her adoption up (again) when discussing the Polar Bear Plunge. How, you ask? She left her insecurities in the water. Except for the times she trots them out periodically throughout the show. I will admit, it was sweet when her dad choked up talking about her adoption.
Sean broke the rules (again) and traveled with the ladies to St. Croix, Virgin Islands. The girls explored their accommodations just like they always do, “omg!” “Look at the view!” “It smells so new!” Wait, what? Never before in Bachelor history have the words “it smells so new” been uttered in a hotel room, ever.
The first one-on-one went to AshLee. Tierra couldn’t hide her jealousy, and called her a cougar, but AshLee let this one roll right off her back. She was on a date with her dream man/future husband!
Pack your bags, the group is going on a world-wide journey to find love and it starts in…Montana?!? Really? Yep. The date cards come and there are three dates: one group date, a 1-on-1 and a 2-on 1, all featuring Sean the self-proclaimed “outdoorsy guy.” Be sure to check yourself for ticks.
Tierra says she should get the 1-on-1 because “she deserves it.” What she “deserves” is a good ass-kicking. So irritating. Tough luck, Tierra, cuz substitute teacher Lindsay got it instead. Sean packed an extra flannel and Henley and they rode in a “badass” helicopter to tour Glacier National Park.
Week 4, and there are already declarations of “I want to spend the rest of my life with him” among the women. Yep, sounds about right. Chris Harrison doesn’t help matters when he announces that Sean is confident his wife is among the 13 ladies that remain in the house.
A shirtless Sean (in his skivvies, no less!) begins the show talking about how this week, he’s focused on making sure the women trust him. He says this with a straight face.
Selma gets the first date, and says she can’t wait to “take it to the next level.”