Jul
27

The Bachelorette “Men Tell All”: Complete with bitchy resting face and a creepy live ultrasound!

Photo courtesy of ABC

It’s Men Tell All time, which means the finale is just around the corner! This time, though, we’re treated to a creepy, live ultrasound to determine the sex of Ashley and JP’s baby, which is totally old news, since US Weekly scooped this back in April.

We learn that three men lied during their lie detector tests (I’m looking at you Josh, Marcus and Dylan), yet have to wait another hour and half to find out about it.

Jul
21

Bachelor recap: Andi’s Love Quest Is Down to Two

 

Heart shaped fungi? Really?!?!?

You may have noticed I’ve not been doing recaps for a few weeks. That’s because I lost both my grandmothers in rather short succession. But, to quote a certain 1980s sitcom featuring a lovable character named Corky, “Oh-blah-dee, oh-blah-dah, life goes on.” If Andi can go on looking for love after the death of a guy she sent packing, then I can sure as hell sit on my couch, drink wine, and write about it.

Jun
09

Bachelorette Episodes 4 & 5: Lots o’ Death and Some Really Bad Puns, Y’all.

Photo courtesy of ABC

Episode 4: Death is All Around

“A lot of the guys are starting to grow on me,” Andi says at the start of the episode. What an auspicious beginning! They’re staying at a casino, so you know it’s gonna be fancy! (Promotional consideration by the Mohegan Sun Casino.)

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date and he’s been looking forward to it, because he wants to share his family story (lost his siblings to drug overdoses) with Andi, to the strains of a sentimental theme song.

Jun
02

Bachelorette Episodes 2 & 3: Strippers + Boyz II Men Make Andi All Tingly

Photo courtesy of ABC

I’m a little behind, Bachelor Nation, so I’m doing a 2-for-1: last week’s episode plus Sunday’s episode, with tonight’s to come. Apologies! Let’s get into it –

Episode 2, a/k/a “the show where one of the guys gets sent home early because he can’t handle his liquor.”

My friend Jessica said she lost count of Andi’s y’alls in the first episode, so I made it my personal mission to count them this time around. Episode 2 had 14. Episode 3 had 9, four of which occurred at the rose ceremony. (You’re welcome.)

May
20

Buckle up, Bachelor Fans! (Or, Bachelorette Andi’s giving up her legal career for this?)

Photo courtesy of ABC

Hey, y’all! It’s Bachelorette time, y’all! Is this getting old, y’all? Y’all? Yes, we get it Andi. You’re from the South. You’re a southern belle. Enough already with the y’all, though, OK?

The season started with Chris Harrison addressing another first in Bachelor history – noting that a contestant died during filming (after he was off the show). So, the show’s decided to dedicate the season to him. Let me get this straight. She doesn’t pick the guy, he’s sent packing, he dies, and then the show dedicates someone else’s love story/journey/fairytale to him? Ok, just checking.

Mar
11

The Bachelor Finale: Juan Pablo Goes Down As the Smarmiest, Douchiest Bachelor in Bachelor History

What a Tierra-ble season, eh, Bachelor Nation?  Chris Harrison starts the three-hour, live death march by proclaiming it to be “the most controversial finale in Bachelor history,” and also warns us that Juan Pablo has a “big surprise.” I won’t make you wait because there was no surprise. Juan Pablo is a giant a-hole. But we knew that already.

Here are a few observations before we get to the recap:

Photo courtesy of ABC

Juanuary must have sucked for poor Clare. Listening to ABC hyping him up. Ugh.

Mar
04

The Bachelor: “The Women Tell All” (But Not Really)

Photo courtesy of ABC

First off, according to US Weekly, Renee’s engaged. To another dude. Zero mention of that. Also, the “swimming in the ocean” was pretty glossed over. Can’t we just get this season over with already?

Sean, Catherine, and her new bangs bring purity and wholesomeness to the stage as the newlyweds talked about their fairytale wedding.  They went to Bora Bora and watched their wedding and entire courtship, because that’s not a narcissistic thing to do at all.  Sean said a Lowe (see what I did there?) point of the trip was when a stingray “latched on to my man parts.”  He says he was a little bruised but no worse for the wear.  Chris Harrison asked how “the wedding night” was – Catherine said it was very romantic, but the fireworks were “quick.”  Um, ok.  Have they fulfilled their contractual obligations to ABC yet?

Feb
26

The Bachelor is Finally Imploding

Clare giving Juan Pablo highlights. Photo courtesy of ABC

The show went from 27 eager bachelorettes down to two. In the last two weeks, two women left the show because they just weren’t feeling it. It started in Week 7, when Sharleen finally realized going to a kid’s “dance” recital where they scream/sing about going to Broadway wasn’t her jam, and removed herself from competition.  She said she was missing the “cerebral connection” with Juan Pablo, which is an understatement. The dude is SIMPLE.  And full of himself.  And annoying.  And irritating.  And a bigot.  But aside from that, he’s a joy, I’m sure.

Feb
10

The Bachelor, Week 6: It’s a S–t Show. Literally.

Photo courtesy of ABC

“At the end of the day…” OMG, if I have to hear another trite phrase or eruption metaphor, my head might explode. Enough already!

Ay yi yi…how many weeks are left?  The group is in New Zealand, where there’s a ton of sheep.  Every cutaway contains sheep or cows. Cassandra, who left her Caboodles kit in Vietnam, is sporting a  natural look, which is much better.  She’s missing her son, and she and Renee spend time missing their little boys.

Feb
04

The Bachelor: The Bloom Is Off the Rose, Or, the Episode Wherein My Tolerance Level for This S–t Plummets

Molly. Photo courtesy of ABC

As if last week’s Sean & Catherine’s “grown sexy” million dollar wedding (more like groan sexy) and the “Honeymoon Cam” Sex Countdown wasn’t enough, this week Bachelor producers decided, in the words of Juan Pablo, to “take it to the next level” and essentially slut shame a contestant.  While it was never explicit that Juan Pablo and one of his remaining 11 girlfriends did the deed, a huge deal was made about it, and the parties’ reactions make zero sense if it was just a game of grab ass.  Because of this, I’m replacing JP’s picture with a photo of Molly, contestant Kelly’s awesome dog.

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